I've tried to understand Cheerleaders... I mean I didn't give them much thought before I had a daughter. But now its come up and it takes me back to my college days… you know back when I was matriculating with Calvin Coolidge.
We used to ride our comically large wheeled bikes and try and glimpse a bare ankle or two on the way to our Economics of the New Deal class...
OK, so I'm not that old…anyway…
At the University of South Carolina (motto deleted for decency's sake), I learned just how shallow and demented people can be about this so called "sport". First lets get that out of the way, I do not doubt it takes a long time and dedication to train to do the physical part, the acrobatics are clearly difficult.
However, I always questioned this idea that somehow the cheerleaders and their lesser weenies, the pep squad have any bearing whatsoever on the sport being played.
I'm reasonably certain and I encourage someone to prove me wrong, (if only to help me sleep at night) that nothing even remotely close to the following conversation has ever taken place anywhere on the planet in the history of forever…
Saturday night 8:48pm
USC is losing to its arch rival Clemson University: 14 to 44.
There are 13 seconds left in the game.
The team is despondent, they are losing again! There seems to be no way to turn this around.
Quarterback calls a huddle: "Guys, I gotta be honest, I don't have a way through here. Lets just run the clock out".
Head Cheerleader overhears this and runs (bounds like a gazelle) over to the huddle.
She speaks in a overly peppy tone that wouldn't be out of place in a mental institution and she wears a grin that is the whole reason that Batman stills hunts in Gotham…
"Don't worry, guys! We are going to do the best cheer you have ever heard! And you guys will be so inspired that you'll be able to win this game even though the time left on the clock is barely long enough to measure a frog's fart"!
Quarterback: "Guys, she's right! We don't need tactics or skill or performance, we have a group of loud imbeciles who will chant poorly made-up rhymes. That's how we're gonna win"!
The Cheerleaders run out to the edge of the field and form into some sort of elaborate shape.
This is their moment, what they've been training for for months and months, they have endured ridicule at the hands of the smarter and more productive students but now its their time to shine.
Head Cheerleader: "Ready guys! Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who-BWAAAAAAAAAMMMMP"!
And the clock runs out.
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