How was your weekend?

May 21, 2011 – At the home of Howard Camping, head of Familyradio.com, talk radio personality, self-published Christian author and all around Ultimate Ping Pong Enthusiast. According to his amazingly well-researched data and armed with "magic" numbers given to him by Jesus himself, Mr Camping has announced that today is the Rapture...

6:57am: I wake up…this is it… this is the day of days, by this evening I will be held firmly in the soft pillowy bosom of our lord and savior. I cannot find the words to express how happy I am…wait I will try…it is “bitchin”.

7:00 – “Little Howard” is no longer camping. I must resist the temptation to self-gratify. That’s exactly what Satan wants of me today.

7:06 –Rise from bed, begin praying intensely for a good bowel movement. Not easy being 89 years old with a prostate the size of a softball.

7:17 – Struggle with the devil while he tries to keep me from my God-given right to poop.

7:19 to 7:44 – The struggle continues.

7:48 to 7:59 – Dress. Put on Anti-Satan underwear, “Jesus: Kickin Butt and Takin Names” undershirt and socks with little clips to make sure they stay up. God bless the man who invented those.

8:02 to 8:24 – Hearty breakfast of prunes, Super All Bran cereal and half gallon of Fibercon. I need all the help I can get. I refuse to show up to the gates of heaven with pooped pants.

8:28 – Bend down to get newspaper from lawn, hear sharp crack. Now lying on my face, butt in the air and in extreme pain.

9:44 – Finally!…mangy mongrel of a pet dog leads my wife to my side. She helps me up but not before pointing out that neighborhood kids have taped a sign to my behind that says “ One Penis At a Time, Please”. I will pray for the little bastards.

10:12 – Have taken some Doan’s back pills, another half gallon of Fibercon and am back to work. Time to re-check my numbers about today’s impending Rapture.

10:13 to 10:48 – Get bored with Bible stuff, making doodles of Jesus with a machine gun shooting communists.

10:49 – Back to the numbers. Ok. So… Jesus gets crucified in 33, lets say April 1, that sounds good, it’s around Easter…then we add in the number of days Noah was on the ark. So 33 plus 44, then we add that to Mary Magdalene’s measurements which as we all know from severe scrutinizing of that one painting (you know the one I mean, where you can see a little of her ankle, woo boy, I get a little flushed just thinking about it). So 36 x 24 x 34, which when multiplied together give us….um… wait 29,453 AD. Shit… I’ll be long dead by then so let’s divide that by the standard lunar month of 29.53 days and of course we have to add in the number of pieces of silver Judas received and then multiply it by the number of times I received really good Christmas gifts I wanted instead of crap my wife gave me and then add in the number of times I had a really good Denver Omelet and then round that down a bit to 2,011. Whew…now for the day. May is a nice month but I have tickets to the movies on Friday the 20th and then I have the dentist appointment on Monday the 23rd…ok let’s go with May 21.

11:45 – Time for a quick prayer and then down to Minnie’s for lunch.

12:02 to 12:51 – Lunch. I had the Tuna Salad on toast and the deviled eggs. I prayed over the eggs first.

1:27 – Back at the office. Thought I should try some things I normally wouldn't have experienced in this sinful life. Purchased some marijuana from the gentleman across the street, he said “Padre, you’re gonna love it, I even put a little extra sumthin' sumthin' in there for ya”. First puff….seems rather pleasant.

1:29 – SHIT! , MAN I shoulda been smoking this stuff ALL THE TIME! Why didn’t people tell me about this. It’s all clear to me now! I am not here. My body is lying in a lab somewhere but my brain man, my brain is floating in a tank filled with grape Kool-Aid and it's so freakin cool and it's so freakin cool and it's so freakin cool and it's so…whoa I seem to be…wait are those my fingers?…how did I get so many? JESUS I AM COMING TO YOU IN A DIAPER AND WITH MY OWN CROWN SO I WONT HAVE TO BORROW YOURS! HAHAhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….

