I think my other cape is at the drycleaners

MTV/Sci-Fi Networks Application for Who Wants to Be A Superhero

Superhero Name:

Captain Bloomers

Non Superhero Identity and Occupation:

Ernie J. Scavullo, Veterinarian’s Assistant

Describe your superhero's physical appearance:

Captain Bloomers wears a fetching velour skintight outfit, with stylish shoulder pads, big ole boots and a really sweet cape, which always hangs at a rakish angle for publicity photos with babes that I have just rescued.

I have a mole on my left butt cheek. (At least I hope it’s a mole.)

6 foot 1, 240 lbs. – (Due to my losing battle with my arch nemesis Sam Adams.)

What 3 primary powers does your superhero have:

I can fly, of course. At speeds of almost 40 miles an hour!

Can tell at a glance if someone is wearing Boxers or Briefs.

Can spell really good.

What secondary abilities or skills does your superhero have:

Computer Game Wizard (I got to level 3 in Grand Theft Auto just this week!)

Amateur Chef. (I make a mean chicken broccoli casserole)

I have the uncanny ability to match my socks even in the dark.

What special weapons or tools does your superhero have:

An assortment of Atomic Underwear^® to hurl at my enemies. I keep them tucked into my waistband during epic battles and other Kirbyesque confrontations.

And I always keep my dry cleaning tickets (Big Frenchie’s, on Third Avenue) with me, otherwise I forget to pick up my other outfits.

What does your superhero do when not fighting crime:

Veterinarian Assistant. I am in charge of hamster vaccinations and litter box cleanout. I hope to move up to Guinea Pig vaccinations within the year.

Does your superhero have any talents or hobbies:

Nothing that I can discuss in polite company.

Does your superhero have any specific code of conduct, for example wont kill:

Won’t cry in front of a woman – (Unless we’re watching The Bridges of Madison County, I’m only human after all.)

Describe your superhero's personality:

Cheeky but with a sense of danger.

Smarmy but with a sense of whimsy.

I’m the type of guy who laughs at senior citizens who send soup back because it’s too hot. That always cracks me up.

How does your superhero transform:

I lean against a wall to pull on my boots and ask a passerby to tie on my cape. But sometimes I can do it all by myself.

What is your superhero's motivation, does he have any specific ambitions or goals:

I want to defeat evil in all it’s forms, whether it’s a battle with The Electric Wackaloon or evading an insurance salesman. My hope is to found a supergroup that will keep the world safe from evil or to open a Thomas Kinkade Gallery in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. (Those people are in desperate need of some quality art to hang up.)

Does your superhero have a sidekick:

Captain Bloomers works alone but I had a sidekick once, PantyWaist who died in a tragic Victoria's Secret panty sale “incident”. (I’m still too upset to talk about it.)

How does your superhero get around:

I can fly, but landings are real tricky (see my catch phrase below). Most times I take the number 44 bus, it goes right by my house.

What is your superhero's catchphrase:

Watch Your Butt!

What are your superhero's weaknesses:

Allergic to Penicillin. (I go into anaphylactic shock, it’s totally gross)

Highly susceptible to Cooties. (You get it from girls, you know.)

I get dizzy on roller coasters.

Where did your superhero get his powers:

I used to be Inspector 14 for a brand-name underwear manufacturer. During a freak accident, I fell into the elastic applicator machine and when I emerged, I was transformed forever more!

Please tell your superhero's backstory:

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Bastille Day, 1971 and I had just gotten back from my break (having my bell-bottoms widened) when out of the blue we had a indoor cotton hailstorm. I now know it was caused by either a shower of Comic Rays or perhaps an gas explosion in the Elastic Applicator Room (where Ernie works, and he is a man who likes his mexican lunches, if you catch my drift - you know from El Gigundo Burrito where you get a dozen burritos and all the cheese you can carry for $4.99.) I leapt into action to see if anyone was hurt and upon entering the room, tripped into the Elastic Applicator Machine.

Somehow the unstable elastic molecules interacted with a few squirts of hot sauce (from Ernie's shirt – tragically all that was left of him.) Once I crawled from the wreckage, I found that I had a giant pair of bloomers bonded to my head. I designed a costume to match and I have been fighting evil ever since!

Anything else you want us to know?

As Stan Lee’s Number One Fan (by the way, anyone else who writes that is just a big fat liar), I am willing to have Stan Lee’s car waxed and detailed at my own expense weekly, maybe even daily.

And I’m not above shoe shining, doing laundry or offering my first-class services as Mr. Lee’s personal mustache groomer.

Also, I really need this job, my Mom wants me to move out of the basement ASAP.