How can I hinder you today?

Hello and thank you for calling Amalgamated Ventilated Matriculated Inc., a wholly-owned subsidiary of DestructoCorp Defense Contractors, a division of Wal-Mart.

Para Espanol, marke numero ocho.
For Klingon or Vulcan, please hang up and continue living in your parents basement.

Your call is important to us and we may even let you speak to a real live person from this side of the planet but in order to do so please choose from the following 5 choices.

If you would like to place an order, Press 1.

If you want to check on the status of an order, Press 2.

If you are one of the unlucky few who purchased the "My First Atomic Death Engine" for your child, please hang up and begin typing up your Last Will + Testament.

If you are an unstoppable death machine cyborg from the year 2029, please hang up and dial 218.561.9816 and ask for John Connor.

If you would like to speak to a Customer Service Representative, Press 3.

You pressed 3.

CS: "Amalgamated Ventilated Matriculated Inc., this is Cathy. I hope to provide you outstanding service today because I am very sad and unskilled and this is the only job I could get so please don't hang up, I need to buy groceries this week, there's only so much cat food a human being can eat. How may I help you"?

Me: "uh…ummm, ok. My name is David Marchisotto and I recently purchased one of your toasters and it has, well I guess it's a manufacturing defect, there is no cord to plug it in. I would like to arrange for a replacement."

CS: "I see, Mr. Mooskatoon…I'm extremely distressed to hear of this issue and I desperately want to help you. Please bear with me while I research this problem". CLICK.

27 minutes on hold, listening to My Humps, by The Black Eyed Peas.

CS: "Mr Moolkisondo, I'm sorry but I don't handle returns on DVD Players so I'm going to have to transfer you".

Me: "Wait, it's a toaster, not a…". CLICK.

13 minutes on hold…no music.

CS: "HELLO AND WELCOME TO DESTRUCTOCORP! YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY MAINFRAME, OUR ENDLESS ARMIES OF CYBORG DEATH MACHINES WILL BURN THIS WORLD TO ASH! This is Michael, how may I help you"?

Me: cleaning shit stain off my office chair…"I.. I … I have a broken toaster I would like to have replaced".

CS: "Hold one second, I have to transfer you to small electronics. And as always, we know you have no choice when it comes to the world being destroyed by an army of weaponized cyborgs and we thank you for bowing down before us". CLICK.

8 minutes of Christmas music? Then a click, sounds like a man screaming "Run!" then 3 minutes of I Heard it Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye.

CS: "Thank you for calling, how many I assist you today?

Me: Oh thank God, a real human. Listen I am trying to return a broken toaster and I thin…"

CS: "Wrong department…please hold". CLICK.

Me: "Nooooooooooo"! 

My humps, My humps, My humps My humps…My lovely little lumps, check it out….

CS: "Hello and welcome to AVM, how can I help you today"?

Me: Uhhhhh…I have a broken toaster I need to return it".

CS: "OK, lets just get some information from you and we can set up an RMA number".

Me: "Oh Jesus!…oh thank you so much"!

CS: "First, you will need to choose from one of the following choices. If completed correctly, I can issue the RMA".

Me: "OK, easy enough, what are the choices"?

CS: "Great... 1. you must engage in and win a rap-battle with 50-Cent or 2. You must build a half-scale replica of St.Patricks Cathedral out of toothpicks in less than 30 minutes or 3. you must complete the maze without being captured and eaten by The Minotaur".

Me: "Uh, is this a joke"?

CS: "Oh, Im afraid not, sir. We really don't like doing returns".

Me: "I'll take The Minotaur".