Him: Mr. Marchisotto, where would you be if you died today?
Me: Um…acting as fertilizer for the tomatoes? I guess it depends on how I left things with the wife.
Him: O…K…
Me: Are you talking about arrangements for my body or is this about Jesus?
Him: Arent they really the same thing”? (I swear I can almost hear him winking.)
Me: No…no they’re not.
Him: Well, let me be clear.
Me: That would be nice
Him: I represent Reverend Avrom Clement Wopat and his Brilliant Light Church of Believers. We’re located in Gumline, Arkansas and we are about 97% sure the world is going to end next Wednesday. So we’re collecting the life savings from anyone who is crazy enough to stay on the phone with me for more than 5 minutes.
Me: It’s been a boring Sunday, you caught me off guard.
Him: Be that as it may. We are talking about your soul and how you can save it… guaranteed!
Me: Well I may hate myself for saying this…but how?
Him: I’m glad you asked.
Me: I’m not
Him: We have a 3-tier program for the faithful. On Tier 1, you donate $50 dollars and the Good Reverend will pray over your donation to ensure that you will be lifted up into God’s eternal kingdom come next Wednesday.
On Tier 2, you give us your life savings and in return you get a certificate stating that Jesus himself put you on the guest list in Heaven. You also get to skip the line if you say the secret phrase “Judas always throws the best dinner parties”.
On Tier 3 you give us everything you own and you get the free prayer, a $10 gift card for Starbucks and if the Rapture doesn’t come for some reason, we call you back to let you know when its been rescheduled for.
Me: Can I be honest with you?
Him: It's what Jesus would want.
Me: Your bizarre and confusing thesis intrigues me and I would like to subscribe to your insanity but all my money is tied up in frivolous crap like food and shelter. But while I have you on the line, can I borrow $20 bucks? Im sure the reverend knows Im good for it.
Him: *Click*.
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