Jesus Take the Wheel!

You May Have Won…but you didnt.

I'm entered into a sweepstakes…don't be jealous…my comments in red, as usual…

David,

We are embarking on one of the most exciting and engaging presidential primary seasons of our lifetime.  I don't see how…there's two dozen douchebags racing to see who can spend the most money and terrorize the American people the most all in an effort to jump into the "driver seat" so we can see yet again for the zillionth time in a row that these guys have no intention of helping anyone but themselves and their friends.

And we are gearing up to have one of the most dynamic and diverse presidential lineups in history. Jesus take the wheel, the words dynamic and presidential lineups simply don't go together.

David, you could be there to witness it all as history is made. The RNC is giving one lucky winner and a guest the chance to attend the first GOP Debate. Sweet Fat Baby! Really, the only way I would attend this is if I can prepare the catered food and personally give every single one of them horrible, butt-clenching colon-searing diarrhea.

They'll fly the winner and a guest to Cleveland, put them up for the night and save them a seat at the historic debate. Ok thats just a joke…you can't be a "winner" and end up in Cleveland.

And it could be you. All you have to do is enter in the next 24 hours for your chance to win. Again…I don't think I would consider that "winning".

Trust me, there's nothing more exciting than being in the arena as our candidates compete to be the next Republican President of the United States of America. And you could be there to experience it for yourself, as we kick off the 2016 primary season. If you honestly believe there is nothing more exciting that sitting around with a huge group of racist, sexist, barely educated pinheads then you have never gone to DisneyLand or ever had an orgasm.

To recap, you and a guest get:

• Seats at the first GOP presidential debate I hope they give out pillows so I don't bang my head on the desk when I fall asleep.
• Round-trip flights to Cleveland Oh, hell no.
• One-night stay at a hotel There's hotels in Cleveland? That doesn't make sense

This debate is going to be incredible. No it isn't.

Let Me Interpret your Brain Farts

What sort of Douchebaggery is this? I'll tell you what kind.

This is proof beyond question that anyone…anyone at all can get a job.

This came from Lauren Lawrence's weekly dream interpretation column in the Daily News who's hiring policies are clearly not very stringent. I have left in her answer to the dreams as well as my own. My analysis is line by line for I feel it gets to the heart of the dream in a more clear manner…also it's way funnier…

HE’S CLEARLY NOT FROM AROUND HERE

I dreamt I saw smoke and explosions outside my window in the distance. I went outside, walked to the corner and saw a young man with four nostrils in a chevron shape. I knew he wasn’t from around here.I kept walking and saw four more men like him sitting in a stairwell of a building. The alien “leader” reached out to shake hands and said there was some kind of war going on but I was safe because I was in their territory. As I walked back home, he said we’d see each other again soon. When I awakened I felt indescribably strange. Please decode this dream. - Gerry "Baby Wipes" Honan

Lauren Lawrence's Analysis: Dreaming of aliens is fairly common as they often symbolize the deceased who can no longer be communicated with or seen, and whose lifestyle can no longer be assessed in human terms. These dreams often express the dreamer’s own sense of alienation from society: of being disconnected or cut off from the world. Seeing explosions outside a window indicates worry, fear or depression: An internal battle is raging. The handshake gives reassurance of a wishful bond or union with someone who has passed. Higher powers are needed. Senses must be sharpened. It is time to breathe deep.

Dave the Stupid Whisperer's Analysis: I dreamt I saw smoke and explosions outside my window in the distance. This means you live in the Bronx. I went outside, walked to the corner and saw a young man with four nostrils in a chevron shape. This means you hate Mercedes Benz. I knew he wasn’t from around here. Clearly you have never been to Nostrilandia… great town, take some time to visit NasoLand and don't forget to try their Gourmet Pretzels in the green dipping sauce, served in a giant replica of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Nose. I kept walking and saw four more men like him sitting in a stairwell of a building. The alien “leader” reached out to shake hands and said there was some kind of war going on but I was safe because I was in their territory. This sounds like you were watching The Warriors on cable before you fell asleep. As I walked back home, he said we’d see each other again soon. This means he misinterpreted the handshake and wants to meet you at home so he can do "butt-things" to you. When I awakened I felt indescribably strange. And let me guess, your sheets were damp? Please decode this dream. I tried.