3:49 - Woke up in the town fountain in my underwear. They are soiled, I guess the marijuana succeeded where the Fibercon failed. Police brought me home. I am ok now.

4:08 – Had some tea with my wife Shirley. Thought it was time to say something I have held in my heart all these years. I told her that her noodle casserole tastes like a sneaker buried in a filthy, mosquito infested swamp for 5 years, although eating the sneaker has a better chance of not causing me severe intestinal cramping.

4:09: -Wife told me to and I quote “cram it in my scabby ol’ ass”.

4:19 – Continuing my studies. Listening to “Back in Black by AC/DC. I don’t think I’ve ever tapped my shoe that fast. Must take some time to slow my heart rate.

4:29 – Watching pornography….Sweet Merciful Jesus…I am horrified….how did I miss out on this?

4:41 – Pondering how wonderful and powerful the Lord is…also how wonderful naked breasts are.

4:43 - Watching pornography

4:49 - pornography

4:53 – Writing some goodbye notes to the heathens I know. But I keep getting distracted by pornography, that tool of Satan himself. When I look back I have written the words “titties” fifty-two times.

4:58 – Shot of absinthe. Also a jigger of vermouth and three small bottles of gin I found in Shirley’s nightstand.

5:07 - porno

5:15 - porn

5:26 – While searching for my favorite tie clip, I found 2 cases of Jim Beam, a few almost empty fifths of vodka and another 3 dozen mini bottles. Why does my wife drink so much?

5:39 – Watching some TV. Something called Jersey Shore. A small dreadfully ugly, half-naked troll-like creature is drunk and hollering. I am now convinced that the world must end today.

5:58 – Almost there. Im watching TV and waiting. I wonder how it will happen. Do I just get sucked up into the sky? Wont that ruin the roof? And what about my hair, I don’t want Jesus to see me with my hair mussed.

5:59 – Goodbye old world, I leave the heathens and evil doers behind and go to a better place, a place with no sex, or booze, no TV or internet, no food or cigarettes…uh…hmmm…oh boy. I may not have thought this through.

6:00 – No Earthquake, this is odd.

6:01 – porn

6:03 –Still no earthquake. I may have to recheck my math.

6:10 – It isn’t like God to be late.

6:19 – Note, prepare statement for Sunday morning. Say something like “I’m flabbergasted”.

6:34 – Salisbury Steak Hungryman Frozen dinners with Shirley…watching reruns of Hee Haw.

6:51 - I wonder if Shirley knows about porn?

Are we there yet?

NASCAR …will someone please explain it to me? I, like most marginally educated people cant seem to get behind this alleged sport. I get it... the cars go fast in a circle, everyone prays for the cars to crash and somehow it’s impressive when someone wins.

But I'm not sure why.

I’ve always thought that the way to tell if a sport was interesting is to take away any of the conventional things we do when we watch sports. That is, if you can watch a football game without snacks, drinks or even commercials to break up the game, would you still enjoy it?

If the answer is yes, then you have something worth watching.

If you take away the crashes, hotdogs, backwards baseball caps, flannel cut off shirts, beer and girls in bikini tops who should not be wearing them… what person still in possession of a working brain would watch this crap?

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! At the Podunk Witherford Arena in downtown PigStrunk Arkansas, next to the Bi-Lo and cross the road from the Piggly-Wiggly!…We present the Pigstrunk 500. That’s right!... 500 laps of mind-numbingly stupid people racing around in circles. Half as much fun as watching paint dry and twice as much fun as watching grass grow!… Come down early and get an autograph from Sheila Mae Whitten, the girl who almost got into Hustler!

Bobby Joe Jimmy, Dale Schmuckhead Jr, Doofus, J Wilis and more all competing for a $100 gift card to Rich’s Department Store! Down on I-77! Near that place what has Reverend Pilson doing the snake handlin’!

And speaking of faith...witness and testify as Billy Ray Whitburn tries to take back the title from his arch eneny, Number 58, Stevie Joe Stevens. Lord… there is no love lost between these two...course that hasn’t stopped em from sharing the same woman for the past 9 years. Woo Doogie!

