Fashion is literally a thing in and of itself…most people cant afford the work shown on fashion runways. You must be easily fooled by pretty words and shiny things and in many cases, unless you have a very particular shape, you couldn’t hope to wear any of it anyway.
I have studied many fashion photos and I can now reveal to you what that shape is…
…an alien.
Yes that’s correct, the people who are able to wear haute couture must be 8 feet tall and weigh no more than 71 lbs. Their head must bobble around from the lack of working central nervous system, they must have more than 2 arms and perhaps an actual tail. They must have a neck that is at least 18” long and their arms and legs must be so spindly that they should appear at cocktail parties as if they are actually marionettes being attended to by a very sloppy and bored puppeteer.
Now read on in amazement. These are real quotes from press releases sent out by designers during 2010…
Mr. Katra's latest fresh designs mingle colors with the changing pleasure of light.
What the hell does that mean? What is the “changing pleasure of light”. Light is energy, it's not alive, it doesnt have feelings. It doesn’t enjoy coffee or good orgasms…It’s like saying the “diverse smells of eyelashes”. That’s just as stupid.
Mr. Khansa has shaped his vision of fashion by taming nature’s diversity and customizing it in a classic original silhouette to fit every woman’s perception of beauty.
How do you tame diversity? Isnt that what the Nazis got started on? In order to tame diversity you have to make everything similar to everything else. You have to remove that which is different. How can you possibly sell your product as being unique by saying your work is the same as everyone else’s?
Mr. Guisso' s recent collection radiated with the essence and hope of the season evoking a garden of aromatic flowers or the notes of a melody celebrating beauty. The romantic and rather bohemian collection reflected the harmony the designer sees in the elderflower.
If you get that shaken up by an elderflower, I suggest you see someone about a change to your medication levels. Because they are clearly not right for you. Also have you even seen elderflower? From anything more than a foot away, it looks like someone’s dandruff.
Katya says ‘Beautiful Garbage’ supports the collection’s altruistic attitude, by which the value of beauty is not found in the "preciousness of the material," but rather, "the beauty a woman finds within herself."
…what?
Ms. Desai has combined her knowledge of plastics with her unique style and cultural flare to create a new avenue for fashion “Plastics are what make this world possible," says the designer. "And in order for us to preserve Mother Earth we must make every effort to make plastics even more possible and sustainable than they are today."
Jumping Jesus’ Jockstrap…what the hell! First of all, there is no such thing as “Cultural flare’ unless we are talking about lighting a chinese or hispanic person on fire. The word is “flair”. Second, plastics are largely responsible for more damage worldwide to soil and water than waste runoff from nuclear power plants. They are by definition not sustainable and this sounds like an attempt to excuse poorly chosen materials for her clothing. Lastly, you cant make something that already exists “more possible”. Ugh I don’t even know where to begin with that, something is possible or it isn’t, something cant be more possible…more possible than what?
So what have we learned today, kiddies? Well, I'll tell you. High fashion like you’ve seen described here can be summed up in a single word…
…and that word is “stupid”.
The people who create this garbage put all this effort and money into something that by it’s very nature will be considered boring and useless in less than a year’s time. Kind of like Rob Schnieder’s career.
But seriously, every year in NYC, tons of people gather to watch a seemingly endless parade of imbeciles draped in random fabrics - looking for all the world like a homeless person who has stumbled into a used rug sale - march up and down runways while famous people sit on the sides gawking and then rambling on and on about how these designers are geniuses right up there with Michelangelo when in reality they are just hoping to get some free clothes.
I mean have you ever really looked at Karl Lagerfeld? It’s like he was created from cinema leftovers…take Blofeld from the James Bond movies and toss in one of those wacky albino twins from the Matrix movies with maybe a touch of Rotwang from Metropolis thrown in there for good measure.
And voila! A sunglass wearing, aged wackaloon who wears black jeans, cowboy boots and gloves even in the dead of summer.
And if you need further proof of how out of touch this guys is, this is his response when he was asked about today’s technology…
“Facebook is a flawless object. It's for me like a Brancusi. As I told you, I got one as a gift in gold -- in white gold. And the BlackBerry too, and the iPod. I have all those from a gift, I wouldn't buy it. But somebody gave me all those things in white gold. They are beautiful objects on the table -- they are stunning. I don't use them because I don't have to use them”.
And that friends in the very definition of a WTF moment.
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