Mr. and Mrs; Slowdunker, attached is your wedding program event schedule, with comments. Please take a few moments to review and let us know if you have any questions. We want to ensure that you and your loved ones make memories that will be forever lodged in your brain like a six-inch rusty nail in an old tractor tire.
On behalf of myself, the esteemed Richard "Dick" Roger Turgid Johnson Jr. and the almost-capable staff here at WillowGreen, we know we will make your daughter's wedding day a special one.
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Programme - Saturday, July 4, 2009 - Rain or Shine
Location: The WillowGreen Pines and Discount Golf Resort Phase IV.
Location Description: Phase IV is located on three and a half acres of semi-manicured property…"semi" on account of that big dead patch of grass near the groundhog den. And mind the electric fence, Milo touched that a year ago and he still can't pee without shaking.
Groom: Horace Earnhardt Terwilliger III, if we get him out of the drunk tank on time.
Bride: Mylene Suzanne Slowdunker.
Wedding Party
Officiate: The Extremely Reverend and oh so Honorable Thaddeus T. Bookman III.
Maid of Honor: Hillary, The last unwed girlfriend.
Best Man: Well, the bride didn't think he was "the best", if you catch my drift. Thats why she's marrying the other dude.
Readers: Troy "Tonka" Perkins will recite from memory the Lord's Prayer as best he can remember it so be ready for five full minutes of stuttering and a bunch of accidental cursing. Please remember, Troy needs to be cuffed to Officer Thompson throughout the reading...Warden Jeffries' orders.
Procession Order -
Groomsmen: Heavy James and Rollo
Junior Usher: Little Rollo
Backup Usher: Billy from down at the bait shop
Usher who can't handle the pressure: Kyle
Ring Bearer who drops the rings: Kyle's little brother Kevin
Flower Girl who throws all the flowers at the start and has nothing left by the time she reaches the altar: Sophie
Parents of Bride: Arthur and Janet
Parents of Groom: Guillermo and Alma
Girlfriend of the Extremely Reverend Thaddeus T. Bookman III: Mistique
Music:
Original Steve and his Authentic Pre-1985 SuperBass Quad-Speaker / Dual Woofer Boombox. Feel free to have the guests bring their own mix-tapes.
Bible:
By God
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Schedule
9:00 Tent goes up, chairs go out and we chase the really aggressive squirrels out of the trees.
9:30 Beer fountain gets setup, Milo will mix together one 50 gallon drum of pecans and one 50 gallon drum of regular peanuts, that there's your appetizer.
9:45 Mosquito spraying, Milo please remember to cover the mixed nuts.
10:00 Placement of the Nascar 2007 Winner Circle Banner. A moment of silence for American Hero Dale Earnhardt.
10:15: Remove screw tops from wine to let them get some air, set out Solo cups and napkins.
10:30: BBQ Pit set up on the wedding grounds, all food items including wedding cake to be slathered in Willowgreens famous homemade "It's So Damn Good, Make You Slap Yo Momma" Mustard Sauce.
10:45: Drinks, chatting with the guests and wandering the Phase IV grounds. Again, mind the electric fence.
11:00: Last chance to take a whiz before the ceremony.
11:15: Guests are shown to their seats, please stay to the left if you are on the bride's side, on the right if on the groom's side and just stand near the back if you came to see if Horace and Mylene go through with this whole mess.
11:30: 15 minute warning, last chance to pull out. I'm sure Mylene wishes she had that warning 8 1/2 months ago.
11:45 Ceremony begins. Procession walks down to a medley of AC/DC's Back in Black, Testament's Practice What you Preach, Suicidal Tendencies Trip at the Brain and Handel's Messiah.
12:00 Recession: Emma Louise will lead the guests in singing Dance All Over Your Face by KISS.
12:05: Chase the squirrels and crows out of the onion dip, tap the kegs and strap on the feedbags!
3:15: Clear out…we got Old Man Fooberman's Funeral at 3:30. As Jesus said after the Last Supper, "You don't gotta go home but you gotta get the hell outta here".*
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* The Bible, Page 861 - Uripadees Upayfordees - Chapter 3 and 4 -Verses 2 thru 9.
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