The Internet, explained...

I often find myself making fun of people who spend too much time on these here interwebs. Basically it’s my attempt to get people to stop using up all the bandwidth and so in theory increase the absolutely ungodly amount of porn that I need to download myself.

You know, you really cant download too much porn, its just not possible.

So I thought about it a lot, I have a lot of time to think as my current job requires 2% of my brainpower so I thought I’d use the other 6% or so to write this. Here is what I came up with. The Internet is broken down as follows:

67% Pornography – It’s what the web is founded on. If you could find a way to power a spaceship with porno, you could fly to Mars in 11 or 12 minutes tops. The web is literally festooned* with every imaginable deviant behavior you can think of and worse. Actually it's comforting in a way. In the past, you could go your whole life thinking you were the only guy who enjoyed putting on a sombrero and wool socks and having a woman dressed as Minnie Mouse pour cold, wet salamanders down your pants.

But not anymore, now with the beauty of the web, you know that not only are you NOT the only guy with this fetish, there’s actually a company that makes T-Shirts with witty salamander fetish phrases on them, another company that produces salamander fetish videos and even a freakin local chapter of the Pour Cold Wet Salamanders Down My Pants Club. And your neighbor Bob is the Chapter President!...And they want you to join...NOW! So pick up the phone and call today.

*Source: www.FilthyFreakyFestoonedChicks.com”

5% Actual Businesses – Of course in addition to all the regular companies like Coke, Apple, Samsung and Disney, there are also a huge number of websites devoted to selling you things that until recently sounded like they were made up by someone who endured way too many x-rays to the head, like The Snuggie or Sarah Palin.

1% Charities and Philanthropic Organizations – These are people who are begging for money, no different than the filthy homeless guy in the street with one shoe and a toothbrush tucked above his ear. People give them money to make themselves feel like they are making a change when in reality you have just contributed to some rich guys plan to fill his Olympic size swimming pool with vodka infused jello.

7% Social Networking – websites with names like FaceBook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger, FaceAss, TwitFace etc. etc. These are websites that are the electronic equivalent of 1 billion people screaming nothing into the void. Amazingly not one single person that participates in this can be honest with themselves in the slightest. Every one of them thinks there are people who really want to know that at 4:34 on a Tuesday afternoon they were having a Venti, No Whip, Too Much Foam, Low Caffeine, High Sugar, Caramel Swirl Fuckiato at Starbucks. Or that they just smelled cider in the fresh market or almost stepped in dog shit in the park. Or maybe they just smelled dog shit in the Fresh Market while spilling hot cider on their Starbucks shirt…who know…it’s all just noise.

1% Political Sites – These are thinly veiled criminals who want you to know that they stand for truth and justice, low taxes and free healthcare and all the other sites are run by crazed political vampires who only yearn to drink your sweet, sweet blood as they spend your tax dollars on their Olympic size swimming pool filled with vodka infused jello.

3% Conspiracy Theory Afficionados (aka Wackaloons) – This is a huge number of people who for varied and sundry 100% airtight reasons believe the following things: That we faked the Moon landing, that vampires are real and live among us, that the Titanic was beamed into space by aliens, that the Bermuda Triangle is actually a rectangle, that 9/11 was funded by the sales of LOLcats merchandise, that Miley Cyrus is a reasonable singer and actress, that aliens advanced enough to travel from distant galaxies have more interest in looking up our butts than speaking to someone, anyone with an IQ higher than that of a ferret.

5% Video Sites – YouTube, Vimeo etc. These are vast repositories of video files that run the entire breadth of the human experience. You see everything from people dressing up their dogs as superheroes all the way to people dressing up their cats as superheroes. It's all there.

2% Email – An estimated 290 billion emails are sent each day. About 174 of those are legitimate. The rest are trying to sell you Viagra, timeshares, poorly made furniture, stock in companies that sell Viagra, iPads for $24, women named Irina who want to be your girlfriend, men named Irina who want to be your boyfriend and newsletters you don’t remember signing up for like American Bicycle Pedal Collectors Monthly etc. etc.

