I ride the subway every day, twice a day. It’s a fascinating microcosm all its own…. or maybe its just two dozen lunatics hurtling through the steaming, fetid, inky, blackness inside a filthy, poorly-lit metal tube.
Yeah…that sounds right. The group of people you see every day, your fellow travelers, define the train experience in many ways. Sometimes I wonder what they’re thinking…
The math teacher thinks “an average of 21 people per car multiplied by 9 cars minus the conductor and the motorman…
The homeless guy thinks “what the fuck are all these people doing in my living room”!
The graphic designer thinks “I hate the MTA logo, looks like fist pushing into an anus”.
The construction worker thinks “I wonder if these people know that underneath this strong powerful exterior is a quiet shy boy wearing his mother’s panties”?
The priest thinks “I wish all these heathens would get smited on their way to work”.
The rabbi thinks “I wish G-d would smite this priest next to me”.
The businessman thinks “one day all of these idiots will be working for me”.
The hooker thinks “there is not one person in this subway car that I would fuck”.
The college student thinks “$94,000 in tuition bills, Im gonna be in debt until Im dead”.
The busker thinks “I wonder if now is a good time to practice my all-accordion version of Beat It”?
The bum thinks “I wonder if I should take it out of my pants and beat it”?
The busboy thinks “Today Im just washing the dishes but tomorrow…um...uh..I’ll probably still be washing the dishes”.
The engineer thinks “these tunnel walls could collapse at any minute”.
The terrorist thinks “I could collapse these tunnel walls in under a minute”.
The nurse thinks “good thing I wore by scrubs to work, there no telling what sort of drug-resistant, super virus I can bring into the OR today from this subway seat”.
The conductor thinks “11 more years of this crazy shit and then I retire”.
The chef thinks “that’s it! sushi rolls made up in the shape of a subway car and Ill use bad fish to simulate the smell down here. Im a genius!”
The fanboy thinks “this is exactly like issue 478 of Superman where Jimmy Olsen is tied to the front of the train while it zooms deeper and deeper into the very bowels of the earth…. Heh, heh…bowels”.
The freegan thinks “Im helping the environment by using mass transit, also I eat out of the dumpster behind Whole Foods… Mother Earth loves me”.
The crazy guy thinks “hoopee de doo doo! Buggle buggle bedoobeeeeeee”! But he says it out loud.
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