May 21, 2011 – At the home of Howard Camping, head of Familyradio.com, talk radio personality, self-published Christian author and all around Ultimate Ping Pong Enthusiast. According to his amazingly well-researched data and armed with "magic" numbers given to him by Jesus himself, Mr Camping has announced that today is the Rapture...
6:57am: I wake up…this is it… this is the day of days, by this evening I will be held firmly in the soft pillowy bosom of our lord and savior. I cannot find the words to express how happy I am…wait I will try…it is “bitchin”.
7:00 – “Little Howard” is no longer camping. I must resist the temptation to self-gratify. That’s exactly what Satan wants of me today.
7:06 –Rise from bed, begin praying intensely for a good bowel movement. Not easy being 89 years old with a prostate the size of a softball.
7:17 – Struggle with the devil while he tries to keep me from my God-given right to poop.
7:19 to 7:44 – The struggle continues.
7:48 to 7:59 – Dress. Put on Anti-Satan underwear, “Jesus: Kickin Butt and Takin Names” undershirt and socks with little clips to make sure they stay up. God bless the man who invented those.
8:02 to 8:24 – Hearty breakfast of prunes, Super All Bran cereal and half gallon of Fibercon. I need all the help I can get. I refuse to show up to the gates of heaven with pooped pants.
8:28 – Bend down to get newspaper from lawn, hear sharp crack. Now lying on my face, butt in the air and in extreme pain.
9:44 – Finally!…mangy mongrel of a pet dog leads my wife to my side. She helps me up but not before pointing out that neighborhood kids have taped a sign to my behind that says “ One Penis At a Time, Please”. I will pray for the little bastards.
10:12 – Have taken some Doan’s back pills, another half gallon of Fibercon and am back to work. Time to re-check my numbers about today’s impending Rapture.
10:13 to 10:48 – Get bored with Bible stuff, making doodles of Jesus with a machine gun shooting communists.
10:49 – Back to the numbers. Ok. So… Jesus gets crucified in 33, lets say April 1, that sounds good, it’s around Easter…then we add in the number of days Noah was on the ark. So 33 plus 44, then we add that to Mary Magdalene’s measurements which as we all know from severe scrutinizing of that one painting (you know the one I mean, where you can see a little of her ankle, woo boy, I get a little flushed just thinking about it). So 36 x 24 x 34, which when multiplied together give us….um… wait 29,453 AD. Shit… I’ll be long dead by then so let’s divide that by the standard lunar month of 29.53 days and of course we have to add in the number of pieces of silver Judas received and then multiply it by the number of times I received really good Christmas gifts I wanted instead of crap my wife gave me and then add in the number of times I had a really good Denver Omelet and then round that down a bit to 2,011. Whew…now for the day. May is a nice month but I have tickets to the movies on Friday the 20th and then I have the dentist appointment on Monday the 23rd…ok let’s go with May 21.
11:45 – Time for a quick prayer and then down to Minnie’s for lunch.
12:02 to 12:51 – Lunch. I had the Tuna Salad on toast and the deviled eggs. I prayed over the eggs first.
1:27 – Back at the office. Thought I should try some things I normally wouldn't have experienced in this sinful life. Purchased some marijuana from the gentleman across the street, he said “Padre, you’re gonna love it, I even put a little extra sumthin' sumthin' in there for ya”. First puff….seems rather pleasant.
1:29 – SHIT! , MAN I shoulda been smoking this stuff ALL THE TIME! Why didn’t people tell me about this. It’s all clear to me now! I am not here. My body is lying in a lab somewhere but my brain man, my brain is floating in a tank filled with grape Kool-Aid and it's so freakin cool and it's so freakin cool and it's so freakin cool and it's so…whoa I seem to be…wait are those my fingers?…how did I get so many? JESUS I AM COMING TO YOU IN A DIAPER AND WITH MY OWN CROWN SO I WONT HAVE TO BORROW YOURS! HAHAhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….
3:49 - Woke up in the town fountain in my underwear. They are soiled, I guess the marijuana succeeded where the Fibercon failed. Police brought me home. I am ok now.
4:08 – Had some tea with my wife Shirley. Thought it was time to say something I have held in my heart all these years. I told her that her noodle casserole tastes like a sneaker buried in a filthy, mosquito infested swamp for 5 years, although eating the sneaker has a better chance of not causing me severe intestinal cramping.
4:09: -Wife told me to and I quote “cram it in my scabby ol’ ass”.
4:19 – Continuing my studies. Listening to “Back in Black by AC/DC. I don’t think I’ve ever tapped my shoe that fast. Must take some time to slow my heart rate.
4:29 – Watching pornography….Sweet Merciful Jesus…I am horrified….how did I miss out on this?
4:41 – Pondering how wonderful and powerful the Lord is…also how wonderful naked breasts are.
4:43 - Watching pornography
4:49 - pornography
4:53 – Writing some goodbye notes to the heathens I know. But I keep getting distracted by pornography, that tool of Satan himself. When I look back I have written the words “titties” fifty-two times.
4:58 – Shot of absinthe. Also a jigger of vermouth and three small bottles of gin I found in Shirley’s nightstand.
5:07 - porno
5:15 - porn
5:26 – While searching for my favorite tie clip, I found 2 cases of Jim Beam, a few almost empty fifths of vodka and another 3 dozen mini bottles. Why does my wife drink so much?
5:39 – Watching some TV. Something called Jersey Shore. A small dreadfully ugly, half-naked troll-like creature is drunk and hollering. I am now convinced that the world must end today.
5:58 – Almost there. Im watching TV and waiting. I wonder how it will happen. Do I just get sucked up into the sky? Wont that ruin the roof? And what about my hair, I don’t want Jesus to see me with my hair mussed.
5:59 – Goodbye old world, I leave the heathens and evil doers behind and go to a better place, a place with no sex, or booze, no TV or internet, no food or cigarettes…uh…hmmm…oh boy. I may not have thought this through.
6:00 – No Earthquake, this is odd.
6:01 – porn
6:03 –Still no earthquake. I may have to recheck my math.
6:10 – It isn’t like God to be late.
6:19 – Note, prepare statement for Sunday morning. Say something like “I’m flabbergasted”.
6:34 – Salisbury Steak Hungryman Frozen dinners with Shirley…watching reruns of Hee Haw.
6:51 - I wonder if Shirley knows about porn?
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