One too many blows to the head...

These are some of the more stupid things said during a sports match...

“We’re just going to take it one game at a time.”

As opposed to building a time machine and traveling three weeks in the future, playing that game and then coming back to play the other two?

“They really brought their A game tonight”.

What are they doing on the other nights?

He knows what it takes to win.

I hope so, don’t all the players have to read and understand the rules before they get allowed onto the field?

“I’m the last one to make excuses.”

Doesn’t sound like it.

"He was robbed".
No, he wasn’t, he didn’t play well enough to win. Getting robbed is what happens on April 15 every year.

"It’s a battle of epic proportions".
No it isn’t, World War II was a battle of epic proportions, this is just a football game.

"These guys have nothing to be ashamed of"
Generally said at the end of a game when they lose…so yes they should be ashamed.

"They really ate our lunch".
Well while they were distracted doing that, you should have taken the ball and won the game.

"They cant afford to lose any more points".
Who can?

"These guys really came together as a team".
Isn’t that what they’re supposed to do?

"He zigged when he should have zagged".
No, he lost when he should have won.

"These guys have a lot of depth".
Nope, they don’t, if they did they wouldn’t be athletes, they would be out there trying to find a cure for the common cold.

“We know what we gotta do; we just gotta go out there and do it.”
That’s like saying I have to inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale…inhale…

"They’re trying to milk the clock".
This is wrong on many levels the least of which is the freaky image it calls to mind.

"These teams are well matched".
Well that’s good, if its one thing I don’t want to see, it’s a team of 320lb no-neck glandular cases playing football against a dozen 88-year old arthritic widows.

“We’re going to get things turned around.”
Translation: We are currently losing so we will try to win instead.

"These guys are a real class act".
Wrong again, Dame Judi Dench is a class act, you guys are a bunch of sweaty, steroid cases, crashing into each other’s heads.

"We came to play".

No kidding.

"We came to win".

Did anyone come just to lose?

"That player was heroic".
No that is simply wrong. Someone rushing into a burning building is heroic, someone jumping into a frozen lake to save a drowning victim is heroic. Running with a ball is not heroic.

"He has lightning-fast reflexes".
He’s an athlete, I would hope so, what sport rewards moving or acting slowly? And don’t say Golf. Golf isnt a sport, it’s a good long walk ruined.

"He has unlimited potential".
So does everyone, that’s like saying “he can pee twice a day”.

And lastly… stop thanking God and Jesus for your wins, not only does it take away from what the rest of the team actually did, it implies that a deity is actually interested in altering the course of a fuckin sports event.