HOW SHE COPES WITH A LOSS

In reality, my son was murdered five months ago. I recently dreamt that he was riding shirtless on a black horse. He seemed angry and was telling the horse to run fast. Please let me know what this means. - Maria "Oedipus Rex" Perez

Lauren Lawrence's Analysis:The dream is working through the loss of your son. As such, there is the wish that he had gotten away, escaped from his awful demise. The dark horse symbolism may reflect your wish to have reined him in. Shirtless, your son reveals that he has gotten something off his chest: You wish to do the same. The anger you perceive is your anger over his death.

Dave the Stupid Whisperer's Analysis: The dream is working through the loss of your son. Or it means you still feel guilty from that one time he beat you at Connect Four and you said "I hope you die, you cheating bastard!". As such, there is the wish that he had gotten away, escaped from his awful demise. But he didn't and at least the detective didn't ask too many questions. The dark horse symbolism may reflect your wish to have reined him in. Or it could mean that he always wanted to buy a vintage 1969 Mustang. Shirtless, your son reveals that he has gotten something off his chest: That is correct…his shirt. You wish to do the same. Next time you go shopping at Waldbaums, go topless, it will help you connect to his ghost. The anger you perceive is your anger over his death.

LET LAUREN INTERPRET YOUR DREAM!

After all what have you got to lose..you're already so dumb you think asking a half-wit with a psych degree has the answer to your crippled mental state. Send your name, address and dream details to yourdreams@nydailynews.com. Submissions may be edited for clarity and content. Also spelling and grammar will be corrected so you don't look quite so dumb.

Bonus Round!…if you are wondering what Lauren Lawrence looks like, here is her authors photo from Amazon where she is clearly trying out for a part in a porno. My wife thinks she looks like a real-life blow-up doll.

Get it now before it's at the Dollar Store.

Yahoo! 
This is freakin awesome…no, wait…
This is another excuse for me to make fun of politicians.

So I got yet another email from the GOP…ON SALE TODAY ONLY!  EVERYTHING 15% OFF. They want to offer me the rare opportunity to buy some of their amazing and oh so classy swag. 

Ironically…swag that was made in Mexico and China.

But I digress.

Put on your seatbelt..here we go:

Item 1: George Bush Quote Shirt. I didn't think it was possible to find a shirt with his name as well as a reference to reading/writing on it…they just don't go together. 

But I think it's great that they put his IQ on the front.

Item 2: Coffee Mug. It says My Kids are Raised Right…those kids would be 

better off if they were "Raised by wolves".

Item 3: Official Dick Cheney Cowboy Hat. Yessir, if it's one thing that come to mind when I think of the pioneering spirit of the Old West…It's Dick Cheney.*

Item 4: Socks. I didn't think it would be possible to make socks stupid…but I was wrong.

Item 5: George Washington Quote Shirt: This doesn't make sense at all, 

Washington was not a republican or a democrat for that matter.

Item 6: Republican Camo Hat. I question the use of this hat, doesn't the bright 

traffic-cone orange printing on the front make it easy to find you? Maybe that 

was the problem for Harry Whittington.**

Item 7: I Miss W Bush Coffee Mug. Hmmm, this is probably a dribble glass.

Item 8: Republican Tie: This item is spot-on. What better way to celebrate the Republicans…or any politicians really with an item of clothing that restricts the supply of oxygen to your brain.

Item 9: Bumper Sticker: This one is confusing, it clearly says "2014: Republicans for the Win". But the election isn't until 2016. Im concerned that maybe Republicans don't know what year it is…but that sounds about right.

And now since I'm all about "dropping knowledge" as the kids say: 

Added Bonus! Some interesting facts about Dick Cheney:

• He failed out of college twice.

• He dodged the draft 5 times during Vietnam. I guess its much easier to send other people to die in your senseless wars than to pick up a gun yourself.

• While quail hunting with attorney Harry Whittington, Cheney "accidentally" shot him in the face despite the fact that everyone was wearing blaze orange safety gear and no one was drinking. When asked if Cheney ever apologized, Whittington refused to answer.

