I don't know who wrote this, I so wish it was me. All I have is a bad photocopy from about twenty years ago. Its one of the funniest things I've read, more so because there is literally nothing in it that is untrue.
Be A Cugine...or just look like one by Unknown
Shortly after the release of Saturday Night Fever, a phenomenon the likes of which had never been seen before overtook the borough of Brooklyn. Tony Manero was instantly canonized and the "Cugine" (Pronounced Koo-Zheen) was born.
Taken from the Italian word meaning "cousin", cugines are now the male ruling class of Brooklyn and as does every subculture, have invented a language and series of customs and rituals as complex as that of many ancient civilizations.
So complex is this ritualistic society that a newcomer or visitor could easily. get lost. I urge you, clip this article and save it. It will enrich the Brooklyn Experience for anyone, and keep you always "in the know". Think of it as an Emily Post meets John Travolta. Please follow all guidelines expressly, and if anything
seems unclear, head for the video store immediately and rent Saturday Night Fever, often referred to as the "Bible of Brooklyn". Remember, pay close attention.
1. Dress Codes:
Dressing for success is a key to establishing oneself in any new setting and Brooklyn is no exception. From the time you leave the shower to the time you leave your home, meticulous adherence to the following guidelines is a must. First splash your entire body liberally with Jovan Musk For Men. For general use, one quarter of the bottle should suffice, but for those special nights when you need something extra, you might want to soak your clothes in a solution of one part musk to two parts water for approximately 24 hours before the "big date".
Next adorn yourself with as many gold chains as your neck can handle, using the formula: 1/50 Body Weight X Number of Workouts Per Week. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds and work out three times a week (the minimum), that's 3 X 3 or 9 gold chains. Try to hang as many ornaments as possible from the chains, always remembering to include one religious symbol (cross or Star of David), one playing card with your name engraved diagonally across and one Playboy bunny with a diamond in the eye. Try not to deviate too far from the norm here. Chains often can make the right first impression.
Now getting dressed is the key. From the feet up, you should begin with laceless sneakers, or decks for casual wear, and white jazz shoes (Capezio is the most common make) for more formal affairs, like weddings or cruises (see activities). Remember, socks should be avoided at all costs, unless wearing dress shoes, in which case white sweat socks are expected.
Next comes pants, and Jordache and Sergio Valente are the leading designers. Either two-tone or dark blue jeans are the best for formal occasions, while red and white sweatpants, generally one size too tight and rolled up to the knees are often just the right touch for a casual affair.
As far as tops go, you have a great deal of freedom, but Chams shirts and Hanes undershirts are always good standbys. Try to cut the shirt bottom, cutting one quarter if your thin, but up to one half, if you have an impressively fat belly. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR NAVEL EXPOSED!!! Other useful items might be football jerseys with obscenities where your name should be, and fishnet tops. If you don't have any of the above, a Playboy bunny, available for under $1.00 at most T-shirt emporiums makes any shirt special.
As far as hairstyles go, there is only one. The D.A., popularized in the 1950's and again in the 70's by John Travolta, is the only recognized coiffure in the borough. Hold style firmly in place with a can or two of Vitalis.
Other accessories, suggested only for potential residents, might include a Playboy earring (a new trend) or the classic diamond stud earring (cugines in the know will always recognize the proper situation for each). Tattoos are also tres chic, and most knowledgeable cugines will stick with the now-classic cross design
regardless of their religious faith.
2. Language:
To survive in any unfamiliar surroundings, knowing the native tongue is a must.
Greetings: "Sup" (from the English "what's up") is generally regarded as the only acceptable greeting and few dare to break tradition, so why should you? Farewells of use are "teggedeece", a hybrid form of the English "take it easy" and ''beegoo'' which loosely translates to ''be good", a term of endearing advice. In all situations of greeting and farewell "hi" and ''bye'' are to be strictly avoided.
I REPEAT STRICTLY AVOIDED!
Idioms: The following words mean "good" and can be freely interchanged: "fresh" (and its cousins, "funky fresh" and "stupid fresh"), "jammin" "jumpin", "mint", "def", "wicked", "fly" and the hot newcomer "livin" which when properly inserted into conversation can make you the instant hit of any cugine get-together.
