Ask Problem guy!

Dear Problem Guy,

I just got back from my vacation and I had the worst flight coming back. I booked my flight to St. Louis on an airline whose name I won't mention.

Needless to say the flight was oversold by 200% so there were three people fighting for every seat. The flight was delayed an hour due to, get this, too much sunshine. Then they started boarding us. One seat number at a time until they filled the first 5 rows, then they announced a free-for-all for the remaining seats.

A mad dash ensued with the old, crippled and children tossed aside like so much holiday fruitcake. I finally got to my seat, last row, next to the broken toilet only to find that the guy in front of me had somehow crammed an upright player piano into the overhead bin.

So I had to sit with my suitcase in my lap next to a sweaty, mouth-breathing, stink machine with a bad comb-over who insisted on farting every 6 minutes precisely until a miasma of hazy gas settled over us making me wish I had been seated on the wing of the plane

Three hours late and we finally took off, then the pilot comes on to announce that we will be delayed slightly due to an outbreak of dusk. So when the sun finally sets we get in a line of planes so long that the first plane is being piloted by Amelia Earheart.

Finally we are off. The flight attendant nearest my seat begins to show the emergency instructions which at this point I hope I will have occasion to use. Hopefully before I am overcome by the sweat storm being emitted by my seatmate.

Half-way through the flight, the attendants decide to feed the cattle so they bring out a cart containing no less than 2,000 previously-frozen, previously-heated up and possibly previously-eaten meals for us.

The choice was A. Chicken Cordon-Blech or B. Sandwich of Indeterminent Age. I chose C. Skip Food Poisoning. Rather than spend time giving out drinks. The attendants had the pilot go into a steep 3G climb at which point the drink cart was launched down the aisle. Anything you snatched off the cart, you could keep. I missed a ginger ale by a inch but did get a lovely wrist fracture instead.

The pilot announced we were about to begin our descent at which time, the animal next to me overpowered the oxygen sensors, causing the masks to drop down. For the first time on that flight I was able to breathe fresh air.

As we descended, the drink cart shot back up front and the pilot made an attempt to land on a runway several thousand feet shorter than it should have been. We crashed into the gate and had to deplane by falling down those big foam slides.

Mine was half inflated so I broke my leg. As the paramedics lifted me onto the stretcher, the flight attendant slapped me but my trip was finally over.

Now I think I'm in love with the guy who sat next to me. What should I do?

Advice: I have no idea, to be honest your letter was so long, I zoned out after the fourth paragraph.