And make sure you bring your swimming suits cause half way thru the race (that’s at 250 laps for you high school dropouts) we gonna fill the center field with water and make a giant mud pit for sloshing around. Bring your own pig and get half off…bring your wife and get in free!

Tickets are on sale now! You’re gonna pay for the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge! And if you're anything like Edna Mae Tucker, you’re gonna need 2 seats!

VROOOOOOOM…VROOOOOMM!

One too many blows to the head...

These are some of the more stupid things said during a sports match...

“We’re just going to take it one game at a time.”

As opposed to building a time machine and traveling three weeks in the future, playing that game and then coming back to play the other two?

“They really brought their A game tonight”.

What are they doing on the other nights?

He knows what it takes to win.

I hope so, don’t all the players have to read and understand the rules before they get allowed onto the field?

“I’m the last one to make excuses.”

Doesn’t sound like it.

"He was robbed".
No, he wasn’t, he didn’t play well enough to win. Getting robbed is what happens on April 15 every year.

"It’s a battle of epic proportions".
No it isn’t, World War II was a battle of epic proportions, this is just a football game.

"These guys have nothing to be ashamed of"
Generally said at the end of a game when they lose…so yes they should be ashamed.

"They really ate our lunch".
Well while they were distracted doing that, you should have taken the ball and won the game.

"They cant afford to lose any more points".
Who can?

"These guys really came together as a team".
Isn’t that what they’re supposed to do?

"He zigged when he should have zagged".
No, he lost when he should have won.

"These guys have a lot of depth".
Nope, they don’t, if they did they wouldn’t be athletes, they would be out there trying to find a cure for the common cold.

“We know what we gotta do; we just gotta go out there and do it.”
That’s like saying I have to inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale…inhale…

"They’re trying to milk the clock".
This is wrong on many levels the least of which is the freaky image it calls to mind.

"These teams are well matched".
Well that’s good, if its one thing I don’t want to see, it’s a team of 320lb no-neck glandular cases playing football against a dozen 88-year old arthritic widows.

“We’re going to get things turned around.”
Translation: We are currently losing so we will try to win instead.

"These guys are a real class act".
Wrong again, Dame Judi Dench is a class act, you guys are a bunch of sweaty, steroid cases, crashing into each other’s heads.

"We came to play".

No kidding.

"We came to win".

Did anyone come just to lose?

"That player was heroic".
No that is simply wrong. Someone rushing into a burning building is heroic, someone jumping into a frozen lake to save a drowning victim is heroic. Running with a ball is not heroic.

"He has lightning-fast reflexes".
He’s an athlete, I would hope so, what sport rewards moving or acting slowly? And don’t say Golf. Golf isnt a sport, it’s a good long walk ruined.

"He has unlimited potential".
So does everyone, that’s like saying “he can pee twice a day”.

And lastly… stop thanking God and Jesus for your wins, not only does it take away from what the rest of the team actually did, it implies that a deity is actually interested in altering the course of a fuckin sports event.

Watch the closing doors...

I ride the subway every day, twice a day. It’s a fascinating microcosm all its own…. or maybe its just two dozen lunatics hurtling through the steaming, fetid, inky, blackness inside a filthy, poorly-lit metal tube.

Yeah…that sounds right. The group of people you see every day, your fellow travelers, define the train experience in many ways. Sometimes I wonder what they’re thinking…

The math teacher thinks “an average of 21 people per car multiplied by 9 cars minus the conductor and the motorman…

The homeless guy thinks “what the fuck are all these people doing in my living room”!

The graphic designer thinks “I hate the MTA logo, looks like fist pushing into an anus”.

The construction worker thinks “I wonder if these people know that underneath this strong powerful exterior is a quiet shy boy wearing his mother’s panties”?

The priest thinks “I wish all these heathens would get smited on their way to work”.

The rabbi thinks “I wish G-d would smite this priest next to me”.

The businessman thinks “one day all of these idiots will be working for me”.

The hooker thinks “there is not one person in this subway car that I would fuck”.