2% Humor Sites –This covers everything from the professional well-thought out and written sites like Cracked, Hyperbole and a Half and The Oatmeal to the crappy, misspelled, half-witted ramblings of degenerates like me.

1% Women’s Sites – Sites that tell you all the reasons that men are simply untrustworthy cheating vermin and the 150 ways to get one for yourself. They are all basically the same, they tell you that as a woman, you have value, are beautiful, make enough money, are a good friend and then point out all the reasons why that’s never going to be enough to land a man.

1% Men’s Sites – Sites filled with chicks in bikinis that are pent up with unsatisfied freakish sexual urges that only YOU can satisfy. Also right after you have sex with them they turn into a sixpack and a burger…or so that joke goes. Somehow these sites seem more honest than the Women’s sites.

1% Miscellaneous - Photos of cute cats with large poorly written grammar on them.

1% Fan Sites – Sites explaining why you are too stupid to truly understand and appreciate such cinematic gems as The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Star Trek, Star Wars, Blade Runner and Dude Where’s My Car?

1% Technology Sites – Gizmodo, Engadget etc. Sites that tell you that whatever it is that you just stood online for 4 days for and spent $499 to buy has become obsolete in the time it took you to walk back to your office.

1% Torrent Sites – Sites where you can download every freakin file ever created since the dawn of man for free and all you have to do is accept whatever crazy virus and/or malware that’s attached to it. Piece of cake.

1% Religious Sites – Christian sites that blame Islam, Islamic sites that blame the Jews, Jewish sites that blame the Jews, Buddists that ignore all of this, Hindus that blame McDonalds etc.

So now you know how the world works. And this is how the world ends.

Ask Problem guy!

Dear Problem Guy,

I am a computer programmer with humor issues. I told this great binary joke at a party last night and no one got it. I'll tell it again here so you can see how good it is...

01001110101001 1001001 0101 0101 10001 0110101 010 01

110101 101001 01010 1001010001 10101 1001

10101001010 01001 010

1 01010 0101010101 01 1010 11 010101 101 0101 101010 010 1 01 !

Advice: 01001 0101 01010101 101010 101

How About a Little TV...

As an experiment, I have decided to subject myself to a full 24 hours of television. I will watch in 1/2 hour increments as to decrease my chances of absorbing too much stupid.

5:00 am

The Too-Freakin Early Show – 2 fairly non-descript idiots from the bottom of the network food chain are forced to kill time knowing full well that their audience consists of heroin addicts, old insomniacs and nurses coming off-shift. Highlights this morning include a recipe for clam dip for health nuts substituting tofu for clams and a report on how to keep you sock drawer manageable.

5:30 am

Infomercial for The SchmuckCo Hair Tweedler 2000. We watch in awe as a group of unsuspecting idiots culled from the local mall in Fort Lauderdale will be subjected to this strange device which in the end will provide none of what it promises and eventually lead to a class-action suit brought by several hair-traumatized victims.

6:00 am

Infomercial – DO NOT CHANGE THAT CHANNEL! YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE CULMINATION OF ALL OF MAN’S TECHNOLOGY. HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO GET RID OF YOUR EYEBROWS BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW?, THEN THIS IS THE PRODUCT FOR YOU! The Browzer Ultra is here, today! Would you believe that for only 8 payments of $45 not including shipping and handling, you could be the owner of this revolutionary hair care device? Why just tak…CLICK!

6:30 am

TeleTubbies – What in the name of holy fuck is going on here? Several multi-colored imbeciles dance around making non-sensical noise and babbling incessantly… and yet it is strangely soothing. Unlike C-SPAN.

7:00 am

Denise Austin – Exercise show hosted by a woman with a porn star’s body and a voice like Valium. I don’t see how anyone gets through her workout. She just makes me want to whack-off and go back to bed as soon as possible.

7:30 am

Barney and Friends – I am not a violent person by nature but there is something about this purple bastard that makes me want to take a machete to his head and tail and then eat them in front of those annoying fuckin’ kids who sing his songs.

