My wife...I think I'll keep her...

Recently I had been reading about long term relationships vs. marriages and it occurred to me how much things had changed. It brought to mind the passed-around email that reprinted some suggestions from Helen B. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, published in 1965.

Most of it just seemed downright silly in today's world, I don’t see how you could maintain a household in this manner today. It doesn’t seem feasible, not to mention it gives girls the wrong idea about their place/role in society as they grow up.

So like many people who write for fun, I thought I would take a stab at translating the list myself. My translations are in red…

GET YOUR WORK DONE

Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.

Did you re-shingle the roof and tar the driveway like you were told? Jesus Christ, it’s ten to six! Get the hell in the shower and scrub your ass till it shines. The last thing a man needs to see is his wife looking like a coal miner.

HAVE DINNER READY

Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Make sure the food is hot and on the table the second he sits his sweaty ass down. Rub your boobs on his head while he eats, dab at the corners of his mouth so he doesn’t waste energy cleaning up after himself, don’t wear a skirt or dress to dinner, there’s nothing a man likes better than eating meatloaf except for eating meatloaf while staring at your hoohah.

PREPARE YOURSELF

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Remember it’s your responsibility to look hot no matter what disaster you’ve dealt with today. If you cant be completely naked, at least have the decency to wear some sort of lingerie that’s so small it could fit in a thimble with room to spare. Topple around on a pair of 8” Lucite heels. Men love that. It’s like living with a drunk Barbie doll. He’s been dealing with chain smoking, cold-coffee guzzling assholes all day, the least you can do is look nice for him. Fix your hair, pull the thong out of your asscheeks and slather on enough lipstick to cover an oil tankers hull. Be gay…I mean really gay, try to have another woman nuzzling your breasts when he comes through the door. If that doesn’t make him happy…then he’s the one who is gay.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.

Get out a checklist, wander the house room by room and see what disasters the fucking kids have wrought today. Toilet clogged with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle heads? Check. Melted crayon and dog hair all over the stove? Check. Child’s feces splashed on wall near crib? Check. I don’t think a dustcloth and bucket are gonna be any help here. What you really need is access to a flamethrower and possibly some pharmaceutical grade heroin. Since both items are lacking in your house, start thinking of ways to get everything in order before the master graces you with his presence. Be creative. Close the toilet lid, put a Out Of Order sign on it. Scrape the crayon/doghair onto a paper plate, toss some sparkles on it and tell your husband that Little Emily made it in art class today. Poop on the wall? No problem. Tack up that poster of a half-naked Jennifer Lopez your husband keeps in the garage.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN

Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.

This is a little trickier as children are generally in a constant state of filthiness. Hands and faces aren’t gonna cut it here, you need to drag em out into the yard, tie them to a stake and hose them down like livestock. Treat them as you would a dog that has been rolling in a deceased raccoon’s entrails. Burn their clothes and re-dress them. If you can get a comb thru Little Emily’s hair, good for you. You'll obviously have to shave all of Little Timmy’s hair off since there is simply no easy way to remove all that gum. Remember, your husbands attitude here is children are little treasures and like every pirate recommends, you should bury them.

MINIMIZE ALL NOISE

Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.

Keep the damn noise down! Turn off all appliances, televisions, personal neck massagers and hi-fi stereos (if in fact those still exist). Tell the kids that they must be silent for the rest of the evening. Warn them they will be locked in the crawlspace with “The EyeBall Plucker” if they don’t comply. You should keep quiet as well, don’t bring up any topics that may upset him. Avoid conversations staring with the words “I need”, or “I think”. Don’t discuss politics, gas prices, whether Pluto is in fact a planet or not, crop yields in Arkansas, movies, weather, music, brown eggs vs. white eggs, Wal-Mart, sports, personal neck massagers, or the outside world in general.

BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM

Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.

When he comes thru the door you should be grinning like an escaped mental patient who somehow obtained access to huge quantities of Valium. Have an already lit joint ready, a 40 of OE 800 is a nice touch. Throw a few dollars at the kids and tell them to go get some candy. Give your man a hummer while he gets his drink on.

Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening.

Men are timid creatures, easily frightened by big noises and looking at lady parts up close. Try not to make it worse for him by telling him the mailman accidentally ripped his latest issue of Philatelic Enthusiasts Monthly.

Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.

He may have a good reason to be late, like maybe he was trying to pick up the slow girl at Stop n Shop or maybe the guys wanted to go out to Titays! The local gentleman’s club. Either way… zip your lip.

Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.

Why should he have to spend time with his kids? Allow him to dodge parenting like Lindsay Lohan dodges jail time. Also, the children should be at attention and saluting at all times.

LISTEN TO HIM

You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.

Listen to him, he is a man. He has lots to say about nothing in particular. Sooner or later he will run out of breath.

THE GOAL

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.

You’ve got to make it work, as the woman, it’s all on you. Otherwise, why would he want to come home to a disheveled home, a pair of screaming dirty children and a wife who is probably diddling the plumber twice a week when he could stay out gallivanting across town committing acts of wanton vulgarity with women and men alike, indiscriminately urinating in alleys and betting on bum fights.

MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE

Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.

Sneak into the room quietly, tie his shoes together so he cant run. In a soothing, pleasant voice, whisper the words “this is how the world ends”…place a fluffy pillow over his face and press down. Between the weed, alcohol and the extra weight provided by the kids, he should be dead in a few minutes.