The college student thinks “$94,000 in tuition bills, Im gonna be in debt until Im dead”.

The busker thinks “I wonder if now is a good time to practice my all-accordion version of Beat It”?

The bum thinks “I wonder if I should take it out of my pants and beat it”?

The busboy thinks “Today Im just washing the dishes but tomorrow…um...uh..I’ll probably still be washing the dishes”.

The engineer thinks “these tunnel walls could collapse at any minute”.

The terrorist thinks “I could collapse these tunnel walls in under a minute”.

The nurse thinks “good thing I wore by scrubs to work, there no telling what sort of drug-resistant, super virus I can bring into the OR today from this subway seat”.

The conductor thinks “11 more years of this crazy shit and then I retire”.

The chef thinks “that’s it! sushi rolls made up in the shape of a subway car and Ill use bad fish to simulate the smell down here. Im a genius!”

The fanboy thinks “this is exactly like issue 478 of Superman where Jimmy Olsen is tied to the front of the train while it zooms deeper and deeper into the very bowels of the earth…. Heh, heh…bowels”.

The freegan thinks “Im helping the environment by using mass transit, also I eat out of the dumpster behind Whole Foods… Mother Earth loves me”.

The crazy guy thinks “hoopee de doo doo! Buggle buggle bedoobeeeeeee”! But he says it out loud.

Section IV of the manual clearly states...

Acme Widgets Inc. is committed to maintaining a work environment that is free of discrimination, including harassment, based on sex, race, original home planet, mental disorder, color, pattern, hat size, hair style (unless you still have a mullet or your hair looks like Justin Beiber's) fetish, religion, creed (whatever that means), national origin, ancestry, (unless you're Sicilian), citizenship status, marital status, pregnancy (unless you're pregnant), age, veteran status, disability, sexual orientation (unless you're into that whole salamander thing), political standing (unless you think Sarah Palin is a viable candidate for anything other than a career in MILF porn). Or other protected categories under federal, state or local law.

In keeping with this commitment, we will not tolerate discrimination by any Acme Widgets Inc. supervisor. However the boss and board of directors may do whatever the hell they want, even Mr. Woodrow who has that thing about the salamanders. Nor will we tolerate harassment of our employees by anyone, including any Acme Widgets Inc. employee, coworker, vendor, or customer. Unless of course that vendor is giving us boatloads of cash, then we will sell you out faster than a pimp on Saturday night.

With this policy, Acme Widgets Inc. prohibits not only unlawful harassment, but also other unprofessional and discourteous actions.

Some examples are:

1. You may not slap a co-worker on the ass and say "Must Be Jam, cause Jelly don't shake like that"

2. You may not place your hands underneath a co-workers boobs and say "Hmmm…the right one does feel a little heavier".

3. No sneaking into the conference room to play Mr. Woodrow, King of the Salamanders. Unless of course Mr. Woodrow suggests it.

4. You may not say "Well, that's not how we do things in this country".

Harassment prohibited by this policy includes verbal, visual or physical conduct that denigrates or shows hostility or aversion toward any individual. Harassing conduct includes, but is not limited to, the following:

1. Epithets. Unless they are on your shoulders….wait, no... those are epaulets. Well, it's 2011 you shouldn't wear those anyway.

2. Slurs. unless you have been drinking, then its understood if your speech is slurred.

3. Negative stereotyping. Unless a majority of the people around you believe as you do, then say whatever you want, you have a lot of witnesses.

4. Threatening, intimidating or hostile acts. Do not say things like "if you say that one more time, you are gonna spend the rest of the afternoon lookin for your teeth".

Or "How tall are you, I wanna make sure the bodybag fits". You may not take out your wang and wave it at your co-workers while shouting "Woo Hoo"! You can however, use the more accepted "Tally Ho"!

5. Written or graphic materials that shows hostility toward an individual or group that is placed anywhere in the workplace. You may also not spend your own money to purchase magnetic letters and then use them to spell out rude sayings such as "Working here is Asstacular" or the always popular "Who Farted"? You must find more clever ways to write rude things, such as using the phrase "ball peen hammer". Note: If you are of Chinese ancestry, you may feel free to spell things like "Would you like to see my Wang"?

