Lately the media have covered the changes occurring in the motion picture industry. Fears that DVD sales, affordable high-end video and sound systems and the speed at which films are released for purchase are somehow responsible for the drop in movie house attendance.
That’s not what’s turning people away. No, seriously. I’ll tell you what it is…
It has to do with spending concert-level prices just to purchase tickets, popcorn and a soda for two people and God help you if you have a couple of kids to bring along. And don’t get me started on the whole “we have no Small, Small is Medium" crap.
While I can no longer wear anything that is either small or medium, I know there is a difference.
It’s the 20 minutes of LOUD commercials that are played before the previews. Can I tell you that I have never wished burning white-hot death on anyone except the creators of the Fanta soft drink commercials. For sheer annoyance, there is nothing like it in the universe.
It’s the fact that some moviegoers can separate the trailers from the film and keep running their mouths and when asked to please be quiet, then inform you that these are just the trailers. When did people forget that they HAVE to act differently in public than when they are at home?
How is it that grown people, people who managed to get their pants on correctly, find their keys and drive to the theater without hitting anyone can watch the screen and see no less than 3 messages imploring them to turn off their cell phones and yet not be able to remember to do it?
And for that matter, why do people think its OK to take a call during a movie? Would you take a call during a funeral, a book reading, a wedding or during sex? (Paris Hilton is excluded from this question).
Why is it that parents with infants think that because they have found a way to tune out Baby Jessica’s wailing, that everyone around them can do it as well?
And what’s with parents who don’t read reviews or ratings PRIOR to attending a film so they can avoid exposing their child to something inappropriate. These same bozos then inform everyone they see for the next week how no one warned them that the film was “not for children”?
I’m not a genius, never been to MIT but even without the media coverage, I was certain that a 10-year old is not the appropriate audience for a movie like “Saw”.
I love film of all kinds, I have a library of over 1,000 films. I used to see almost any film that interested me but then I noticed how I was willing to separate those I would watch on the big screen from those I would rent or purchase.
I no longer go to films on weekends or any other time where the audience is littered with idiotic teenager who can't stop talking, old people who can't follow the film and pre-teens who can't sit in the same seat for the duration of the movie.
I have had my fill of crude, rude and obnoxious people. People who although they are over 21 are most certainly not adults. People who may have gone to school but are by no means educated. People who can read but are in no way intelligent.
These are the people that keep me from the theater. So while the movie theaters may be adding digital sound and projection, converting every frigging movie they can into 3D, dropping in more comfortable seats and a wider variety of snacks, these are not the problems to deal with. Here is the solution…
Before each film, post the following sign, a sort of Bill of Rights…
The Movie will start in 5 minutes, other than laughing or crying, SHUT YOUR MOUTH until you see the credits roll.
You are surrounded by OTHER PEOPLE who don’t care if you know the dialogue and don’t want to hear you say “watch this” every 3 minutes.
If you don’t like having your emotions manipulated DON’T GO TO THE MOVIES. People who laugh or say “gimme a break” during tender or sensitive portions of a film are complete imbeciles.
If your cell phone goes off, people near you may SMASH IT into little pieces.
If you take a call, people near you may SMASH YOU into little pieces.
If your child is loaded with soda and will need to PEE every 17 minutes, sit on the damn aisle.
If your child cannot shut up, let him watch movies at home until he understands how to act in public. Children’s movies are exempt from this.
Contrary to beliefs held by stupid people, your purchase of a ticket DOES NOT entitle you to force your opinion or commentary on those around you. SHUT UP.
If you are an OLD PERSON and hard of hearing, stay home. If you think you are yelling to the person next to you (who is also hard of hearing), then you probably are.
If you are in a theater in which a Special Needs group of kids are brought in, you have the choice to stay or leave. You MAY NOT STAY AND MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE. That makes you a PRICK.
Purchasing a ticket does not give you the right to act like the theater is YOUR living room, YOUR private toilet or YOUR kitchen. Public means you are NOT ALONE. SO ACT LIKE IT.
Thanks for listening.
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