8:00 am

Montel – On Today’s show, Montel brings on a drill seargent who berates a group of teenagers who drink, do drugs and have sex and were too stupid to figure out that this show would be an ambush. What did they think, they were being invited to “Kids Who Get High, Bang Ass, Booze It Up and Their Proud Parents”?

8:30 am

Infomercial – Hello! I’m an actor pretending to have an Australian accent. Isn’t it annoying? Well too bad, our studies show that Americans are 45% more likely to buy a stupid product from someone who doesn’t sound like they’re from Pig’s Trotter’s, Texas. Don’t you feel the urge to buy this product even though you don’t even know what it is? Well, you’ll never know. It’s a secret and I’ll never tell. Just send me a check for 13 easy payments of $29.99 not including shipping and handling and I’ll… CLICK

9:00 am

The Wiggles – I have no idea what is going on here but if you’re looking for a show that is breeding the next generation of pedophiles, this show is just for you.

9:30 am

Judge Hatchett – 30 minutes of lawsuits that could never be held in a real court unless those courts were run by orangutans in suits. On today’s show Estelle WarmBush is being sued by Bunni Wilkins over her promise to “Do her dog’s hair up right for the barn dance” and then proceeding to shave the words “Ass Chicklet” on the dog’s side.

10:00 am

Regis and Kelly – Good God, what’s next? Today Regis has on a 23-year old skateboarder, whose parents must be so proud now that he has achieved his goal of being on this insipid excuse for programming. He will show off his skills by jumping over co-host Kelly Ripa who is only about 20 inches wide.

10:30 am

Christopher Lowell – Overtly effeminate interior designer Chris will show us how you too can get a cute overdone lisp in just three-weeks. Also he’ll show how you can take an old lamp, glue shit to it and come to the realization that after all your work, time and money that it’s still going into the trash.

11:00 am

Jerry Springer – On today’s show: Men Who Used To Be Female Welders Living In Sin With Their First Cousins Who Must Reveal Their Secret Love Affairs With Their Old Broken Washing Machines.

11:30 am

Wheel of Fortune – You know the drill, Vanna in bad clothes, spins letters when they light up and yet somehow in every show, there’s a point in which a pathetic housewife from Michigan can’t figure out this sentence: THE STAR SPAN_GLED BANNER.

12:00 pm

Ricki Lake – Today’s Topic on this wanna-be ethnic show: “Beyotch! Stay Away From My Man Even Though He Has Impregnated Over a Dozen Women and One Small Slow Dog and Continues to Live With His Moms, Who He Robs Repeatedly For Crack Money!”

12:30 pm

Golden Girls – The further adventures of three dried-up old hags forced to live together in a small retirement community surrounded by lecherous old men, perscription-medication sharing and dinners held at 4:30 in the afternoon. On today’s episode Bea Arthur rallies the old farts together to look for Estelle Getty’s dentures.

1:00 pm

Blind Date – A fascinating look into why men and women are unable to get together. Women learn that men think its OK to ask for anal sex before they even get to the appetizers and men learn that women are shy prudes.

1:30 pm

Classmates – Join us as we find pathetic slobs whose lives are so boring that they want to get in touch with people they were stupid enough to sleep with in the back seat of a Camaro in 11^th grade. Learn how many people look and act and have the same jobs that they did while in High School.

2:00 pm

Divorce Court – On today’s show, Ernest Doint and Edna Doint seek a divorce on account of the fact that Ernest has been seeing Edna’s twin sister Edweena on the side… Literally!… Edna and Edweena are conjoined twins!

2:30 pm

Infomercial – ‘Ello Matey! I’m Jeremy ChorfenForfen, straight up from down under! I’m ere to sell you the bran’ spankin’ new Testicle Buffer 7800. That’s right 7800 rpm’s of buffing power aimed directly at your precious fragile nutsack. How much would you pay for this…well don’t answer yet because if you call within the next 45 days, we’ll throw in the ButtWipe O’Matic for free! And there’s more, wh…CLICK!

