Here we are on the deck of The Filthy Weasel, a re-purposed Alaskan seal-smacker boat. Our trip long and arduous, we had traveled some 2 and a half miles to get here to the Bay of Booyah.
Here we would begin our study of the rare and elusive Three-Assed Zebra Fish. To give you an idea of the drama and intrigue facing us in this most-remote part of Long Island Sound, I have turned to my diary…
Day One: Hopes are high as we search the fetid grey waters for our quarry. The air is electric or that may be the smell of ozone coming from a nearby sewage treatment plant. Finding the TAZF will be the culmination of my rich and varied career as it has never been filmed in its natural habitat. Dinner was a hoagie from Subway chased with a single micro-waved jalapeno popper.
Day Two: The crew is surly, the tension palpable, Pito Hoonk, the crew bait-master has been eating the chum. I’m fairly certain he is a foreigner as he speaks in clicks and whistles like a dolphin except when he sleeps whereupon he often sits up in his bunk and screeches “No!… she is the too much hairy”!
Day Three: Our quarry has yet to show herself, the crew talk of mutiny and I would be more worried if we weren’t such a close family.
Day Four: Pito tried to kill me today by scraping my eyebrows off with a fishbone comb. I repelled him with a fresh bar of soap. He ran screaming to the galley.
Day Twelve: Crazed Savages! By God, they were hideous, decked out in war paint and feathers, their howling chants crashed upon our ship, the pounding drum beats have made the ships mascot sterile. We waited until they were well away before resuming our game of Uno. Addendum: Apparently the owners of Princess Cruise Lines took exception to my referring to their guests as crazed savages, remember to correct this entry before publishing.
Day Eighteen: Finally some progress. After chuming the waters for 5 days… the Coast Guard ordered us to stop. Pito was chagrined.
Day TwentyTwo: We have almost run out of food. I sent Thomas and the cook to shore. They refused to return. I can see them on the beach, eating their McDonalds and giving me the finger. Oh Ho! Good one lads! Note: we are out of Ranch Flavored Cheetos.
Day Thirty Three: Pito and I remain resolute in our mission but alas we are unable to find the fabled TAZF. We have finished the bait, the stale Yodels and even made an attempt to eat the ship’s mascot Binkles, but he too jumped overboard and made his way to shore. It appears our mission is a failure. Pito’s last words to me as we make for shore, “You like the too much hairy too”?
I slap him.
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