NASCAR …will someone please explain it to me? I, like most marginally educated people cant seem to get behind this alleged sport. I get it... the cars go fast in a circle, everyone prays for the cars to crash and somehow it’s impressive when someone wins.
But I'm not sure why.
I’ve always thought that the way to tell if a sport was interesting is to take away any of the conventional things we do when we watch sports. That is, if you can watch a football game without snacks, drinks or even commercials to break up the game, would you still enjoy it?
If the answer is yes, then you have something worth watching.
If you take away the crashes, hotdogs, backwards baseball caps, flannel cut off shirts, beer and girls in bikini tops who should not be wearing them… what person still in possession of a working brain would watch this crap?
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! At the Podunk Witherford Arena in downtown PigStrunk Arkansas, next to the Bi-Lo and cross the road from the Piggly-Wiggly!…We present the Pigstrunk 500. That’s right!... 500 laps of mind-numbingly stupid people racing around in circles. Half as much fun as watching paint dry and twice as much fun as watching grass grow!… Come down early and get an autograph from Sheila Mae Whitten, the girl who almost got into Hustler!
Bobby Joe Jimmy, Dale Schmuckhead Jr, Doofus, J Wilis and more all competing for a $100 gift card to Rich’s Department Store! Down on I-77! Near that place what has Reverend Pilson doing the snake handlin’!
And speaking of faith...witness and testify as Billy Ray Whitburn tries to take back the title from his arch eneny, Number 58, Stevie Joe Stevens. Lord… there is no love lost between these two...course that hasn’t stopped em from sharing the same woman for the past 9 years. Woo Doogie!
And make sure you bring your swimming suits cause half way thru the race (that’s at 250 laps for you high school dropouts) we gonna fill the center field with water and make a giant mud pit for sloshing around. Bring your own pig and get half off…bring your wife and get in free!
Tickets are on sale now! You’re gonna pay for the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge! And if you're anything like Edna Mae Tucker, you’re gonna need 2 seats!
VROOOOOOOM…VROOOOOMM!
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