"Bad" is generally replaced by "played", ''beat'', or the classic "sucks", the origin of which is unknown. Generally stick to the latter since it is the most common and will quickly establish your status as a "real man."
When trying to meet members of the opposite sex at dance clubs (always referred to in the plural, as in "Limelights", "Madonnas" and L'Amours"), the most accepted line to catch a lady's attention is "Yo, bring it over". If this fails, immediately make a derogatory remark about her, and quickly engage high-fives with all of your friends. If the fish "takes the bait", though, you should follow up by inquiring as to the lady's well being with, "Yo, how youse doin?"
If she remains responsive, continue the conversation, this time focusing on her planned activities. "Yo, so what are youse doin tonight?" will usually suffice. (Remember, all sentences spoken to a familiar person or peer should begin with "Yo" while all sentences spoken to an elder should begin with "what?". Once the lines of communication have been opened, feel free to experiment with whatever seemingly classless and sexist conversation comes to mind including asking if she would like to accompany you to your car to "go park somewhere."
To keep your "rap" impressive, try and use as many double negatives as possible. "I ain't never done nothin to nobody" is a fine example. Also, feel free to pronounce words as you see fit, regardless of spelling." "Axe" in place of "ask" and telling friends you're going to study in the "liberry" are good starts, but you are
strongly encouraged to improvise.
When calling people by their names, please remember that any name not ending in "y" or "ie" should be fitted with the "y" ending and followed by the word "boy". For example Joe will answer to the name "Joey Boy", while Scott will respond to "Scotty Boy". It's as simple as that. Note that Vito is the exception to this rule.
3. Living the Cugine Life:
You need a car, first and foremost, and Cadillacs (also known as Cadoos or Dadillacs, when the car is borrowed from your father), Monte Carlos and Camaros are the only acceptable means of transportation. Once you get the car, familiarize yourself with the standard Brooklyn driving position, the "Bensonhurst Lean". Slouch down until you can barely see the road. Now slouch down a little more. Place your right hand lightly on the steering wheel and dangle your left out the window. After becoming particularly adept at the "Lean" you may want to dangle your left foot as well. Now light up a Marlboro Light cigarette, with less than one centimeter actually inside your mouth.
Adorn your car with any or all of the following: a Kingsborough Community College window decal (regardless of where you go to school) fuzzy dice, fog lights, Playboy air fresheners, disco balls (the bigger, the better), furry steering wheel covers, carpeting anywhere you want, and custom lettering all over the car's
exterior. Generally you'll want your initials on the drivers door and the name of your favorite song ("Running With The Night" is currently a hot title) on the trunk, directly facing the car behind you.
Speaking of music, a tape featuring the following songs recorded over and over should be played at unsafe decibel levels whenever in public ( a little known fact is that most cugines often listen to Beethoven or Bach in private): "Born to be Alive" by Patrick Hernandez, "All Night Passion" by Alisha, "It's Like That" by Run D.M.C, anything from the soundtrack of "Krush Groove" and finally "The Roof Is On Fire" by Grandmaster Scott, which should be mixed into to every other song on the tape.
Now you're ready to cruise 86th Street, a veritable smorgasbord of "cuginettes" which if you haven't already figured it out, are the female counterparts to cugines. Roll down the windows, shine all interior car lights on your well polished disco ball, and crank the tunes. Use your new "rap" fearlessly and good luck! The cuginettes will flock to you like bees to honey - you know all the lingo to make them swoon!
Following a successful night of cruising, head directly for the Vegas Diner, at the end of 86th Street. Order what everybody else does, to make division of the check easier. For this purpose the Vegas Diner only makes Deluxe Cheeseburgers and Cokes from 11 p.m. on so you'll know just what to choose.
Now that you've ditched the girl with whom you've swapped tongues for the past two hours, speak poorly of her to all your friends, reasserting your position as a ladies man. Upon exiting the diner, you can join in the fun and frolic of relieving yourself in the Vegas Diner's parking lot, a great way to establish a lasting bond with your new cugine buddies.
There you have it, your first of many fun-filled nights as a Brooklyn cugine. With the help of this handy start-to-finish guide, you'll be the talk of 86th Street in no time flat. So until next time, "teggedecce."
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