The year was 1969... the place, my basement. President Kennedy’s deadline for putting a man on the moon would pass in mere months.
NASA, having given up on the idea years earlier and having spent almost the whole budget on cheap Taiwanese hookers and Milwaukee’s Best were out of options.
It was time for a hero to step in, a man with a vision so daring that it bordered on demented. That man was me… that plan was mine…well mostly mine. I pieced it together from the back of a cereal box and a blurry 8mm copy of Winkles the Wonder Dog goes to Washington.
NASA gave me what was left of the budget. I would have to achieve this masterpiece of subterfuge with a budget of $163. I knew it could be done. After all Cecil B. Demille had done the Ten Commandments for 200 bucks tops, I mean did you see that parting of the red sea thing, looks like I filmed it in my bathtub with a Charlton Heston action figure.
Without access to a real soundstage, I will have to make do with my mother’s basement in which I have covered the walls with discarded bags of Ranch Flavored Doritos and some used egg cartons for sound proofing.
For a more accurate perspective, I turn to my diary…
Day 1: I have just finished painting my Neil Armstrong action figure. As funds are limited, I have made good use of a Beaker action figure (from The Muppet Show), I had to cut off part of his bulbous nose to fit the helmet on but the likeness is uncanny.
Day 2: Spent most of the day in the hospital as I have inhaled over 3 pounds of baking flour while attempting to create the dusty surface of the moon in my makeshift soundstage. The doctors say I will make a full recovery but will be farting muffins for the next few weeks.
Day 5: Today I will film the rocket’s launch from Cape Canaveral. This will be my very first attempt at pyrotechnics.
Day 8: The burn unit was very nice, the nurses first-rate, still cant hear out of my left ear.
Day 11: Success! I have just finished the epic scene where Neil Armstrong digs a hole for the nuclear bomb and buries it so he can save the Earth…wait… that didn’t happen on the moon at all…. DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY!
Day 59: All the scenes are done, the editing has been completed. With a little luck and some help from Jesus Christ himself, this film might pass the scrutiny from a blind man in the middle of an epileptic seizure.
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