Death by Great White Shark while wearing wetsuit constructed from bacon.
Irradiated by Black Body Radiation (this one depends on whether or not I get abducted by aliens).
Slip in soapy tub while trying to do “And the Dynamite Goes Boom” with Renee.
Forced to watch more than 20 minutes of “American Idol” or “So You Think You Can Dance”.
Caught by Renee is some sort of freaky sex thing with a weasel, hot sauce and a local hooker.
Some sort of mishap involving eye drops, a roller skate, a fruit-deprived infant and some almost-ripe mangoes.
Jesus returns and smites me for telling the “If Jesus is so powerful, can he microwave a burrito so hot, that he himself could not eat it” joke one time too many.
In an effort to make the Ultimate Nutella sandwich, I use so much chocolate spread that my heart stops on the first bite.
I accidently create a black hole using 15 pounds of the glow in the dark material I scraped off of hundreds of 1970’s black-light posters.
Blown into the path of an oncoming bus by a man with an allergy and a huge nose.
Unfortunate event involving new contact lenses and nitro glycerine.
Wearing positively charged metal underwear when the poles shift and getting flung into outer space.
Microsoft clones a pack of Velociraptors for their amusement park WindowsLand and I get eaten while working a hot dog stand.
At a protest supporting thongs, I am crushed under a ton of used boxer shorts.
A meteor composed of iron and nickel, 17 miles wide, 8 miles tall and 12 miles long falls on Kate Beckinsale. I kill myself.
While on vacation, I offend a king by comparing his daughter to a water buffalo’s wrinkled nutsack and I get thrown into a volcano.
Crushed to death under a rack of Brontosaurus Ribs at the drive in.
At a state fair, I trip and drown in a hot tub full of cinnamon apple sauce.
The amateur porn industry collapses. I kill myself.
Captured and eaten by Sleestacks. This might be a long shot.
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