Look at it...
Isn't it magnificent?
It frightens you…
It intrigues you...
It's like looking into the face of God...
You don't dare look away...
You want to...
Yet you can't...
You want to go there...
...but unless you have a 50-gallon drum of bleach...you shouldn't.
El Paraiso Motel.
Question and Answer with the manager of the Champagne VIP Suites:
Q. Let's cut to the chase, can I gets my drank on?
A. Of course you can, we have only the finest top-shelf booze and there is nothing like hand-made mojitos delivered to your room where you can answer the door wearing nothing but a dirty sock on your tallywhacker.
Q. Does each room have its own ice maker or do I gotta walk down a long hall while listening to the sounds of other people doing terrible and potentially nightmarish things to one another?
A. Each of our love sanctuaries has its own ice maker, use it for drinks or to play the cherished game "Skiing Down Mrs. Claus While Santa’s Away"… it’s up to you.
Q. What about my toonage, my good fellow?
A. Check it, we got an iPod docking station in each Shack D’Amore…bring your own music cause no one but you knows what you wanna hear while getting freaky, maybe it’s Elvis, maybe it’s the theme from Sesame Street, maybe it’s Beyonce and maybe it’s the super patriotic marching music of John Philip Souza…you degenerate.
Q. Where do I park my 1986 El Camino with its fine spinning rims?
A. Each of our Suites has its own private parking garage. Cause no one needs to see you unpacking a Batman costume, a life preserver, 5 lbs of flour, book cover laminator, bike pump and a garbage bag filled with stuffed animals,
Q. What if we’re done but we still got time on the room?
A. Feel free to catch up on episodes of I Love Lucy, Full House, Star Trek or even Little House on the Praire on your in-room 128” flat panel TV.
Q. What else do you offer at this amazing Casa De Naked?
A. Oodles, my man…We have the Fantasy Shower where you can peep thru a window at your significant other while they wash their pits.
You can indulge in a Love Swish in our patented 2-story Champagne Whirlpool…get your woman to sit in it while you go downstairs and look at her ass pressed up against the glass…classy as hell.
Make use of our Wet Love Chair, it has all the drama, mystery and romantic appeal of a gynecological exam but without the co-pay.
You can use our Dance Pole. There is nothing sexier on this earth than a 58-year-old naked fat man trying to do an effortless Spinning Bobblehead, the Dirty Raven or better yet the Spinning Fuckaloo.
Mirrors, we got mirrors! Some of our rooms have been specially designed for you to enjoy the art of love from every angle along with the very real possibility that every single perverted thing you are doing is being viewed and recorded…yes, even that thing with the salamander dressed as Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Or you can use our regular Love Chair, just like the wet chair…but dry.
Q. Damn, son…I’m sold, where are you located? In the real fancy part of town?
A. Hell to the Na, we’re in freakin Hialeah. So come see us, you won’t be sorry... until the next day.
3 HRS. $79.00
EVERY EXTRA HOUR $20.00
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