3:00 pm

Star Trek: The Next Generation – Bearded second in command Will Riker is forced to take over command of the Enterprise when Captain Picard becomes cranky and must be put down for a nap. In an alternate plotline, security is unable to get teenager Wesley Crusher off the holodeck where he has been locked into a Hugh Hefner simulation for the past three and half weeks.

3:30 pm

A Wedding Story – Come along with us as we watch a terrified and completely unprepared man be dragged into matrimonial bliss whether he likes it or not. Highlights include the groom-to-be’s castration in front of his male friends, attending a bonfire made from his porno stash and a visit to the salon for a manicure to ensure the last vestiges of his manhood are swept away.

4:00 pm

JAG – I couldn’t tell you the plot of this show if I tried since I was completely and utterly engrossed in the boobs of the lead actress, Catherine Bell, whom I am now convinced was placed on Earth by a mean bastard of a God.

4:30 pm

Star Trek : Deep Space Nine – Sisko demands that the Cardassians bring coffee and donuts when they visit DS9. Hilarity ensues when Commander Ducat laces Sisko’s Latte Frappacino with Strontium 90.

5:00 pm

Fox News – I love this show, usually you have to pay upwards of $75 for this kind of entertainment. Within moments, I am convinced that I am watching a parody of American Television and not the real news of the day.

5:30 pm

Judge Judy – Today’s case: Highly unattractive 22-year old grandaughter of questionable genetics sues 88-year old Grandmother for offering herself to the granddaughter’s incredible unattractive 23-year old fiancé of questionable dental history.

6:00 pm

National News – Here is where the real fun can be had. Monotonous droning newscasters plod on about all those things that no one cares about. To show that Dan Rather is still on the cutting edge of hip, they do a segment on Outkast’s latest hit “Hey Ya”, with Dan referring to the song incorrectly three times, calling it “Hey You”, “HeHa” and “HeeBoo”.

6:30 pm

Friends – The least realistic depiction of life in New York City...ever.

7:00 pm

Simpsons – The one where Homer continues to eat a month old sandwich which has gone grey and steamy despite the fact that it keeps sending him to the hospital over and over again.

7:30 pm

Seinfeld – The one where Kramer comes crashing into Jerry’s apartment like a victim of a spastic colon in desperate search of a bathroom. Wait… isn’t that every episode?

8:00 pm

Yes Dear – Greg shows the viewing audience that yet again there is room for another show in which men are characterized as bumbling idiots who can’t remember their anniversary and continually forget how many children they have but still want to have sex even though their wives are mad at them.

Editors Note: If you are unable to find this show, please substitute: Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Still Standing, Two and a Half Men, According to Jim…the list goes on and on.

8:30 pm

Fear Factor – Young twenty something pinheads agree to do just about anything in pursuit of $50,000 which of course will be gone in 2 months after their relatives and the government hear about it. Tonight the contestants will be spun at high speed in a centrifuge and then asked to complete a job application while dizzy, consume a bucket of a homeless man’s vomit and be thrown into the ocean with an anchor tied to their ankles.

9:00 pm

My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé – Ugh!

9:30 pm

Half & Half – Yet another UPN (Unfunny Peoples Network) show in which a group of African American women complain about the men in their lives. For those of you with HBO, the cracker version is called Sex in the City.

10:00 pm

Tonight on CNN Strike Back with Crossfire as Bill O’Reilly shouts on the Larry King Show. A dozen idiots who all claim to have everyone’s best interests at heart and of course a plan to save society from itself proceed to shriek and yell for a full hour with commercials thrown in every 20-30 seconds to ensure that no one gets to finish a sentence and nothing gets resolved.

10:30 pm

Ripley’s Believe it Or Not – Tonight a man with 3 lips, a tribe in South America that slaps midgets to make music and a 58 year old man with the brain of a 6 year old…Hey! how did they get Bill O’Reilly on this show?

11:00 pm

Local News on NBC – All the news you missed a few scant hours ago and some new stuff designed to make you fear every innocuous thing in your home…DON’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL OR YOU WONT FIND OUT HOW YOUR FABRIC SOFTENER COULD BE POISONING YOUR CAT, MR. BINKLES!

