As an experiment, I have decided to subject myself to a full 24 hours of television. I will watch in 1/2 hour increments as to decrease my chances of absorbing too much stupid.
5:00 am
The Too-Freakin Early Show – 2 fairly non-descript idiots from the bottom of the network food chain are forced to kill time knowing full well that their audience consists of heroin addicts, old insomniacs and nurses coming off-shift. Highlights this morning include a recipe for clam dip for health nuts substituting tofu for clams and a report on how to keep you sock drawer manageable.
5:30 am
Infomercial for The SchmuckCo Hair Tweedler 2000. We watch in awe as a group of unsuspecting idiots culled from the local mall in Fort Lauderdale will be subjected to this strange device which in the end will provide none of what it promises and eventually lead to a class-action suit brought by several hair-traumatized victims.
6:00 am
Infomercial – DO NOT CHANGE THAT CHANNEL! YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE CULMINATION OF ALL OF MAN’S TECHNOLOGY. HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO GET RID OF YOUR EYEBROWS BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW?, THEN THIS IS THE PRODUCT FOR YOU! The Browzer Ultra is here, today! Would you believe that for only 8 payments of $45 not including shipping and handling, you could be the owner of this revolutionary hair care device? Why just tak…CLICK!
6:30 am
TeleTubbies – What in the name of holy fuck is going on here? Several multi-colored imbeciles dance around making non-sensical noise and babbling incessantly… and yet it is strangely soothing. Unlike C-SPAN.
7:00 am
Denise Austin – Exercise show hosted by a woman with a porn star’s body and a voice like Valium. I don’t see how anyone gets through her workout. She just makes me want to whack-off and go back to bed as soon as possible.
7:30 am
Barney and Friends – I am not a violent person by nature but there is something about this purple bastard that makes me want to take a machete to his head and tail and then eat them in front of those annoying fuckin’ kids who sing his songs.
8:00 am
Montel – On Today’s show, Montel brings on a drill seargent who berates a group of teenagers who drink, do drugs and have sex and were too stupid to figure out that this show would be an ambush. What did they think, they were being invited to “Kids Who Get High, Bang Ass, Booze It Up and Their Proud Parents”?
8:30 am
Infomercial – Hello! I’m an actor pretending to have an Australian accent. Isn’t it annoying? Well too bad, our studies show that Americans are 45% more likely to buy a stupid product from someone who doesn’t sound like they’re from Pig’s Trotter’s, Texas. Don’t you feel the urge to buy this product even though you don’t even know what it is? Well, you’ll never know. It’s a secret and I’ll never tell. Just send me a check for 13 easy payments of $29.99 not including shipping and handling and I’ll… CLICK
9:00 am
The Wiggles – I have no idea what is going on here but if you’re looking for a show that is breeding the next generation of pedophiles, this show is just for you.
9:30 am
Judge Hatchett – 30 minutes of lawsuits that could never be held in a real court unless those courts were run by orangutans in suits. On today’s show Estelle WarmBush is being sued by Bunni Wilkins over her promise to “Do her dog’s hair up right for the barn dance” and then proceeding to shave the words “Ass Chicklet” on the dog’s side.
10:00 am
Regis and Kelly – Good God, what’s next? Today Regis has on a 23-year old skateboarder, whose parents must be so proud now that he has achieved his goal of being on this insipid excuse for programming. He will show off his skills by jumping over co-host Kelly Ripa who is only about 20 inches wide.
10:30 am
Christopher Lowell – Overtly effeminate interior designer Chris will show us how you too can get a cute overdone lisp in just three-weeks. Also he’ll show how you can take an old lamp, glue shit to it and come to the realization that after all your work, time and money that it’s still going into the trash.
11:00 am
Jerry Springer – On today’s show: Men Who Used To Be Female Welders Living In Sin With Their First Cousins Who Must Reveal Their Secret Love Affairs With Their Old Broken Washing Machines.
11:30 am
Wheel of Fortune – You know the drill, Vanna in bad clothes, spins letters when they light up and yet somehow in every show, there’s a point in which a pathetic housewife from Michigan can’t figure out this sentence: THE STAR SPAN_GLED BANNER.