• His Mom's maiden name was Lorraine Dickey so if his father had taken his wife's name, their son would have been Dick Dickey…and that's one of the few names in all of history that match the person perfectly.

• On June 29th 2002, Cheney acted as President of the US for almost 3 hours while George Bush had a colonoscopy. That means that an asshole was running the country while an asshole was being examined. 

• Or even better: It means an asshole invaded the Oval Office while an asshole was being invaded.

And now I'm done.

Udderly Ridiculous.

The other night I had the strangest dream...

In it, my wife came to me and said she had to confess a terrible, deep, dark, secret and that she was worried I might never be able to forgive her.

She said, I have secretly been working on a weapon.

I was dumbfounded.

She went on to explain that she had been doing research late at night and was now ready to release her findings to the public at large.

I didn't know what to say.

She continued…"You see if you get under a cow and rub its teats together, it creates sparks, then you blow those sparks towards its butt and when it farts, its creates a huge explosion".

I, of course had many questions…foremost of them was, had she in fact taken too much allergy medication again.

Before I could continue the conversation, I was awoken from sleep and knew I had to jot down my real questions, those same hard-hitting and insightful questions that drive great online journalists like me and also to a certain extent Tom Brokaw to get the truth.

1. How did she find volunteers to lay under the cows?

2. Does it matter which of the 4 teats you rub together?

3. How do you sneak cows and their "handlers' into enemy territory without trouble?

4. And of course, in a nod to the great Dave Barry, wouldn't Walking Cow Bombs be a great name for a band?

Meanwhile in Metropolis...

Gold Card, Bitches!

Sharon Day of the GOP contacted me personally yet again because she wants more of my money and also to make me an exclusive offer…

David, (Me and Sharon are besties…don't be jelly).

On behalf of the Republican National Committee, I'm excited to inform you that you have been nominated for the 2015 RNC Charter Gold Card Membership. Holeeee shit!

David, this is one of the highest honors our Party can bestow. Only a select few (I bet this same email went out to 50 million people) Republicans across the country have earned the right to become a Charter Member and carry this special 2015 RNC Charter Member Gold Card. You stand among them because of your unwavering commitment and exemplary support for our Party. (This is odd, I have no political affiliation of any kind and I've never willingly given so much as 10 cents to these idiots so Im not sure why I keep getting contacted).

By upgrading your membership status to gold, you'll gain access to exclusive offers, special store promotions and regular updates from GOP leadership.

Scenario One: I am picking up a sandwich at Subway:

Cashier: "Tuna Sub, chips and a water, that's' $7.49".

Me: (Whipping out my Official Gold GOP Card), "I believe this will cover it".

Cashier: "I don't know who told you we accept "Stupid" as currency but if you don't have $7.49 you're shit outta luck for lunch today".

You'll have a say in our 2016 strategy. And you'll get a personalized gold membership card to show you're part of this exclusive group of top Party leaders.

Scenario Two: I've managed to score an invite to a GOP planning strategy:

Sharon Day: "Ok, we want to open the floor to our Gold Card Members, let us know what you think the party can do to make things better".

Random Member: "We could look for ways to reduce the salaries of the government as a whole and use the savings to fund eldercare programs in the cities where the elderly populations are high".

Random Member 2: "We could work towards making everyone pay their fair share of taxes based solely on their income with no loopholes that corporations and the wealthy can exploit".

Me: "We could make it so all politicians have to get a bright pink X tattooed on their foreheads so it makes it easier to identify and slap them in the streets on a daily basis".

Sharon: "Ummmm, thank you all for participating, we are unfortunately canceling the Gold Card program".

The RNC is unique in that it's the only Republican organization that can provide massive amounts of funds and vital resources to the GOP presidential nominee — a huge lift for the candidate during the most critical time of the election. (Because remember…without your money…we'd have to go out and get real jobs).

David, every dollar you donate will directly contribute to this effort — (translation, we will use your cash to buy pizza and beer on Pizza Friday) and will fund our critical Party-building programs that are the bedrock of our efforts to win back the White House and elect more Republicans in 2015 and 2016. (because if its one thing our government needs, its more thieves and idiots, right?)