Sexual harassment deserves special attention. Doesn't it always? While difficult to define, sexual harassment may include but is not limited to unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors and other physical, verbal or visual conduct based on gender and...

1. Submission to the conduct is an explicit condition of employment. As in, "Wanda, if you show me your spectacular breasts, I will have no choice but to give you a tremendous raise".

2. Submission to or rejection of the conduct is used as the basis for an employment decision. As in, "Marcus if you continue showing your totem pole to your female co-workers, I will have no choice but to warn you again". Note: The use here of "totem pole" can be construed as harassment of Native Americans. Although I don't think they even like being called Native Americans anymore, let's just call them what they are, people who were here first and doing well until Europeans came over, gave them disease, shot at them and then threw them off their own land but then let them have casinos instead.

3. Conduct has the effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual's work performance. As in, you may not juggle Phil's "yambag" while he is giving a PowerPoint presentation.

Sexual harassment includes many forms of offensive behavior. Examples of conduct which may constitute sexual harassment include, but are not limited to:

1. Unwanted sexual advances unless they seem to know what they are doing, being clumsy is no way to start any relationship.

2. Threatening reprisals after a negative response to sexual advances. For example if the sex isn't great with Bradley in accounting, you may not send out an all staff email telling everyone "that he couldn't find your hoohah and basically screwed the bunched up sheets on the bed for 5 minutes before shouting "Boom goes the dynamite"! and then falling asleep.

3. Visual conduct such as sexual gestures or the displaying of sexually explicit or suggestive objects, pictures or cartoons. That includes the comic where the two Canadian squirrels are pretending to do a log-roll with the purple vibrator over Niagara Falls.

4. Written abuse. That means no letters or emails that start with "Dear Titty Monster", or address another co-worker as "Emperor TooLong Johnson", no matter how well endowed he may be.

We also want to stress our commitment to comply with federal, state and local laws. Because let's be honest, if we don't…we'll have lawsuits piling up like Sicilians at a free cannoli giveaway.

Everyone shares responsibility for avoiding discrimination and harassment. If you feel that you have experienced or witnessed harassment or discrimination, you must immediately notify the Director of Resources, who by the way is the person who once said "that's not how we do things in this country". So good luck with that.

Remember, Acme Widgets Inc. cares about you…well…not in a motherly way… more in the "do you think you could get naked and lay down on this couch"? kind of way.

And that's what we're all about here at Acme Widgets Inc.

My wife...I think I'll keep her...

Recently I had been reading about long term relationships vs. marriages and it occurred to me how much things had changed. It brought to mind the passed-around email that reprinted some suggestions from Helen B. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, published in 1965.

Most of it just seemed downright silly in today's world, I don’t see how you could maintain a household in this manner today. It doesn’t seem feasible, not to mention it gives girls the wrong idea about their place/role in society as they grow up.

So like many people who write for fun, I thought I would take a stab at translating the list myself. My translations are in red…

GET YOUR WORK DONE

Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.

Did you re-shingle the roof and tar the driveway like you were told? Jesus Christ, it’s ten to six! Get the hell in the shower and scrub your ass till it shines. The last thing a man needs to see is his wife looking like a coal miner.

HAVE DINNER READY

Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Make sure the food is hot and on the table the second he sits his sweaty ass down. Rub your boobs on his head while he eats, dab at the corners of his mouth so he doesn’t waste energy cleaning up after himself, don’t wear a skirt or dress to dinner, there’s nothing a man likes better than eating meatloaf except for eating meatloaf while staring at your hoohah.

