How can I hinder you today?

Hello and thank you for calling Amalgamated Ventilated Matriculated Inc., a wholly-owned subsidiary of DestructoCorp Defense Contractors, a division of Wal-Mart.

Para Espanol, marke numero ocho.
For Klingon or Vulcan, please hang up and continue living in your parents basement.

Your call is important to us and we may even let you speak to a real live person from this side of the planet but in order to do so please choose from the following 5 choices.

If you would like to place an order, Press 1.

If you want to check on the status of an order, Press 2.

If you are one of the unlucky few who purchased the "My First Atomic Death Engine" for your child, please hang up and begin typing up your Last Will + Testament.

If you are an unstoppable death machine cyborg from the year 2029, please hang up and dial 218.561.9816 and ask for John Connor.

If you would like to speak to a Customer Service Representative, Press 3.

You pressed 3.

CS: "Amalgamated Ventilated Matriculated Inc., this is Cathy. I hope to provide you outstanding service today because I am very sad and unskilled and this is the only job I could get so please don't hang up, I need to buy groceries this week, there's only so much cat food a human being can eat. How may I help you"?

Me: "uh…ummm, ok. My name is David Marchisotto and I recently purchased one of your toasters and it has, well I guess it's a manufacturing defect, there is no cord to plug it in. I would like to arrange for a replacement."

CS: "I see, Mr. Mooskatoon…I'm extremely distressed to hear of this issue and I desperately want to help you. Please bear with me while I research this problem". CLICK.

27 minutes on hold, listening to My Humps, by The Black Eyed Peas.

CS: "Mr Moolkisondo, I'm sorry but I don't handle returns on DVD Players so I'm going to have to transfer you".

Me: "Wait, it's a toaster, not a…". CLICK.

13 minutes on hold…no music.

CS: "HELLO AND WELCOME TO DESTRUCTOCORP! YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY MAINFRAME, OUR ENDLESS ARMIES OF CYBORG DEATH MACHINES WILL BURN THIS WORLD TO ASH! This is Michael, how may I help you"?

Me: cleaning shit stain off my office chair…"I.. I … I have a broken toaster I would like to have replaced".

CS: "Hold one second, I have to transfer you to small electronics. And as always, we know you have no choice when it comes to the world being destroyed by an army of weaponized cyborgs and we thank you for bowing down before us". CLICK.

8 minutes of Christmas music? Then a click, sounds like a man screaming "Run!" then 3 minutes of I Heard it Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye.

CS: "Thank you for calling, how many I assist you today?

Me: Oh thank God, a real human. Listen I am trying to return a broken toaster and I thin…"

CS: "Wrong department…please hold". CLICK.

Me: "Nooooooooooo"! 

My humps, My humps, My humps My humps…My lovely little lumps, check it out….

CS: "Hello and welcome to AVM, how can I help you today"?

Me: Uhhhhh…I have a broken toaster I need to return it".

CS: "OK, lets just get some information from you and we can set up an RMA number".

Me: "Oh Jesus!…oh thank you so much"!

CS: "First, you will need to choose from one of the following choices. If completed correctly, I can issue the RMA".

Me: "OK, easy enough, what are the choices"?

CS: "Great... 1. you must engage in and win a rap-battle with 50-Cent or 2. You must build a half-scale replica of St.Patricks Cathedral out of toothpicks in less than 30 minutes or 3. you must complete the maze without being captured and eaten by The Minotaur".

Me: "Uh, is this a joke"?

CS: "Oh, Im afraid not, sir. We really don't like doing returns".

Me: "I'll take The Minotaur".

I'll stick with my lottery tickets, thank you...

Always be careful exactly how you word your wishes because we have a friend who is knee-deep in cats right now…

...take a minute, you'll get it.

PLEASE READ…ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!!!!

This message has been sent to you for good luck. The original is in a filthy sealed trunk in the attic of a woman in Erie, Pennsylvania who forgot it was there.  It has been sent around the world 67 times. The luck has now been sent to you whether you like it or not. You will receive good luck within four days of receiving this message, 5 days if you live in a trailer park. You must send it on to people you know and in doing so prove them right when they secretly think you have a small brain.

   

THIS IS NO JOKE!

Send copies to people you think need good luck. Don't send money as fate has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your hands in 96 hours.

A mechanic in Ohio received $470,000 Dollars but the police made him return it to the bank he stole it from.

