Food or Fud?

I understand the basics behind eating Vegan, I get the idea of wanting to do good for the environment and your body but for the life of me, the food just sounds awful…everything seems to be a substitute for something good, every item seems to be an “OK” version of the stuff that tastes great.

Eating is one of life's pleasures, it shouldn’t be a chore, a platform to attack others or an excuse to make social life difficult for everyone around you…And I don’t understand people going to these lengths to eat “healthy” especially when they promote pseudo-science to back themselves up.

Lastly, it seems you can’t be a Vegan without constantly criticizing and making others feel bad because they aren’t as enlightened as you think you are, oftentimes using the aforementioned pseudo-science to back up your lifestyle choice.

It’s like if I wandered around bothering people by telling them how much sleep I get every night, calling them at all hours, even interrupting their night's sleep just to tell them how much sleep I get. How much better I sleep, how good my sleep is for the environment, how no cows were killed by my sleeping, no one made a coat using the fur from the mink's I was dreaming about etc.

This info came from a site I happened upon (the article is in red, my annoying comments in black) and it’s pretty typical in its description of foods that you can eat instead of being happy…

Milk Substitutes 

First of all, there is no substitute for milk and if it didn’t come out of a tit, it ain't milk. Having said that…

Rice, almond, hemp, cashew, oat or soy milk. None of these things are milk, they are seeds or beans that are crushed with water. By that definition, if I smash Gummi Bears with water I have Gummi Milk.

The writer of the blog notes: There are brands of non-dairy milk that incorporate added fats and sweeteners including cane juice and brown rice syrup. 

And the reason, of course, is that without any additives at all, these liquids taste like you just licked the inside of a ferret’s butt.

Butter Substitutes 

I’ve always hated margarine and its vicious disgusting cousin the flavored oils. You might as well smear petroleum jelly on your fuckin bagel. Same texture, same flavor, same speed in evacuating your bowels without warning.

The writer recommends Earth Balance. I went to their website. By law, they must call their product a spread. Which makes sense because after you eat it, you're on a countdown to when you’ll have to spread your cheeks as it rockets out that end of you. And I'm not saying anything but below is a picture from their website showing what you can make with their spreads…

Cheese Substitutes

OK this section really made me crazy. I was going to write "nuts" until I realized the hidden joke, so read on. She writes:

If you like cheese on popcorn, I highly recommend nutritional yeast. It has a similar salty, nutty taste like parmesan and is delicious sprinkled on popcorn. It is also a great cheese replacement for baked macaroni and cheese. 

I highly recommend using it as well, if you like substituting misery for happiness. Here is an interesting question, how come Vegans don't mind killing trillions and trillions of little “yeastlings” but get mad when you carve up a cow? Is it because yeast isn’t cute? I beg to differ…

She goes on: For pasta, I like to grind up some pine nuts and sprinkle them on top. It adds a creamy and salty taste much like parmesan cheese.

I can assure you it is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE PARMESAN CHEESE. It’s like saying, I used a tack-hammer to scrape the rubber soles of my shoe into my oatmeal, it’s just like brown sugar.

I also like Miyoko’s Kitchen vegan mozzarella.

I checked this crap out as well, its so far from true mozzarella that the label calls it “mozz”. She has the utter audacity to compare it to Mozzarella Di Bufala…which she spells wrong by the way. But here are the ingredients, let's compare them, shall we…

Mozzarella di buffalo: milk

Miyokos Fresh VeganMozz: Water, Organic Coconut Oil, Organic Cashews, Organic Tapioca Starch, Agar, Sea Salt, Cultures.

Egg Substitutes

I have tried every vegan egg binder imaginable, and I still haven’t found one that can hold a vegan burger together perfectly.

Ugh really? The reason you can’t find a good egg substitute to hold a vegan burger together is there is no such thing as a vegan burger... there is only a sad patty made from the stuff found on forest floors, drizzled with the tears of whoever was forced to make that abomination in the first place.

Meat Substitutes 

Gardein Fresh & Frozen Products – I particularly like the vegan turkey cutlets with gravy, and they also have beef strips which work nicely marinated for tacos.

For legal reasons, I'm sure, they call their product Chick’n and here is comparison between their chicken cutlets and mine…

Dave’s Chicken Cutlets: Chicken, breadcrumbs, egg, milk, parmesan cheese.

Chick’n: water, soy protein isolate*, expeller pressed canola oil*, vital wheat gluten*, methylcellulose, organic ancient grain flour (KAMUT® khorasan wheat, amaranth, millet, quinoa), yeast extract, garlic powder, natural flavor (from plant sources), potato starch, sea salt, organic cane sugar, white distilled vinegar, organic soy sauce, color added, onion powder, pea protein, carrot fiber, beetroot fiber, turmeric and paprika extracts. seven grain breading: water, enriched wheat flour (wheat flour*, niacin, reduced iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), rice flour, oat bran, oats, salt, sugar, spices, quinoa flour, amaranth flour, millet flour, KAMUT® khorasan wheat, sea salt, soy bean oil, leavening (baking soda, cream of tartar), yeast, paprika extract. *Non-genetically engineered soybeans, wheat and canola.

Mmmmmmm…tasty.

Condiments 

Vegan Mayonnaise – There are many manufacturers of vegan mayonnaise. 

I don't know why this is as it all tastes like deep-fried taint. These bozos went to the trouble of trademarking their motto “Better than mayo” which is such a tremendous lie that I’m surprised it didn't originate in one of Donald Trump's Tweets.

Plant-Based Meat Substitutes 

Tempeh: Just look at these photos, it looks like knuckles mixed with glue and spackle. 

How about this pic, looks like the cross section of someone's turd.

Seitan: Oh…My…God, this looks like boiled turtle dicks in Gravy Train. I can’t believe this exists at all. It looks to have been created in defiance of any possible God. 

If I was faced wth the choice of imminent death or eating this vulgar thing, 

I couldn’t load the gun fast enough.