Good Luck with That!

Anyone who knows me knows I have a very, very low tolerance for bullshit. In a world that seems to be getting progressively stupid (and I mean in a measurable way) I can't stand when people talk about silly nonsense instead of addressing the real issues and finding a way to solve them.

Since I started at the firm I currently work at, I have had to deal with the stupidity known as Feng Shui. A pseduo-science (if you can call it that) generally co-opted by westerners looking to make money off people that are more gullible than they are.

A group that is in no short supply in the United States.

I know I am not even close to having all the answers, Ill be happy if I die having figured out some of the answers. So I try to be open to things, do my research and see what is really going on before I turn to write generally rude comments on this blog.

Anyone who knows me also knows I have little tolerance for stupidity and ignorance as they usually are an issue people can solve. One need only want to learn something new to start down the road to education.

But again, I live in a country, and often a world in which people can be dangerously dumb and apparently be happy living that way.

Americans lead the way in wanting simple answers to big problems. It comes from an age when we led the world in actually solving those big problems. Now we want an answer to be provided for us without doing any work.

Making money, dieting, good health, education…people all want to do the least possible to achieve these goals.

OK..anyway thats where Feng Shui comes in. Its a "Scientific System" the consultants say, which right off the bat proves how stupid they are. If it's based in science, it is something that can be demonstrably proven time and time again.

Feng Shui aint like that. Feng Shui is at best the same as gambling….it's luck and its something we can't control. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. No one wins more or less than anyone else and this fact is provable scientifically. 

You can roll dice 10 times in a row and get even numbers 9 times and odd once. That doesn't mean you personally roll more even numbers than odd numbers. If you roll another 10 times, that number drops. Roll again and again until eventually on a long enough line of rolls, you hit 50/50.

Balance.

So Feng Shui is great for the simple-minded. You follow a bunch of weird rules and sometimes you get good luck, which you always remember and attribute to Feng Shui and sometimes you get bad luck which you blame on some outside force or worse another person not following the sacred Feng Shui rules.

It's called the "Gambler's Fallacy". In short it means that when you see something good happen more often than bad you believe that good things will continue to happen. It's why gamblers on a "streak", won't stop when they are ahead.

And it's not real. A coin coming up heads or tails ALWAYS has the same exact chance every single flip. 50/50.

Balance.

Feng Shui constantly discusses "Ch'i". Invisible (how convenient) energy that flows around and through all things (yep, just like Yoda says in The Empire Strikes Back) and you can channel and make use of this energy by moving furniture, closing your toilet lid, facing your bed towards a certain compass point.

Really super-scientific stuff, right? I guess a couple of questions present themselves at this time…

1. If this energy is everywhere, how come we can't examine it as we have done with other energies like radiation and electromagnetism? I mean if there is energy just flowing everywhere, why don't we tap into it and power our homes without burning fossil fuels?

2. Why do we have to move furniture to "allow" the energy to flow? Cant't it just flow under the couch and around the ottoman?

Since there are about 4 of you in my audience, a word of explanation. I was content to ignore this crap until it started getting shoved down my throat at work. I don't like having to treat this garbage as serious matter, I don't like having to arrange the office according to someones "Kua Number" instead of the logical place that works best for the employee. I think keeping the bathroom door shut all the time means people never know if its occupied or not. I don't think its intelligent to place job proposals in a magic box or pray over them.

And in the end the worst part of all this is that it denies the fact that people working hard for the company are what make it strong and profitable, instead opting for the idea that magical energies and rearranged furniture is what makes a good company.

Moving on…I collected a few things on this topic from the great interwebs…unusually for me, I feel no need to credit any of the sites with their writing as so much of what I read is copied from website to website and in the cases of books I read, chapter to chapter. That is, there is no definitive "book" out there on the topic, people choose what they want to believe and ignore what they don't.

Kind of like religion.