In the Philippines, Gordon Weiss lost his wife 51 days after receiving the message. He failed to circulate the message. He then received Seven million dollars. So it sucks to be Mrs. Weiss, I guess.

   

Please send twenty copies and see what happen in four days. The chain comes from Venezuela and has written by Ernst DeSouza, a Missionary from Tupelo Mississippi. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to friends and associates - After a few days you will get a surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious….

Ivan D. Grossman was sure surprised when he came home early and found the cable guy "puttin' the shoes to his wife".

Earl Grubb received this chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later his secretary won a lottery of two million dollars. A few days later the secretary was dead and Earl had a new boat.

Dwayne Merkin, an office employee, received the message and forgot that it had to leave his hands in 96 hours. He lost his job, his dog, a whole bunch of vintage Playboys he was saving and his car got 3 flat tires on the same day. Later, after finding that message again, He mailed twenty copies. A few days later he found his dog.

Martin Fairchild received the message, realized it was a bunch or crap and threw it away with his junk mail. Nine days later, nothing happened to him at all.

In 1988, the message washed up on the beach in California in an old Coke bottle, a young woman grabbed it and dropped it in the recycling can. 10 minutes later, she stubbed her big toe.

A filthy hobo found the message stuck to the lid of a trash can in Seattle. He saved his change for days and made 20 copies. He was struck by a bike messenger on his way out of Kinkos.

Sylvia Bergen received the letter in 1946, it was folded and faded. She promised herself that she would retype the message and send it on, But she set it aside to do it later. She was struck dead sixty-seven years later at the age of 98. 

Philip Rollins laughed and tossed the letter out, 2 days later he ended up with the "Swamp Squirts" something awful.

Esther McGuinness made 20 copies and sent them out immediately. The next day Jesus came down and took everyone to Heaven except her.

GOOD LUCK!

A Day with Google Glass…

So recently a firm in Toronto called Playground, Inc. created a video to show people what it would be like to use Google Glass. For those of you who don't know, Glass is kind of like a pair glasses that provides a heads-up display before your right eye that you interact with verbally.

So if you thought it was irritating before to watch people talking on their BlueTooth, this sets the Stupid Bar even higher.

I've gone thru the video scene by scene because if I don't get this out of my system, It's likely I'll murder someone at my office tomorrow.

The man in the video isn't named but let's call him Richard…cause he is kind of a Dick.
The woman we'll call Claire…cause I think that's a nice name.

One: Man riding bike, checking map and answering an email verbally.

Glass: Email from Scott: Lets change our meeting to 2pm".
Richard: "Ok Glass, reply: Sounds Good".
Glass: "Did you say, you Want Food"?
Richard: "No… sounds good".
Glass: "Did you say "Show Brown Dudes"? Immediately hundreds of naked african american men are being flashed on the display.
Richard: "No, wait! I said…" BAM!
Richard crashes into a mailbox headfirst.

Two: Claire ordering coffee

Claire: "One Americano, Please."
Barista: turns and makes coffee, hands it to her. "Whats on your face"?
Claire: Ignores him, takes coffee.
Glass: "Pay with Debit, Credit or add to enormous college debt account"?
Claire: "Debit".
Glass: "Debiting $882.00 from your checking account".
Claire: "Wait…no"!
Barista: "Thats what you get…idiot".

Three: Richard picks up a pair of headphones at Best Buy

Richard: Holds up the bar code…"Glass, scan now".
Glass: "AnalMaster 2000 Dildo…$23.99".
Richard: "Whoa…thats wrong….Glass, Scan now"
Glass: "Did you say Tan Cows"?
Richard: "No…SCAN NOW! SCAN NOW!
Glass: "Did you say Suzanne's Loud, Spans Brows"?
Richard: "NO, SCAN NOW"!
Glass: "Did you say Bedpan Luau"?
Richard: "ARRRGGHHH"!
Salesperson: "Hey! No screaming in the store"!

Four: Richard goes grocery shopping. Now I was kind of confused by this scene, Richard walks the aisles picking up items and saying out loud: "OK, Glass, Add to Cart." Why doesn't he just physically add the items to his cart? Is it that he wants everyone to know he is a tremendous Richard?

Richard: Gets quart of 2% milk: "Add to Cart".
Glass: "Really ? 2%?... what are you a Half a Mary?"
Richard: "Im lactose intolerant"!
Glass: "Whatever".
Richard: "IT'S TRUE"!!!
Manager: "Hey! No screaming in the store"!