11:35 pm

David Letterman – Tonight Dave chats with Julia Roberts, throws giant bowls of Tapioca off the roof and makes light of funny news articles.

Jay Leno – Tonight Jay chats with Julia Roberts, throws tomatoes at a security guard in his parking lot and makes light of funny news articles.

12:00 pm

Conan O’Brien – Tonight Conan chats with Julia Roberts, throws up and makes light of funny news articles.

12:30 am

The Man Show – 30 minutes of beer, broads and bozos. But let’s keep in mind that it is the only show on television today that has scantily-clad girls jumping on trampolines.

1:00 am

Antiques Roadshow – Franklin T. Woolibimmer III inspects the filthy useless detritus culled from the basements and garages of the nation in hopes of finding one true treasure. Today’s show boasts a man who claims to have a certified booger from the left nostril of Marie Antoinette.

1:30 am

Star Trek – Captain Kirk bones a purple chick and follows it up with a green chick threesome and caps off the evening with a striped chick and her checkered past (rimshot).

Also somewhere on the ship something happens and blah blah blah.

2:00 am

Three’s Company – Jack and Janet finally get fed up and smack the shit out of Crissy after she does that snort laugh one time too many.

2:30 am

Three’s Company – Jack and Janet are forced to dig a hole in the backyard to bury Crissy after the smacking gets a little out of hand.

3:00 am

Infomercial – Hello, I’m Ron Popeil, creator of The CornHoler, The Backyard ScrewBoy and The Home Lobotomy System but today I want to introduce you to my newest creation: Ass In A Can. Yes Ass In A Can. How many nights have you sat lonely and alone in your dank squalid bedroom above the bowling alley and thought, if only I had som…CLICK!

3:30 am

Access Hollywood – Tune in as two sycophants insert themselves into the lives of legitimately famous people in an effort to get some of it to rub off on them. Watch as they ask inappropriate questions in front of the celebrities children, see how they attach themselves remora-like to the celebrities legs even as they try to run away.

4:00 am

Lost in Space – Pedophile doctor is left in charge of ugly child and hilarity ensues.

4:30 am

ESPN Sports Center – 30 minutes in which we have crammed every single sports event of the day. You name it, we have it. Footage from everything from baseball to jai alai. From Argentinina Bocce to Japanese SquirrelWhacking. We’ve got it.

Experiment complete! Well, what have we learned today, boys and girls? Ummm...nothing, to be honest. We already knew TV is for shit but I have finally earned the right to go to bed. Good night.

Shopping...

I have to admit it. I hate shopping, I freakin hate it. I hate it the way a frenchman hates an american chef.

Apparently I have always lacked the genes necessary that cause people to enter a store and randomly toss cash into the air near any salesperson.

Ah, the salespeople, smile like a shark and the ability to sneak up and spray you with some wretched new perfume with a clever name like “Homogenous for Men”.

“When you want to smell just like everyone else”.

So I lack the shopping gene, but what I lack in that department, I make up for in triplicate when it comes to the idiot gene. That’s the gene that makes men hold babies by their feet, causes brain function to cease upon seeing large breasts and to shout Whoo Hoo! at their wife while shaking their johnson – each and every time they take off their pants.

This is how it goes…

My father, mother and I head out to Waldbaums, a grocery store in Bensonhurst built for the filthy teeming masses in search of the ultimate in coupon savings.

When we arrive, my father and I race into the store, never looking back and grab the first cart we see. It matters not if it is full of someone else’s groceries or even that an arthritic 78-year old grandmother is still attached to it.

Experience has taught us that those bony little fingers will lose their death-like grip eventually and she will go sailing off into the frozen foods case at no less than 70 miles per hour.

So we whiz down the aisle, aisles that each week are being made more and more narrow in an effort to stop people from shopping there. Sparks fly off our cart as we scrape our way down and into aisle 2 – Oats, Toilet Paper and Fishsticks.