Rarely did I come across situations in which multiple consultants agreed on the same exact issue. Further proof of how "scientific" it all is. Anyway, here are some of the more interesting ones…

The Toilet Seat Rule
Simply keep the toilet seat down and the bathroom door closed. Feng Shui experts from around the globe agree that this rule is valid. It does not take long to imagine why either. According to Feng Shui, energy collects around the still water and finds its way to the open toilet. Following this thought means that all that accumulated energy is literally flushed down the drain. Sounds good to me except, the lid isn't airtight or I guess energy proof so why doesn't it seep in and also what about toilets in bars and bus stations, they don't have lids, should you even poop in there? What if you are disabled in some way, your toilet may not have a cover, does that mean in addition to having daily issues due to your condition that you also have bad luck all the time?

Fruit Bowls

According to Feng Shui, keeping a big bowl of fresh apples and oranges out will cultivate prosperity. The power is in the abundance of the fruit, their shape, and the bold colors. Feng Shui teaching says that round objects promotes peace and harmony, and the fiery red and orange colors inspire action and wealth.  I've been in a lot of meetings in my life but I don't recall a single one where a client stood up grabbed an apple and shouted, my god the fiery red of this apple has prompted me to sign this contract RIGHT THIS MINUTE"! 

Also this one example doesn't mention that some consultants say you must always have an odd number of fruit in the bowl. This of course led to one of the dumbest things I have ever experienced. We have a Chinese client who came in for a meeting. During the meeting, one of them ate an apple. 

Sweet Jesus, do you know what that meant? There was now an un-even number of apples in the bowl…Armageddon is upon us!. So one of my staff ate an apple too. A minute later one of the other clients ate an apple. One of my staff quickly grabbed another apple and raced out of the conference room and over to my desk and told me to eat it or the bad luck would derail the meeting.

I took a marker, drew Batman on the apple and left it on my desk for the rest of the day.

And would you believe it, the client signed the contract and the project was a go…all because of Batman, right?

Power of 27
When you don't know what to do with yourself or feel simply overwhelmed: move 27 items. It does not matter what you do with these 27 items, but the subtle shift in energy can help promote a new flow. Consciously and intentionally picking up and moving 27 items may sound like an odd endeavor, but it can't hurt to try. It certainly can hurt to try, what if one of the things you move is your sons skateboard and then you step on it and crash your face into the big credenza (which is of course facing Southwest because it promotes good lactation and prevents headaches). I have to be honest, I think if you ever see me moving 27 things in a room, you will assume I have OCD or maybe that I was looking for my keys, I guess.

Feng Shui Aquarium

Select a good sized aquarium that is enough to grab your attention when you enter the room, but will not overpower the size of your house or apartment. If you live in a large mansion then of course a larger tank would be more appropriate. If you live in a large mansion then I don't think you need any more good luck.

At least 3,6,8, 9 or hundreds of fishes to bring abundance and prosperity luck. Thats a weird jump, how come you can't have 11 fish, isn't it a bit expensive to go from 9 to 300?

Green, leafy plants to symbolize wood and growth energy. Actually it's not a good idea, leafy plants decay underwater, produce decomposition gasses that suffocate the fish.

A pair of dragons to create yang energy for the Patriarch and Matriarch. 9 Dragons are also very suitable if you have sufficient space. Real live dragons? You got me on this one, unless you live in Mordor or some other mystical realm, I don't see how you can obtain dragons.

Pebbles and stones to create earth energy for harmonious relationships. Use auspicious stones etched with good luck affirmations or mantras if you can - they are even more effective as they will energize the water with special blessings! Oh yes, I can see me etching tiny sayings on hundreds of rocks to throw into the tank. That doesn't sound too much like the crazy guy in Seven and his thousands of tiny notebooks.

Lights to bring in the element of fire for recognition. Or just set fire to the tank and when it reaches a rolling boil, add carrots, parsnips, leeks, mushrooms and baby bok choy…and you have soup! 

And on that note, I will leave you as usual…wanting more.