Five: Claire hails a taxi

Claire: "Glass, Taxi to my current location".
Glass: Using Uber, hails a taxi.
Claire: "Glass, 267 Easton Street".
Glass: "Why are you telling me? the driver's 6 inches from your face".
Claire: Leans forward," and please make it quick".
Glass: "Yeah, you don't want to be late in cracking open a box of wine and entertaining strange men. Did you remember to wash your "One Cock at a Time T-Shirt"?
Claire: "Wait, what"?

Six: Claire at Escalator

Claire: "Ok, Glass, Open Fitness Program". A counter shows how many steps she has walked today, she opts to take the stairs over the escalator. At that moment and email comes in:
Doctor: "Just wanted you to know that the Herpes Test came back".
Claire: "Oh shit!, Glass, open phone and cal…." BAM BOOM CRASH!
Falls down whole flight of stairs.
Glass: "That still counts…76 steps".

Seven: Richard encounters an Emergency

Opens Door, Man lying on the floor: "Good One Dad, it's still your turn to make dinner".
Dad: "Hellllp..."
Richard: "Oh Shit!, OK Glass, Call 911"!
Glass: "Did you say Afro Cockpit! Cornball Sun"!
Richard: "Crap, NO! DIAL 911"!
Dad: "my heart…".
Glass: "Did you say I Fart"?
Richard: "911"!
Glass: Accessing your GoogleMusic Account…playing "911 is a Joke" by Public Enemy".
Richard: "ARRRGGGHHHH!!!"
Dad: moans "...no screaming in the living room".

The lesser known eighth dwarf...

Saturday Morning - Breakfast.

Sometimes Ava really surprises me with her jokes. Ava is showing me the small cut out planets she has drawn and colored. She tells me she knows what order they go in.

She lays them out and I start reading them off…

The Sun, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.
Then I decide to test her...

Me: And Pluto is not…"

Ava: …a planet".

Me: "And who lives on Pluto"?

Ava: "Grouchy".

Me: "Who the Hell is Grouchy"?

Ava: One of the dwarves".

Me: (really confused) "What?"

Ava: Pluto is a Dwarf Planet".

*rimshot*

Jury Doody...

How to get out of Jury Duty...

Tell them you don't trust any other races except your own, as a follow up, tell the Judge you were racist before people started using it as an excuse to get out of Jury Duty.

Wear a dirty sweat sock on your right hand, draw a crooked mouth on it with some stolen lipstick…speak only thru him.

Speak in the Third Person, as in" Dave believes in the death penalty for every crime including jaywalking". And if things get out of hand... "Please do not Tase Dave".

Remove your pants, when the judge asks you to stand to take the oath, rise and shriek: "these aren't my pajamas"!

Wear a stuffed parrot on your shoulder, whenever anyone asks you a question, speak like the parrot, for example, "Your Honor, I exercise my 5th Amendment right to not incriminate myself, Awwkk"!

When asked if you can read and write the English language, reply "Yes, but I do not recognize the word "and".

Walk in with a small briefcase handcuffed to your wrist. When asked to open it, tell them it's vitally important that they not reveal what they see to anyone in the Jury Pool. The briefcase should contain a single tangerine.

Speak in a Narrative Tone, no matter whether you are being addressed or not: "The surly yet sharply dressed prosecutor walked over to me and he asked for my name. A single saliva bubble rested upon his bottom lip…I so wished for it to pop. The room smelled like leather briefcases and hobo urine… My name is T.R. Higgenbottom the Third" I whispered".

If they ask if you have any mental disability that would prevent you from serving, say: "Well, clearly I'm not smart enough to get out of Jury Duty".

When asked if you have been convicted of an offense, reply" Yes I am guilty of Love in the Third Degree", then look at a fellow female juror and wink.

When the judge says, this trial is expected to last 2 weeks, is there anything about the length of trial that will interfere with your ability to serve: You say, I am trying to catch up on all the episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and this case will really put me behind on that."

When asked if you have a medical issue that would prevent you from serving on the jury, you say "That depends, can I smoke a blunt or 2 during the day or do I have to wait for the designated smoking break"?

When asked if you have a special request to help you in participating as a fair juror, you say "I insist that all court officers speak in the language made famous by the Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show".

