Acme Widgets Inc. is committed to maintaining a work environment that is free of discrimination, including harassment, based on sex, race, original home planet, mental disorder, color, pattern, hat size, hair style (unless you still have a mullet or your hair looks like Justin Beiber's) fetish, religion, creed (whatever that means), national origin, ancestry, (unless you're Sicilian), citizenship status, marital status, pregnancy (unless you're pregnant), age, veteran status, disability, sexual orientation (unless you're into that whole salamander thing), political standing (unless you think Sarah Palin is a viable candidate for anything other than a career in MILF porn). Or other protected categories under federal, state or local law.
In keeping with this commitment, we will not tolerate discrimination by any Acme Widgets Inc. supervisor. However the boss and board of directors may do whatever the hell they want, even Mr. Woodrow who has that thing about the salamanders. Nor will we tolerate harassment of our employees by anyone, including any Acme Widgets Inc. employee, coworker, vendor, or customer. Unless of course that vendor is giving us boatloads of cash, then we will sell you out faster than a pimp on Saturday night.
With this policy, Acme Widgets Inc. prohibits not only unlawful harassment, but also other unprofessional and discourteous actions.
Some examples are:
1. You may not slap a co-worker on the ass and say "Must Be Jam, cause Jelly don't shake like that"
2. You may not place your hands underneath a co-workers boobs and say "Hmmm…the right one does feel a little heavier".
3. No sneaking into the conference room to play Mr. Woodrow, King of the Salamanders. Unless of course Mr. Woodrow suggests it.
4. You may not say "Well, that's not how we do things in this country".
Harassment prohibited by this policy includes verbal, visual or physical conduct that denigrates or shows hostility or aversion toward any individual. Harassing conduct includes, but is not limited to, the following:
1. Epithets. Unless they are on your shoulders….wait, no... those are epaulets. Well, it's 2011 you shouldn't wear those anyway.
2. Slurs. unless you have been drinking, then its understood if your speech is slurred.
3. Negative stereotyping. Unless a majority of the people around you believe as you do, then say whatever you want, you have a lot of witnesses.
4. Threatening, intimidating or hostile acts. Do not say things like "if you say that one more time, you are gonna spend the rest of the afternoon lookin for your teeth".
Or "How tall are you, I wanna make sure the bodybag fits". You may not take out your wang and wave it at your co-workers while shouting "Woo Hoo"! You can however, use the more accepted "Tally Ho"!
5. Written or graphic materials that shows hostility toward an individual or group that is placed anywhere in the workplace. You may also not spend your own money to purchase magnetic letters and then use them to spell out rude sayings such as "Working here is Asstacular" or the always popular "Who Farted"? You must find more clever ways to write rude things, such as using the phrase "ball peen hammer". Note: If you are of Chinese ancestry, you may feel free to spell things like "Would you like to see my Wang"?
Sexual harassment deserves special attention. Doesn't it always? While difficult to define, sexual harassment may include but is not limited to unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors and other physical, verbal or visual conduct based on gender and...
1. Submission to the conduct is an explicit condition of employment. As in, "Wanda, if you show me your spectacular breasts, I will have no choice but to give you a tremendous raise".
2. Submission to or rejection of the conduct is used as the basis for an employment decision. As in, "Marcus if you continue showing your totem pole to your female co-workers, I will have no choice but to warn you again". Note: The use here of "totem pole" can be construed as harassment of Native Americans. Although I don't think they even like being called Native Americans anymore, let's just call them what they are, people who were here first and doing well until Europeans came over, gave them disease, shot at them and then threw them off their own land but then let them have casinos instead.
3. Conduct has the effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual's work performance. As in, you may not juggle Phil's "yambag" while he is giving a PowerPoint presentation.
Sexual harassment includes many forms of offensive behavior. Examples of conduct which may constitute sexual harassment include, but are not limited to:
1. Unwanted sexual advances unless they seem to know what they are doing, being clumsy is no way to start any relationship.
2. Threatening reprisals after a negative response to sexual advances. For example if the sex isn't great with Bradley in accounting, you may not send out an all staff email telling everyone "that he couldn't find your hoohah and basically screwed the bunched up sheets on the bed for 5 minutes before shouting "Boom goes the dynamite"! and then falling asleep.
3. Visual conduct such as sexual gestures or the displaying of sexually explicit or suggestive objects, pictures or cartoons. That includes the comic where the two Canadian squirrels are pretending to do a log-roll with the purple vibrator over Niagara Falls.
4. Written abuse. That means no letters or emails that start with "Dear Titty Monster", or address another co-worker as "Emperor TooLong Johnson", no matter how well endowed he may be.
We also want to stress our commitment to comply with federal, state and local laws. Because let's be honest, if we don't…we'll have lawsuits piling up like Sicilians at a free cannoli giveaway.
Everyone shares responsibility for avoiding discrimination and harassment. If you feel that you have experienced or witnessed harassment or discrimination, you must immediately notify the Director of Resources, who by the way is the person who once said "that's not how we do things in this country". So good luck with that.
Remember, Acme Widgets Inc. cares about you…well…not in a motherly way… more in the "do you think you could get naked and lay down on this couch"? kind of way.
And that's what we're all about here at Acme Widgets Inc.
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