Nine One What?

Recently I was elected to become the Emergency Action Plan Warden for my company. I say elected in the same way I mean drafted.

Several of us were given a simple quiz:

1: In the event of a disaster, what would you do?

a. Calmly and cooly, gather the employees and lead them to safety.

b. Send an email to the staff announcing the disaster, grab my iPad and leave.

c. Yell "Outta my way"! and climb over the slower employees to get to the elevator.

I answered "a" and everyone else answered "c".

Which just goes to show how stupid I am.

We had an hour long presentation by a man who was clearly in his late 60's and somewhat unaware of the actual disasters that might confront a major city like Manhattan in this century.

For example since he grew up in the 50's he still thought it was possible to survive a direct nuclear strike as long as you hid under your desk.

He also mentioned that the subways were a good place to hide as long as the island was not swamped by the ocean at which point you would become part of a tremendously filthy permanent aquarium.

Also…It is not possible to survive a biological attack simply by holding your shirt over your mouth and later taking a shower.

Anyway, nothing he offered was of any help, so I wrote my own Action Plan...

Emergency Action Plan Instructions

Please copy and hand these out to your employees.

If you find yourself in a disaster be it biological, nuclear, chemical or even the threat of a polyester sale at Barney's, you can emerge safely from the situation.

What to do after the incident:

First: assess the situation, are all your limbs still attached to your torso, what about your head? Then awesome, there is a good chance you are still alive.

Second: is anyone around you hurt ? Do you like those people, if so don't steal their wallet and just leave. At least have the decency to prop their head up with some debris before you rob them.

Third: Wait for instructions from well-prepared authority figures. Of course it is likely those people will not appear and you will have to make do with some third or fourth-tier idiot who wasn't smart enough to just head home at the first sign a disaster was imminent.

Here are some of the high-tech ways they may contact you with further ways to harm or hinder your attempts to get home safely ...

With a little foresight on your part and some help from our elected officials, chances are your death will be a long drawn out, miserable painful fiasco and nothing short of the Hand of God will be able to save you.

So just relax, light up a blunt, smoke a little and don't get so worked up.