I often find myself making fun of people who spend too much time on these here interwebs. Basically it’s my attempt to get people to stop using up all the bandwidth and so in theory increase the absolutely ungodly amount of porn that I need to download myself.
You know, you really cant download too much porn, its just not possible.
So I thought about it a lot, I have a lot of time to think as my current job requires 2% of my brainpower so I thought I’d use the other 6% or so to write this. Here is what I came up with. The Internet is broken down as follows:
67% Pornography – It’s what the web is founded on. If you could find a way to power a spaceship with porno, you could fly to Mars in 11 or 12 minutes tops. The web is literally festooned* with every imaginable deviant behavior you can think of and worse. Actually it's comforting in a way. In the past, you could go your whole life thinking you were the only guy who enjoyed putting on a sombrero and wool socks and having a woman dressed as Minnie Mouse pour cold, wet salamanders down your pants.
But not anymore, now with the beauty of the web, you know that not only are you NOT the only guy with this fetish, there’s actually a company that makes T-Shirts with witty salamander fetish phrases on them, another company that produces salamander fetish videos and even a freakin local chapter of the Pour Cold Wet Salamanders Down My Pants Club. And your neighbor Bob is the Chapter President!...And they want you to join...NOW! So pick up the phone and call today.
*Source: www.FilthyFreakyFestoonedChicks.com”
5% Actual Businesses – Of course in addition to all the regular companies like Coke, Apple, Samsung and Disney, there are also a huge number of websites devoted to selling you things that until recently sounded like they were made up by someone who endured way too many x-rays to the head, like The Snuggie or Sarah Palin.
1% Charities and Philanthropic Organizations – These are people who are begging for money, no different than the filthy homeless guy in the street with one shoe and a toothbrush tucked above his ear. People give them money to make themselves feel like they are making a change when in reality you have just contributed to some rich guys plan to fill his Olympic size swimming pool with vodka infused jello.
7% Social Networking – websites with names like FaceBook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger, FaceAss, TwitFace etc. etc. These are websites that are the electronic equivalent of 1 billion people screaming nothing into the void. Amazingly not one single person that participates in this can be honest with themselves in the slightest. Every one of them thinks there are people who really want to know that at 4:34 on a Tuesday afternoon they were having a Venti, No Whip, Too Much Foam, Low Caffeine, High Sugar, Caramel Swirl Fuckiato at Starbucks. Or that they just smelled cider in the fresh market or almost stepped in dog shit in the park. Or maybe they just smelled dog shit in the Fresh Market while spilling hot cider on their Starbucks shirt…who know…it’s all just noise.
1% Political Sites – These are thinly veiled criminals who want you to know that they stand for truth and justice, low taxes and free healthcare and all the other sites are run by crazed political vampires who only yearn to drink your sweet, sweet blood as they spend your tax dollars on their Olympic size swimming pool filled with vodka infused jello.
3% Conspiracy Theory Afficionados (aka Wackaloons) – This is a huge number of people who for varied and sundry 100% airtight reasons believe the following things: That we faked the Moon landing, that vampires are real and live among us, that the Titanic was beamed into space by aliens, that the Bermuda Triangle is actually a rectangle, that 9/11 was funded by the sales of LOLcats merchandise, that Miley Cyrus is a reasonable singer and actress, that aliens advanced enough to travel from distant galaxies have more interest in looking up our butts than speaking to someone, anyone with an IQ higher than that of a ferret.
5% Video Sites – YouTube, Vimeo etc. These are vast repositories of video files that run the entire breadth of the human experience. You see everything from people dressing up their dogs as superheroes all the way to people dressing up their cats as superheroes. It's all there.
2% Email – An estimated 290 billion emails are sent each day. About 174 of those are legitimate. The rest are trying to sell you Viagra, timeshares, poorly made furniture, stock in companies that sell Viagra, iPads for $24, women named Irina who want to be your girlfriend, men named Irina who want to be your boyfriend and newsletters you don’t remember signing up for like American Bicycle Pedal Collectors Monthly etc. etc.
2% Humor Sites –This covers everything from the professional well-thought out and written sites like Cracked, Hyperbole and a Half and The Oatmeal to the crappy, misspelled, half-witted ramblings of degenerates like me.
1% Women’s Sites – Sites that tell you all the reasons that men are simply untrustworthy cheating vermin and the 150 ways to get one for yourself. They are all basically the same, they tell you that as a woman, you have value, are beautiful, make enough money, are a good friend and then point out all the reasons why that’s never going to be enough to land a man.
1% Men’s Sites – Sites filled with chicks in bikinis that are pent up with unsatisfied freakish sexual urges that only YOU can satisfy. Also right after you have sex with them they turn into a sixpack and a burger…or so that joke goes. Somehow these sites seem more honest than the Women’s sites.
1% Miscellaneous - Photos of cute cats with large poorly written grammar on them.
1% Fan Sites – Sites explaining why you are too stupid to truly understand and appreciate such cinematic gems as The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Star Trek, Star Wars, Blade Runner and Dude Where’s My Car?
1% Technology Sites – Gizmodo, Engadget etc. Sites that tell you that whatever it is that you just stood online for 4 days for and spent $499 to buy has become obsolete in the time it took you to walk back to your office.
1% Torrent Sites – Sites where you can download every freakin file ever created since the dawn of man for free and all you have to do is accept whatever crazy virus and/or malware that’s attached to it. Piece of cake.
1% Religious Sites – Christian sites that blame Islam, Islamic sites that blame the Jews, Jewish sites that blame the Jews, Buddists that ignore all of this, Hindus that blame McDonalds etc.
So now you know how the world works. And this is how the world ends.
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