Jury Doody...

How to get out of Jury Duty...

Tell them you don't trust any other races except your own, as a follow up, tell the Judge you were racist before people started using it as an excuse to get out of Jury Duty.

Wear a dirty sweat sock on your right hand, draw a crooked mouth on it with some stolen lipstick…speak only thru him.

Speak in the Third Person, as in" Dave believes in the death penalty for every crime including jaywalking". And if things get out of hand... "Please do not Tase Dave".

Remove your pants, when the judge asks you to stand to take the oath, rise and shriek: "these aren't my pajamas"!

Wear a stuffed parrot on your shoulder, whenever anyone asks you a question, speak like the parrot, for example, "Your Honor, I exercise my 5th Amendment right to not incriminate myself, Awwkk"!

When asked if you can read and write the English language, reply "Yes, but I do not recognize the word "and".

Walk in with a small briefcase handcuffed to your wrist. When asked to open it, tell them it's vitally important that they not reveal what they see to anyone in the Jury Pool. The briefcase should contain a single tangerine.

Speak in a Narrative Tone, no matter whether you are being addressed or not: "The surly yet sharply dressed prosecutor walked over to me and he asked for my name. A single saliva bubble rested upon his bottom lip…I so wished for it to pop. The room smelled like leather briefcases and hobo urine… My name is T.R. Higgenbottom the Third" I whispered".

If they ask if you have any mental disability that would prevent you from serving, say: "Well, clearly I'm not smart enough to get out of Jury Duty".

When asked if you have been convicted of an offense, reply" Yes I am guilty of Love in the Third Degree", then look at a fellow female juror and wink.

When the judge says, this trial is expected to last 2 weeks, is there anything about the length of trial that will interfere with your ability to serve: You say, I am trying to catch up on all the episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and this case will really put me behind on that."

When asked if you have a medical issue that would prevent you from serving on the jury, you say "That depends, can I smoke a blunt or 2 during the day or do I have to wait for the designated smoking break"?

When asked if you have a special request to help you in participating as a fair juror, you say "I insist that all court officers speak in the language made famous by the Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show".

When asked if you know either of the lawyers? I wouldn't say I "know" the prosecutor but he did ask me for a "reach around" in the parking lot of a Denny's in Long Island once".

When asked if you know any of the potential witnesses? "I do not know Fat Tony who is sitting right there". (wink at Fat Tony).

Have you ever filed a lawsuit of any kind? Yes, I once sued Denny's because a dude asked me for a "reach around" in their parking lot in Long Island.

Has anyone ever filed a claim or a lawsuit against you? My Fat Aunt Peppina once said (after too much home-made wine) "I getta da Jooge to trow you inna da peenatentary". She was mad when I said I preferred my Nonna's sauce to hers. Does that count?

Can you accept the law as explained by the court regardless of your personal beliefs? I would like it if the bailiff explained the whole judicial process to me using Legos and pre-1981 Star Wars action figures.

Do you know anyone else in the jury box? The only person I know is Sheila, over there, on account of I have "put the shoes to her" every Friday night for like the past 2 years.