Marriage Quiz...

With all due respect to the great Dave Barry...

12 questions. - A = 5 points, B = 3 points, C = 1 point.

37-60 points means you most likely engaged in filthy carnal acts in a parking lot within 15 minutes of meeting for the first time.

13-36 points means you can concoct dirty scenarios but rarely find the time, parakeet feathers or Playdoh with which to initiate those ideas.

1-12 points means you have been married for more than 15 years and honestly believe that seeing each other naked should happen only on rare occasions such as to celebrate shuttle launches.

1. Our level of physical affection is:

A. Whenever we are in the same room, furniture gets broken, various fluids are exchanged and the cat ends up superglued to the ceiling.

B. When we pass in the hall we slap each others asses and call each other by pet names like "PimpleButt".

C. We pass the time during commercial breaks checking each other's butts for actual pimples.

2. How would you describe your spouse?

A. As a total sex god / sex goddess.

B. Occasional sex freak depending on if we have saran wrap, ice and chopsticks on hand.

C. From their latest mugshot.

3. In the past your ideal romantic evening began with:

A. A visit from the police complaining about all the howler monkeys and water cannons filled with ladies underwear.

B. Candles, wine and furry handcuffs.

C. A shot of penicillin.

4. In the past your ideal romantic evening ended with:

A. Arrest and a summons from animal control for the howler monkeys.

B. Burn Cream, Alka Seltzer and a visit from the locksmith.

C. Another stronger dose of Penicillin.

5. When faced with a crisis in our marriage, we go for:

A. Drinks.

B. Counseling.

C. Our assault rifles.

6. We decide who gets to shower first each morning by:

A. Flipping a coin.

B. Taking turns.

C. Knife fight to the death.

7. Under the effects of truth serum, I would reveal:

A. My intense love for my spouse.

B. The college incident where I "experimented" with a chicken.

C. The address for my mistress / gigolo.

8. When dealing with an uncooperative child, we use

A. Patience and understanding.

B. The promise of a new toy and some candy.

C. Deadly force.

9. Women: What was the last book you read:

A. "Your Marriage, How to Make it Great".

B. "Rachael Ray's Cook Like a Miserable Celebrity Asshole".

C. "Edwina's Heaving Golden Bosoms" - Harlequin Romance No 5,879 by Eduardo "StudMuffin" Galoopi.

10. Men: What was the last book you read:

A. "Your Marriage: Why Women Cant Just Shut Up and Hump Like Bunnies".

B. "Penthouse Magazine's Totally, 100% True Uncensored Letters" No. 89.

C. The back of a box of Nutter Butters.

11. Women: What do you wear in the evening to entice your spouse to bed?

A. A see-thru negligee from Fredricks of Hollywood.

B. A semi- transparent t-shirt from Frank's of Downtown Delaware.

C. Twillight Sweatshirt stained with chocolate ice cream, hair in a half-assed ponytail.

12. Men: What do you wear in the evening to entice your spouse to bed?

A. A pair of silk boxers.

B. Nothin'...pants come off when I get home and thats how I go to bed. Take it or leave it.

C. Stained, unwashed pair of Batman pajama bottoms.

Now add up all your points and find a good marriage counselor ASAP.