When asked if you know either of the lawyers? I wouldn't say I "know" the prosecutor but he did ask me for a "reach around" in the parking lot of a Denny's in Long Island once".

When asked if you know any of the potential witnesses? "I do not know Fat Tony who is sitting right there". (wink at Fat Tony).

Have you ever filed a lawsuit of any kind? Yes, I once sued Denny's because a dude asked me for a "reach around" in their parking lot in Long Island.

Has anyone ever filed a claim or a lawsuit against you? My Fat Aunt Peppina once said (after too much home-made wine) "I getta da Jooge to trow you inna da peenatentary". She was mad when I said I preferred my Nonna's sauce to hers. Does that count?

Can you accept the law as explained by the court regardless of your personal beliefs? I would like it if the bailiff explained the whole judicial process to me using Legos and pre-1981 Star Wars action figures.

Do you know anyone else in the jury box? The only person I know is Sheila, over there, on account of I have "put the shoes to her" every Friday night for like the past 2 years.

Hindsight is 20/20...

Me: Im not charging you for lunch.

Her: Nonononononono I don’t want you to pay for my lunch!  I will increase my tab to $32. Thanks though, Dave, you are really a good woman – er, person.

Me: Nope you owe nothing but I'm only doing this because I harbor secret fantasies involving you, an unplugged hairdryer, some ramen noodles and a slightly used slinky.

Her: Metal slinky or plastic slinky?  Or one of those dogs with a slinky for a body?

Me: You, madam, are clearly a freak.

Her: I’M JUST CURIOUS.

Me: Yes…I can see that. That’s why Im afraid to turn my back to you.

Her: In my defense, uh… that’s probably a good call on your part. 

Me: Yeah, I figure... I'll hear the snap of a rubber glove, feel a sombrero thrown on my head and then you’ll toss a saddle on my back and I just don’t think Im ready for that level of commitment.

Her: Isn’t that just lunch at El Cantinero?

Me: That’s certainly what it feels like about a half hour after I eat there.

Toothpaste and Grapefruit Again...

More things I hate...

Hipsters... with their fake glasses, waxed mustaches, ironic headgear and of course the fact that they can't be bothered to bathe but still want to get into an elevator with me.

People whose earbuds bleed sound so badly I know exactly what and who 
they are listening to.

People who slow down as soon as they see me holding the door for them.

People who are adults and still use Velcro wallet.

Grown men who carry a keychain with 122 keys on their waist.

People who think owning a cat or dog is on the same level of responsibility as someone who has a child.

Men who suddenly stop in the streets of NY, place a finger on one nostril and then clear the other nostril onto the street and if its windy (and I'm lucky) onto themselves.

Men who chain their wallet to their pants.

Hipsters, of course.

People who say they don't read and for some demented reason are proud of it.

The Chicken Dance

People who clip their nails on the subway.

Donald Fuckin Trump

Donald Fuckin Trump's Hair

Women who assume they should go first into an elevator even though there are 4 other people ahead of them.

People… or worse recordings that thank me for my patience. You can't thank me for something I didn't offer.

Byron, Shelley or Keats...

I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I want on a woman is lumps or a hump.

This might be the dumbest song ever written…

"My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas

What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside your trunk?

I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,

My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,

I do it on the daily,

They treat me really nicely,

They buy me all these ices.

Dolce & Gabbana,

Fendi and that Donna

Karan, they be sharin'

All their money got me wearin' fly

Brother I ain't askin,

They say they love my ass ‘n,

Seven Jeans, True Religion's,

I say no, but they keep givin'

So I keep on takin'

And no I ain't taken

We can keep on datin'

I keep on demonstrating.

My love (love), my love, my love, my love (love)

You love my lady lumps (love),

My hump, my hump, my hump (love),

My humps they got you,

She's got me spending.

(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.

She's got me spendin'.

(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

What you gon' do with all that ass?

All that ass inside them jeans?

I'm a make, make, make, make you scream

Make you scream, make you scream.

Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).

My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.

She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.

I could be your baby, you can be my honey

Let's spend time not money.

I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,

Milky, milky cocoa,

Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I'm really sexy,

The boys they wanna sex me.

They always standing next to me,

Always dancing next to me,

Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.

Lookin' at my lump, lump.

You can look but you can't touch it,

If you touch it I'ma start some drama,

You don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

So don't pull on my hand boy,

You ain't my man, boy,

I'm just tryn'a dance boy,

And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.

