Gold Card, Bitches!

Sharon Day of the GOP contacted me personally yet again because she wants more of my money and also to make me an exclusive offer…

David, (Me and Sharon are besties…don't be jelly).

On behalf of the Republican National Committee, I'm excited to inform you that you have been nominated for the 2015 RNC Charter Gold Card Membership. Holeeee shit!

David, this is one of the highest honors our Party can bestow. Only a select few (I bet this same email went out to 50 million people) Republicans across the country have earned the right to become a Charter Member and carry this special 2015 RNC Charter Member Gold Card. You stand among them because of your unwavering commitment and exemplary support for our Party. (This is odd, I have no political affiliation of any kind and I've never willingly given so much as 10 cents to these idiots so Im not sure why I keep getting contacted).

By upgrading your membership status to gold, you'll gain access to exclusive offers, special store promotions and regular updates from GOP leadership.

Scenario One: I am picking up a sandwich at Subway:

Cashier: "Tuna Sub, chips and a water, that's' $7.49".

Me: (Whipping out my Official Gold GOP Card), "I believe this will cover it".

Cashier: "I don't know who told you we accept "Stupid" as currency but if you don't have $7.49 you're shit outta luck for lunch today".

You'll have a say in our 2016 strategy. And you'll get a personalized gold membership card to show you're part of this exclusive group of top Party leaders.

Scenario Two: I've managed to score an invite to a GOP planning strategy:

Sharon Day: "Ok, we want to open the floor to our Gold Card Members, let us know what you think the party can do to make things better".

Random Member: "We could look for ways to reduce the salaries of the government as a whole and use the savings to fund eldercare programs in the cities where the elderly populations are high".

Random Member 2: "We could work towards making everyone pay their fair share of taxes based solely on their income with no loopholes that corporations and the wealthy can exploit".

Me: "We could make it so all politicians have to get a bright pink X tattooed on their foreheads so it makes it easier to identify and slap them in the streets on a daily basis".

Sharon: "Ummmm, thank you all for participating, we are unfortunately canceling the Gold Card program".

The RNC is unique in that it's the only Republican organization that can provide massive amounts of funds and vital resources to the GOP presidential nominee — a huge lift for the candidate during the most critical time of the election. (Because remember…without your money…we'd have to go out and get real jobs).

David, every dollar you donate will directly contribute to this effort — (translation, we will use your cash to buy pizza and beer on Pizza Friday) and will fund our critical Party-building programs that are the bedrock of our efforts to win back the White House and elect more Republicans in 2015 and 2016. (because if its one thing our government needs, its more thieves and idiots, right?)

Thanks,

Sharon Day