Roommate Questionnaire

Thanks for coming by, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to fill out a quick questionnaire to help me decide if we would be compatible roommates. Take your time and answer honestly…

What is your morning routine?

a. 7am. prepare a nutritious breakfast, shower, shave and get to the office on time.

b. 11:53am. Wake in a panic, trip over assorted naked people on the way to the bathroom, wipe face and ass with same towel, hopefully in that order and then run down the street to catch the bus to McDonalds.

c. 4:17pm. Wake up, push used panties out of eyes, knock over bong accidently, hit snooze button even though alarm is not ringing, fall asleep. 8:33pm wake again. See that its dark outside, assume its very early morning, go back to sleep.

How ambitious are you?

a. Im like a Great White Shark tracking my prey across any distance.

b. Housecat, if I hear the can opener, Ill make a reasonable effort to get to the kitchen.

c. Im like a slug glued to a brick covered in motor oil… that watches TV all day.

How often do you bathe?

a. Once a day no matter what.

b. Every time I have a date.

c. That depends, what day is today?

Do you like chicks or dudes?

a. Chicks

b. Dudes

c. That depends, what day is today?

Sharing a bathroom, what are you like?

a. You wont even know I was in there before you.

b. I will use your deodorant only as a last-case scenario.

c. I will shave my gooch on a semi-weekly basis with your Norelco…and leave the hairs in it.

How do you like your coffee?

a. Black, sugar

b. In a mug that says “Who farted”?

c. Like my men, black, sugar.

How often will you buy groceries?

a. Once a week, every other week.

b. Once a month when we run out of Crisco and Fruity Pebbles.

c. Only if an imminent zombie apocalypse is at hand.

What would you do if I was in bed being intimate with my date and you came home?

a. Quietly back out of the room and leave my tie hung on the knob as a sign to others.

b. Yell “ Awww Yeah!!!!! and snap a photo of you with my iPhone.

c. Slip under the sheets and spoon you while offering graphic advice on what you should do next.

Are you into dogs?

a. Of course, I think they can be great companions and protection for our home.

b. You mean ugly chicks? Depends on how high I am, I guess.

c. It’s not like that at all, man…I love her….and besides, it aint illegal in Virginia.

A Jehovah’s witness comes by at 7 am on a Sunday morning, how do you respond?

a. With a gentle urging that they return at a later hour for tea and discussion.

b. I grab their stack of Watchtower magazines and smash their face in... repeatedly.

c. With deadly force.

You are out of clean underwear, what do you do?

a. Borrow a pair of yours, then run out to the store and purchase a new pack for you.

b. Turn em inside out, spray em with Febreeze and I'm good.

c. Underwear?

My parents are coming to visit, how do you greet them?

a. Shake your fathers hand firmly, kiss your mothers cheek and introduce myself in a clear strong voice.

b. Look firmly into your Mom’s eyes and say “oh, yes…it’s MILFer time”.

c. Climb out of bed, bum a cigarette from your Dad, wave my semi-rigid wang firmly at your mom.

The house is on fire, what do you do?

a. Get the nearest fire extinguisher and fight the flames while making sure everyone gets out.

b. Sing loudly “We Don’t Need No Water, Let The Muthafucker Burn”! (see footnote if you must).

c. Grab 4th of July Commemerative Bong, latest issue of Busty Babes and climb over anyone in my way.

* Lyrics made famous by "Rock Master Scott and the Dynamic Three" back in 1984.

The house has been robbed, the 74” Plasma TV has been stolen off the wall along with your huge porn collection? What is your first reaction?

a. Check to see if anything important is gone, then calmly contact the insurance agent and file a claim.

b. “… the porn?... Father! Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me”?!

c. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (sound of revolver being cocked).

What is your nickname?

a. Philip

b. The Butt Clencher

c. BongMeister Steve and The Chronic of Doom

How would you describe your ideal roommate?

a. Courteous, intelligent, fair and funny.

b. Huge creamy bazooms as big as my head and reliable access to a trustworthy local weed dealer.

c. Utterly Redonkulous.

Cooking... what is your speciality?

a. Butter and sage sautéed Gnocci with a shallot cream reduction.

b. Whatever is left on the griddle at closing time.

c. Drunk dialing Dominos

I’ve had too much to drink and have passed out on our couch during a party, what do you do?

a. Help you to bed, get you some Advil and a glass of water, close your door.

b. Place a lit joint in your mouth, put sunglasses on your face, take a photo and email it to your priest.

c. Remove your pants and write in magic marker above your ass “One Penis at a Time, Please”.

Three points for every “A”. Two points for every “B” One point for every “C”.

37 to 54 means Perfect match, when can you move in?

19 to 36 means I don’t think we can live together, please leave.

1 to 18 means I have alerted the authorities but Im going to have to Mace you before they arrive.