Thanks,

Sharon Day

I think I've had enough...

When we bought the house we thought having our very own Mango tree would be amazing. After all we love mangos…however, we don't love mangos this much...

This is the haul from last night alone and we had the same amount the morning before…and before that… and before that etc...

….I really fuckin' hate Mangos now.

Does it stand for Goofballs on Parade?

I received this email from the GOP the other day. Yes, kiddies its time to get out your checkbooks and give money to people who are often so stupid they they still think that God punishes gay marriage by sending hurricanes to flatten innocent people and their homes.  I responded to it the same day, my answers in red…and it went like this:

David, (See we are on a first name basis…I am a personal friend and confidant of whichever team of linguistic imbeciles hashed this together late one night while wasting my tax money on booze and coke.

According to every recent poll, nearly two out of three Americans believe our country is on the wrong track. This isn't a good metric, nearly 2 out of 3 Americans believe that the Kardashians are interesting.

It doesn't have to be this way — and it won't be when Republicans win back the White House in 2016. We have a plan for getting America back on track: our Principles for American Renewal. Yep we can get back to the Utopia that was the "pre-Obama Era", when everything was great, there was no issue with mortgages, no homeless people, we werent mired in yet another un-winable war and everyone had enough to eat and great healthcare and the divorce rate was zero and there wasn't a gay person as far as the eye could see…yep I remember it well. Why can't we go back to that?

Here are just 10 reasons why we must win in 2016:

To preserve our Constitution, I don't know why they care about it… I mean its not like republicans or democrats have taken the time to actually read the damn thing.

To grow America's economy. Thats what Obama did, the last republican George "scrambled eggs for brains" Bush drove unemployment up, gave more money to the rich under a demented "trickle down" theory and basically proved that an illiterate pinhead with the face of a shaved monkey could be elected if you have enough money.

To balance our nation's budget Good luck, I have that solution right here, everyone in politics should only have a $55,000 salary, must not accept gifts of any kind and must at the end of 4 years show that they contributed in some meaningful way to the people they serve, otherwise they are automatically fired. How's that?

To start over with real health care reform You mean like we had before Obama, a system where the richest have the best coverage the middle class take whatever they can get even if it means incurring a debt that will eventually bankrupt your family and the poor just "make do"?

To give our veterans the respect, care and benefits they deserve. Give me a break...All politicians care about is having enough able bodies to go out and kill whoever they feel is our enemy at the moment. It would really help them a lot if the veterans could find a way to die just before they came home.

To strengthen our military and secure our borders Yep we need this more than ever, if one more Mexican crosses the border, it all falls apart for us. It's Mad Max and the Fury Road. And of course we need more military buildup since we are now no longer fighting conventional wars, god forbid we change with the times.

To give every child the opportunity for a great education Or at least the white rich ones…they need it the most, don't you think?

To create an environment that fosters upward mobility This is just stupid…the rich don't want that, they like being at the top. If you let everyone into your club it stops being exclusive, you know what I mean?

To defend the values of family, life, religious liberty and hard work No politician is interested in this either unless you mean marriage is for one man and one woman, children should be raised with a bible in their hand instead of a textbook and hard work is what you consider it when you have to write the $25 Christmas bonus to the nanny who actually raises your kids.

To secure American energy independence And by that we mean dig up the Alaskan preserve, set up fracking machinery everywhere by ripping people off for their land and then making them move somewhere they can't afford to live all while polluting the earth to a degree that the very water and soil poisons people living miles away.

These are the core principles that unite and define us as Republicans. These are the principles that inspire and guide our policymaking. And these are the principles that will get our country moving in the right direction. Again, this simply isn't true, this is just middle aged white people who want all the money and resources and fuck everyone else…you know: the rest of us...who actually pay them for the privilege.

Thanks,

Sharon Day, RNC Co-Chair

So fuck you and the rest of the greedy shitheads you represent. If you really want to help me and the rest of the decent people in this country, you would get all the assholes you work with and launch yourselves into the sun as soon as humanly possible.

Thanks for listening.

So you live in Brooklyn, you say...

Then this photo of a "grocery store" will make plenty of sense to you…