Mind you, we don’t buy anything. Heaven’s no, that’s Mom’s job. Unfortunately she does not have a cart. No matter how many times we do this to her, no matter how often she sees us racing off into the distance, she never gets her own cart.

Must be some gene she lacks.

And she is positive that we will be waiting just at the end of the next aisle for her but we will not be captured so easily. In her mind she thinks that she will be able to drop off the 51 items she has picked up and is now stumbling around with.

Can you believe it, she wants to put her things into our cart? Our cart! Doesn’t she realize that we had to put an old lady in traction to get it?

When we’re sure that she can’t catch up to us on account of the stroke she is having in aisle 3 (Diapers, Soy Sauce and Margarine) we slow down to better examine the fantastic flora and fauna that is Waldbaum’s.

We zip by the cologne/perfume aisle. It’s to be avoided at all costs. This is Brooklyn so that particular aisle is 15 feet wide and carries no less than 13,000 types of cologne. The scents have all combined into a hazy miasma that threatens to make one sterile and blind. This EPA disaster is caused by many of the young studs that roam fair Bensonhurst and think nothing of coming in and spraying themselves before a hot night of cruising 86th Street. Why pay when you can sample?

Today’s consumer hint: You may not want to buy deodorant at this store.

We come to a complete stop in aisle 17 – Toothpaste, Gym Socks and Sex Toys. The “stock boy” (I say “boy” sarcastically since he appears to be no less than 57 years old) regards us lightly then returns to his task.

He is digging in his nose and this is a far more delicate and involved task than you can imagine. He won’t be sidetracked by us gawkers.

So entranced is he, two knuckles deep, that he has completely forgotten the 100-odd cans of cling peaches that are strewn about the floor, creating a shopping cart traffic jam so large that it is visible from space.

Dad: What do you suppose he has in there?

Me: Dunno, looks like he has a really good hold of it, though.

Dad: Are you sure?

Me: Yep, it even looks like he i….EEEWWWWWWW!

Sounds of us sprinting from the aisle.

Soon we regain our composure. With thoughts of nostril contents behind us we move into aisle 31 – Chicken Parts, Halloween costumes and Melba Toast. We relax some and agree never to speak of that man again as long as we both live.

Now it’s time for us to discuss other shoppers. My father and I can’t believe how two handsome devils such as ourselves have come to be shipwrecked on the damaged genetic peninsula that is Waldbaum’s. Here in Darwin’s Waiting Room, we study and record the comings and goings of this evolutionary fiasco in progress.

Amongst the mop holders and cans of Cheeze Whiz, we watch the endless parade of mishapen hairdos, blinding pastel housecoats, neon hair curlers and even individuals who appear to be conversing with delegates from the planet Wacko.

They’re all here. Why is that? And why hasn’t someone dropped a bomb on this place on a Saturday morning. Don’t they realize the good they would be doing?

As we turn into aisle 136 – Batteries, Vaseline and Pasta, we realize that once again, we have to come to the end of our trip. There in the distance is the checkout girl. A gap-toothed mother of 7, fathered by 6, dressed in hot pants and no bra is waving us in. It’s like we’re going home.

And we are going home, we are leaving this land of geriatric coupon thieves, miscreants recently paroled and other “citizens” of this fine city and heading back to our own house of where everything seems just a little more normal…

…for us that is.

And there is Mom, hair disheveled, mascara running, cigarette dangling from her bottom lip, cursing under her breath as she tries to balance a gallon of milk, head of lettuce, 26 cans of cat food, a tub of butter, bottle of tonic water, loaf of bread, 8 rolls of paper towels and other assorted items in her arms.

Somehow she still manages to give us the finger.

Ask Problem guy!

Dear Problem Guy:

My son thinks he is Superman and he’s driving me crazy. He makes me tie a dishcloth around his neck so he can run through the house looking for things to crash his head into.

I tie the dishcloth tighter each time hoping that the lack of oxygen will tire him out. Is it wrong to do that? And is it wrong that I think it’s funny when he turns blue?

Advice: It’s only a problem if the shade of blue clashes with your drapes.