PREPARE YOURSELF

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Remember it’s your responsibility to look hot no matter what disaster you’ve dealt with today. If you cant be completely naked, at least have the decency to wear some sort of lingerie that’s so small it could fit in a thimble with room to spare. Topple around on a pair of 8” Lucite heels. Men love that. It’s like living with a drunk Barbie doll. He’s been dealing with chain smoking, cold-coffee guzzling assholes all day, the least you can do is look nice for him. Fix your hair, pull the thong out of your asscheeks and slather on enough lipstick to cover an oil tankers hull. Be gay…I mean really gay, try to have another woman nuzzling your breasts when he comes through the door. If that doesn’t make him happy…then he’s the one who is gay.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.

Get out a checklist, wander the house room by room and see what disasters the fucking kids have wrought today. Toilet clogged with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle heads? Check. Melted crayon and dog hair all over the stove? Check. Child’s feces splashed on wall near crib? Check. I don’t think a dustcloth and bucket are gonna be any help here. What you really need is access to a flamethrower and possibly some pharmaceutical grade heroin. Since both items are lacking in your house, start thinking of ways to get everything in order before the master graces you with his presence. Be creative. Close the toilet lid, put a Out Of Order sign on it. Scrape the crayon/doghair onto a paper plate, toss some sparkles on it and tell your husband that Little Emily made it in art class today. Poop on the wall? No problem. Tack up that poster of a half-naked Jennifer Lopez your husband keeps in the garage.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN

Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.

This is a little trickier as children are generally in a constant state of filthiness. Hands and faces aren’t gonna cut it here, you need to drag em out into the yard, tie them to a stake and hose them down like livestock. Treat them as you would a dog that has been rolling in a deceased raccoon’s entrails. Burn their clothes and re-dress them. If you can get a comb thru Little Emily’s hair, good for you. You'll obviously have to shave all of Little Timmy’s hair off since there is simply no easy way to remove all that gum. Remember, your husbands attitude here is children are little treasures and like every pirate recommends, you should bury them.

MINIMIZE ALL NOISE

Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.

Keep the damn noise down! Turn off all appliances, televisions, personal neck massagers and hi-fi stereos (if in fact those still exist). Tell the kids that they must be silent for the rest of the evening. Warn them they will be locked in the crawlspace with “The EyeBall Plucker” if they don’t comply. You should keep quiet as well, don’t bring up any topics that may upset him. Avoid conversations staring with the words “I need”, or “I think”. Don’t discuss politics, gas prices, whether Pluto is in fact a planet or not, crop yields in Arkansas, movies, weather, music, brown eggs vs. white eggs, Wal-Mart, sports, personal neck massagers, or the outside world in general.

BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM

Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.

When he comes thru the door you should be grinning like an escaped mental patient who somehow obtained access to huge quantities of Valium. Have an already lit joint ready, a 40 of OE 800 is a nice touch. Throw a few dollars at the kids and tell them to go get some candy. Give your man a hummer while he gets his drink on.

Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening.

Men are timid creatures, easily frightened by big noises and looking at lady parts up close. Try not to make it worse for him by telling him the mailman accidentally ripped his latest issue of Philatelic Enthusiasts Monthly.

Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.

He may have a good reason to be late, like maybe he was trying to pick up the slow girl at Stop n Shop or maybe the guys wanted to go out to Titays! The local gentleman’s club. Either way… zip your lip.

Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.

Why should he have to spend time with his kids? Allow him to dodge parenting like Lindsay Lohan dodges jail time. Also, the children should be at attention and saluting at all times.

LISTEN TO HIM

You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.

Listen to him, he is a man. He has lots to say about nothing in particular. Sooner or later he will run out of breath.

THE GOAL

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.

You’ve got to make it work, as the woman, it’s all on you. Otherwise, why would he want to come home to a disheveled home, a pair of screaming dirty children and a wife who is probably diddling the plumber twice a week when he could stay out gallivanting across town committing acts of wanton vulgarity with women and men alike, indiscriminately urinating in alleys and betting on bum fights.

MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE

Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.

Sneak into the room quietly, tie his shoes together so he cant run. In a soothing, pleasant voice, whisper the words “this is how the world ends”…place a fluffy pillow over his face and press down. Between the weed, alcohol and the extra weight provided by the kids, he should be dead in a few minutes.