12:00 pm
Ricki Lake – Today’s Topic on this wanna-be ethnic show: “Beyotch! Stay Away From My Man Even Though He Has Impregnated Over a Dozen Women and One Small Slow Dog and Continues to Live With His Moms, Who He Robs Repeatedly For Crack Money!”
12:30 pm
Golden Girls – The further adventures of three dried-up old hags forced to live together in a small retirement community surrounded by lecherous old men, perscription-medication sharing and dinners held at 4:30 in the afternoon. On today’s episode Bea Arthur rallies the old farts together to look for Estelle Getty’s dentures.
1:00 pm
Blind Date – A fascinating look into why men and women are unable to get together. Women learn that men think its OK to ask for anal sex before they even get to the appetizers and men learn that women are shy prudes.
1:30 pm
Classmates – Join us as we find pathetic slobs whose lives are so boring that they want to get in touch with people they were stupid enough to sleep with in the back seat of a Camaro in 11th grade. Learn how many people look and act and have the same jobs that they did while in High School.
2:00 pm
Divorce Court – On today’s show, Ernest Doint and Edna Doint seek a divorce on account of the fact that Ernest has been seeing Edna’s twin sister Edweena on the side… Literally!… Edna and Edweena are conjoined twins!
2:30 pm
Infomercial – ‘Ello Matey! I’m Jeremy ChorfenForfen, straight up from down under! I’m ere to sell you the bran’ spankin’ new Testicle Buffer 7800. That’s right 7800 rpm’s of buffing power aimed directly at your precious fragile nutsack. How much would you pay for this…well don’t answer yet because if you call within the next 45 days, we’ll throw in the ButtWipe O’Matic for free! And there’s more, wh…CLICK!
3:00 pm
Star Trek: The Next Generation – Bearded second in command Will Riker is forced to take over command of the Enterprise when Captain Picard becomes cranky and must be put down for a nap. In an alternate plotline, security is unable to get teenager Wesley Crusher off the holodeck where he has been locked into a Hugh Hefner simulation for the past three and half weeks.
3:30 pm
A Wedding Story – Come along with us as we watch a terrified and completely unprepared man be dragged into matrimonial bliss whether he likes it or not. Highlights include the groom-to-be’s castration in front of his male friends, attending a bonfire made from his porno stash and a visit to the salon for a manicure to ensure the last vestiges of his manhood are swept away.
4:00 pm
JAG – I couldn’t tell you the plot of this show if I tried since I was completely and utterly engrossed in the boobs of the lead actress, Catherine Bell, whom I am now convinced was placed on Earth by a mean bastard of a God.
4:30 pm
Star Trek : Deep Space Nine – Sisko demands that the Cardassians bring coffee and donuts when they visit DS9. Hilarity ensues when Commander Ducat laces Sisko’s Latte Frappacino with Strontium 90.
5:00 pm
Fox News – I love this show, usually you have to pay upwards of $75 for this kind of entertainment. Within moments, I am convinced that I am watching a parody of American Television and not the real news of the day.
5:30 pm
Judge Judy – Today’s case: Highly unattractive 22-year old grandaughter of questionable genetics sues 88-year old Grandmother for offering herself to the granddaughter’s incredible unattractive 23-year old fiancé of questionable dental history.
6:00 pm
National News – Here is where the real fun can be had. Monotonous droning newscasters plod on about all those things that no one cares about. To show that Dan Rather is still on the cutting edge of hip, they do a segment on Outkast’s latest hit “Hey Ya”, with Dan referring to the song incorrectly three times, calling it “Hey You”, “HeHa” and “HeeBoo”.
6:30 pm
Friends – The least realistic depiction of life in New York City...ever.
7:00 pm
Simpsons – The one where Homer continues to eat a month old sandwich which has gone grey and steamy despite the fact that it keeps sending him to the hospital over and over again.
7:30 pm
Seinfeld – The one where Kramer comes crashing into Jerry’s apartment like a victim of a spastic colon in desperate search of a bathroom. Wait… isn’t that every episode?
8:00 pm
Yes Dear – Greg shows the viewing audience that yet again there is room for another show in which men are characterized as bumbling idiots who can’t remember their anniversary and continually forget how many children they have but still want to have sex even though their wives are mad at them.
