The Doctor is In...

It's a quiet afternoon…I'm trying to read a book but it's not easy as Ava is also in the room. Ava has two speeds: Sleep Mode and Super Atomic DeathFire Kaiju-Attack TrainWreck Armageddon Mode.

And I'll be plain...she aint sleeping.

Ava: "Dad, Im bored".

Me: "Why don't you play with the $88,742 worth of toys I have bought for you this year"?

Ava: "I hate all of them…they are sooooo boring".
She says this in a way usually attributed to bored aristocracy in the 16th century who have just run out of peasants to chase through their croquet field.

Me: Putting down my book, because I have read the same sentence 5 times and I still don't know what it means. "OK, what would you like to play"?

Ava: "I'm going to be your doctor…because you have MetaPhilimYesNeh". 
She rolls this out so quickly I realize that I have been setup from the moment she used the words "sooooo boring".

Me: "OK…but after we are done, daddy is going to drink enough cough syrup to keep the voices in his head quiet while he naps".

Ava: "You hear them too?"

Me: "  "

Ava: continuing... "Ok lay down on this couch, I have to run some tests".

Despite her previous attempts to scar me, I still trust her… mostly because she learned how to bat her eyelashes at me when she was a year old and I still don't have a decent defense against it.

I lay down and this is what happens, in order…

She gets a pillow and smashes it down on my face repeatedly, attaches several snack bag clips to my toes and my left ear. Pulls what little hair I have on my head back and attempts to as she puts it: "fix my brain".

From there on, its downhill and I may have blacked out.

When I came to the second time, I had two Nerf styrofoam darts in my nose, she had filled my bellybutton with blue marker and she tied me to the ottoman using my own socks.

Me: "Aaaaigghhh…what the fuck!?

Ava: "Daaaaaad…don't move, you're almost healed"!

Me: "Are you nuts? What kind of a doctor are you"?

Ava: "Can I tell you a secret?…I used to be a mad scientist".

Me: "Why does my bellybutton hurt"?