Ask Problem guy!

Dear PG,

I've made a real mess of things with my girlfriend. Last Saturday I planned a romantic evening for us and everything that could have gone wrong did.

I put on some smooth Barry White (The Greatest Hits, featuring "Please, Baby, Please Let Me Get In The Back Door"), lit candles everywhere, drenched the floor with rose petals from the front door to the bedroom.

Burned some incense (Oregano Supreme), brought out the lotions (a choice of Strawberry Fondue or Mint Clam Chowder), put on my smoking jacket, trimmed my boys and I was ready to go.

Well, here's what happened. My girlfriend dropped her keys outside the door and I though she was knocking, so when I opened it, I tripped over her into the hallway. On my back, the "boys" were exposed and the McFeeny's cat from down the hall jumped on my crotch and scratched them up. I screamed like a girl.

My girlfriend tried to help me up and caught the doorknob with her face and went down like a sack of rocks. I jumped up and picked her up off the floor. When I stepped through the door, I slipped on the rose petals and shot across the room, tossing my girlfriend into the lit candles which set the living room on fire.

I found my way to the kitchen but the fire extingushier was gone so I grabbed the nearest thing which was a bottle of cognac which set the rest of the apartment ablaze.

The last thing I remember was my girlfriend giving me the finger as she left. I woke up outside on the street getting mouth to mouth from a huge paramedic whose nickname is Juggernaut and now has a giant crush on me.

So how do I get smoke and soot stains out of my drapes?

Advice: You soak the drapes in equal parts tomato sauce, Liquid Plumbr, seltzer and a dash of Paprika. Hang them to dry in the hot sun until the stench draws the attention of The Department of Public Health. After you pay the fine, toss the drapes out and buy new ones.