Editors Note: If you are unable to find this show, please substitute: Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Still Standing, Two and a Half Men, According to Jim…the list goes on and on.
8:30 pm
Fear Factor – Young twenty something pinheads agree to do just about anything in pursuit of $50,000 which of course will be gone in 2 months after their relatives and the government hear about it. Tonight the contestants will be spun at high speed in a centrifuge and then asked to complete a job application while dizzy, consume a bucket of a homeless man’s vomit and be thrown into the ocean with an anchor tied to their ankles.
9:00 pm
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé – Ugh!
9:30 pm
Half & Half – Yet another UPN (Unfunny Peoples Network) show in which a group of African American women complain about the men in their lives. For those of you with HBO, the cracker version is called Sex in the City.
10:00 pm
Tonight on CNN Strike Back with Crossfire as Bill O’Reilly shouts on the Larry King Show. A dozen idiots who all claim to have everyone’s best interests at heart and of course a plan to save society from itself proceed to shriek and yell for a full hour with commercials thrown in every 20-30 seconds to ensure that no one gets to finish a sentence and nothing gets resolved.
10:30 pm
Ripley’s Believe it Or Not – Tonight a man with 3 lips, a tribe in South America that slaps midgets to make music and a 58 year old man with the brain of a 6 year old…Hey! how did they get Bill O’Reilly on this show?
11:00 pm
Local News on NBC – All the news you missed a few scant hours ago and some new stuff designed to make you fear every innocuous thing in your home…DON’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL OR YOU WONT FIND OUT HOW YOUR FABRIC SOFTENER COULD BE POISONING YOUR CAT, MR. BINKLES!
11:35 pm
David Letterman – Tonight Dave chats with Julia Roberts, throws giant bowls of Tapioca off the roof and makes light of funny news articles.
Jay Leno – Tonight Jay chats with Julia Roberts, throws tomatoes at a security guard in his parking lot and makes light of funny news articles.
12:00 pm
Conan O’Brien – Tonight Conan chats with Julia Roberts, throws up and makes light of funny news articles.
12:30 am
The Man Show – 30 minutes of beer, broads and bozos. But let’s keep in mind that it is the only show on television today that has scantily-clad girls jumping on trampolines.
1:00 am
Antiques Roadshow – Franklin T. Woolibimmer III inspects the filthy useless detritus culled from the basements and garages of the nation in hopes of finding one true treasure. Today’s show boasts a man who claims to have a certified booger from the left nostril of Marie Antoinette.
1:30 am
Star Trek – Captain Kirk bones a purple chick and follows it up with a green chick threesome and caps off the evening with a striped chick and her checkered past (rimshot).
Also somewhere on the ship something happens and blah blah blah.
2:00 am
Three’s Company – Jack and Janet finally get fed up and smack the shit out of Crissy after she does that snort laugh one time too many.
2:30 am
Three’s Company – Jack and Janet are forced to dig a hole in the backyard to bury Crissy after the smacking gets a little out of hand.
3:00 am
Infomercial – Hello, I’m Ron Popeil, creator of The CornHoler, The Backyard ScrewBoy and The Home Lobotomy System but today I want to introduce you to my newest creation: Ass In A Can. Yes Ass In A Can. How many nights have you sat lonely and alone in your dank squalid bedroom above the bowling alley and thought, if only I had som…CLICK!
3:30 am
Access Hollywood – Tune in as two sycophants insert themselves into the lives of legitimately famous people in an effort to get some of it to rub off on them. Watch as they ask inappropriate questions in front of the celebrities children, see how they attach themselves remora-like to the celebrities legs even as they try to run away.
4:00 am
Lost in Space – Pedophile doctor is left in charge of ugly child and hilarity ensues.
4:30 am
ESPN Sports Center – 30 minutes in which we have crammed every single sports event of the day. You name it, we have it. Footage from everything from baseball to jai alai. From Argentinina Bocce to Japanese SquirrelWhacking. We’ve got it.
Experiment complete! Well, what have we learned today, boys and girls? Ummm...nothing, to be honest. We already knew TV is for shit but I have finally earned the right to go to bed. Good night.
Dave i am laughing my ass off!
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