My lovely lady lumps (lumps)

My lovely lady lumps (lumps)

My lovely lady lumps (lumps)

In the back and in the front (lumps)

My lovin' got you,

She's got me spendin'.

(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.

She's got me spendin'.

(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

What you gon' do with all that ass?

All that ass inside them jeans?

I'ma make, make, make, make you scream

Make you scream, make you scream.

What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,

Get you love drunk off this hump.

What you gon' do wit all that breast?

All that breast inside that shirt?

I'ma make, make, make, make you work

Make you work, work, make you work.

(A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha)

She's got me spendin'.

(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spendin' time on me

She's got me spendin'.

(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

What Would Chuck Lorre Do...

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #252

The following is an excerpt from my keynote speech at the 2009 SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY WRITERS OF AMERICA NEBULA AWARDS.

When I was 12 years old, my teenage sister had a boyfriend whom my parents lovingly named "Cross-Eyed Larry." In my official capacity as the "obnoxious little brother," I took it upon myself to annoy and harass poor Larry at every opportunity. In fact, I specifically learned to cross my eyes so I could welcome him to our home with the appropriately juvenile comedic flair. (My mother constantly warned me that if I didn't stop doing that my eyes would stay crossed. 

In hindsight it appears as if she was lying or, at best, misinformed.) Anyway, my speech tonight is a long overdue attempt to make amends for my childish pestering and cruelty towards this polite young man whose only discernible character flaw was a poorly-aimed libido (no way he was getting over on my sister). 

But even more than an amends, I needed to find some way to thank him. And here's why: way back in 1964, Larry did something that would change my life forever. In order to get rid of me so he could stick his tongue down my sister's throat, Larry gave me a dog-eared copy of Ray Bradbury's The Martian Chronicles. His plan worked brilliantly. The book not only turned my prepubescent, Hardy Boys world upside down, it would begin my lifelong love affair with science fiction. 

Unfortunately, Cross-Eyed Larry was not so lucky. Ultimately rejected by my sister, he descended into a life of drugs and crime that ended tragically when he was murdered in Attica State Prison because another inmate thought he was looking at him funny.

Why does no one ever say that?

Upon exiting the bathroom…

“OK, you people are gonna have to lay off the air freshener...
I could barely smell myself fart in there”.

Why do people always say that?

Him: C'mon, man. It's like riding a bike.

Me: Yeah...if the bike was on fire and my feet were tied to the handlebars.

Can I get a minute here...

Our  office bathroom door hanger...

Shouldn't you two be working?

Chris is in charge of the radio at the office...

Chris: It’s your favorite song!

David: Oh, hell no it aint... that song sucks more balls than a gigantic vacuum cleaner 
at a golf course.

Chris: Like your mom?

David: Well...I mean she's good but she just couldn't keep up with that machine... you can get the video at www.mymomsuckstoomanyballz.com 

Chris: Ewwww

David: This is what I do.

Renee by Picasso...

A hero's origin isn't always interesting...

Recently my sister sent over the... let's call them "Pre-Production" photos from the some-say brilliant but flawed and ill-fated Captain Bloomers Video I submitted to MTV years ago when I was attempting to get onto Who Wants To Be A Superhero.

Looking at them now, I realize that I clearly had too much time on my hands.

But also a real talent for convincing otherwise rational people to do stupid things.

I also thought that if you weren't familiar with us or what this was really for, you might think you stumbled upon some behind the scenes photos from a under-funded, poorly done gay porn shoot.

So without further blathering, with little explanation and in no particular order...

 I'm here for the audition, they told me to wear clean underwear?

 Reviewing the script by (an uncredited) Terrence Malick.
Rick is apparently "adjusting his HoJo's".

 Costume Fitting.

Costume Fitting or Wedgie in Progress, I'm not sure.
Perhaps more "HoJo Adjusting"?

Getting motivational talk from my co-star, a student of the "You Can Pick 

Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends" Academy of Drama.

 Top or Bottom?

Ready for my closeup.

Mentally preparing for the epic Battle in a Suburban Living Room 

scene which will eventually win us Best Oscar for Poor Editing.

My Co-Star adjusting his "HoJo's".

Preparing for the next scene by listening to FallOut Boy.

Just like Sir Ian McKellen.

Rick strikes a pose for the Publicity Photos.

I cant even imagine what's happening here at all.

And that's a wrap...a very, very gay wrap.