Last Thursday I needed to fly to Atlanta for work. Here's some advice for you and I cant stress this enough…never fly on Thursday…or Wednesday or any other day that ends in the letters “d, a, y”. It’s just not worth it.
My flight is on Thursday at 11:00am, departing LaGuardia Airport.
It is currently Monday at 3:17pm.
I will never make it.
Having purchased my ticket successfully despite Continental’s varied and sundry attempts to prevent it, I know there is no turning back.
In an attempt to stave off any issues along the way, I have literally read the entire Continental website and I can assure you that no one (not even the people who wrote it) seems to understand this mammoth hunk of random and seemingly contradictory rules.
I tried to unravel the mystery that is booking a flight on Continental…the best way to describe it would be if you had to sit at the bottom of a 15-foot swimming pool filled with black ink and try to solve a Rubiks Cube that is covered in dead jellyfish…all on a single breath.
Here are some of the stranger things I found…
Online Check-in
You can check in from your home or office or even your mistress’ home (you know who Im talking about…remember Ms. Kitty? Remember how she called you Little BunnyMan?)…anyway… and print your own boarding pass. And starting in March you can have your boarding pass faxed to you when you don't have access to a printer provided you just found out that it's still 1978 and you own a fax machine. Simply choose the "Request Fax" option during the check-in process and then just try and find a fax machine anywhere.
This procedure gives you everything you need to bypass the lines at the airport, head to security and immediately begin the “Have Your Testicles Fondled By a High School Dropout with Cold Hands” portion of your travel. After your sixth x-ray, you may put your clothes back on and if the repeated exposures to radiation haven’t removed it all…comb your hair.
If you have bags to check, you may try and check them. Be optimistic and ask if a Continental representative will be able to put them on the same flight as you. It’s not likely but if you’re very lucky, your possessions will hopefully land at least on the same continent (and perhaps even in the same month) as you. Remember Continental asks that you kindly arrive 17 hours before your flight even if that is a longer period of time than just walking to your destination.*
You can also choose to receive your boarding pass electronically on your mobile phone or PDA when departing from certain cities. Just wave your iPhone at the people in security as you run by and within seconds you will be tasered, handcuffed and strung upside down to the sweet sounds of a rubber glove being slapped on.
* International flights require bags to be checked at least 28 hours prior to departure. Also, those traveling from Atlanta, Las Vegas, New Jersey or South Carolina have our sympathies.
Who Is Eligible to Check In Online?
Your reservation is eligible for check-in provided you can defeat the Cyclops in mortal combat and:
You depart from a U.S. airport or an eligible airport floating within the orbit of Mars.
Your itinerary contains a total of seventeen flight segments or more.
You are traveling with less than 10 persons in your party or less than 6 cats.
Your middle name starts with the letter X.
Reservations with any of the following characteristics are currently not eligible for check-in:
If your breasts have been so augmented, they no longer make an off-the-shelf* bra to contain your assets.
If you plan to squeal about “the man” and his part in covering up OJ’s murder of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.
If you have ever ordered or had to drink anything called an “Appletini”.
Any paper ticketed reservations, unless it’s on really nice paper like what they print wedding invitations on.
*I was going to say “off the rack” but I thought it was too many boob jokes at once.
Frequently Asked Questions about check-in:
Can I use my cell phone or other hand-held device to check in?
You can try.
What if my computer fails to print the boarding pass?
Then you must pull the power cord from the wall socket and whip the computer mercilessly.
May I check-in for my return flight even though I don't have access to a printer?
Really? You want to know if you can print something without having a printer? Sure, in the same way that you can eat without having any food, breathe without having any air and fuck without having a sexual partner.
Will I be notified and re-accommodated if my flight changes or is canceled after I check in?
Nope…it’s Thunderdome, baby. Every passenger for himself. The only way you’ll know that your flight has been cancelled is if you see its flaming wreckage lying all over the tarmac. Otherwise, your flight remains “On Schedule”. Whatever the hell that means.
What if I want to change my flight but I've already checked in?
I believe Jesus said it best: “too bad, so sad”.
Can I check-in if I bought my ticket at a travel agency?
If you are too stupid to buy your own ticket, then you are too stupid to use the internet, so you probably aren’t reading this.
How do I use Auto Check-in?
Your journey will be easier with our new Auto Check-in because the most convenient way to check-in is to make it automatic. Auto Check-in does the work while you relax. All you need to do is race at upwards of 80 miles an hour through our Auto Check-In kiosk, as you pass by, hurl your crumpled up ticket at the kiosk window. Within seconds, one of our highly trained associates will deposit your ticket in the trash.
Flight Status and Information:
We offer a variety of ways to keep up to date on your travel schedule with our online flight status tools.
TripAlert is a service that will notify you every time you travel if your flight is on time, delayed, irrevocably lost in the Bermuda Triangle, the victim of a warp in the space-time continuum, depressed, ill with the flu, cancelled or any other clever excuses we can make up behind the counter.
Please understand that a flight listed as "Delayed" may, depending on the circumstances, depart "On Time." Flights that are currently in the air, half way to their destination may be listed as “Missing”. Flights that have been smashed into pieces by Godzilla may be listed as “Routine Maintenance” and flights that arrive on time to their correct destination will be listed as “Rare”. Unless your flight has been listed as "Cancelled" which is our code for “Went Too High - Burned Up On ReEntry” we suggest you always check-in for the original scheduled departure time of your flight.
Travelling with Animals:
Continental is committed to providing a safe and comfortable travel experience for all of our customers, including pets. And by that we mean that we place as high a priority on you in seat 8A that we do on a filthy, inbred schnauzer with a urinary tract infection named Zeke currently floundering in our cargo hold. Because we share our customers' concern that their pets' flights are stress-free, we tranquilize the crap out of them with hotdogs loaded with barbiturates. Don’t you wish you could do that at home? Our program is called PetSafe®. Under this program, Continental does not accept pets as checked baggage but we sure as hell treat them like it.
The program offers the following options:
Customers can track their animals online at Continental's cargo Web site. This ensures that you know in real-time just how much of the cargo bay is being smeared with panic-pee and terror-diarrhea by your “wittle woogums”. Then you can be prepared with a whole hell of a lot of towels and some bleach upon arrival.
Continental will continue to accept small pets for travel in-cabin. By small pets, we mean those ridiculously sized, hi-pitch whining, hairy creatures that are usually carried in an oversized bag by Paris Hilton. Actually that also describes Paris Hilton herself.
Continental's policy for service animals, such as seeing-eye dogs, has not changed, and they will continue to be welcomed on board and allowed to fly the planes should the pilots become sleepy.
Baggage Frequently Asked Questions
Do I need to be concerned about excess baggage embargoes?
If you have excess baggage, then yes.
I left an item on my flight or at the airport. How do I contact Lost and Found?
You can contact Continental Airlines or pretty much anyone else you like…it aint gonna get found.
What do I do if I have damaged baggage?
If you have damaged baggage? Have you seen who we employ here? These guys are only slightly more gentle than gorillas on heroin and not nearly as bright. All damaged items should be reported in person prior to leaving the airport. Or if you want to save some time, report the damage before your flight even takes off. There’s a very good chance your shit got broken the moment you handed it to the skycap. But that’s what you get for tipping a dollar a bag.
What do I do if I have delayed or missing baggage?
You got me on this one, I don’t see how it’s possible for your luggage to be delayed if you aren’t delayed along with it.
What are the baggage limits for domestic economy class travel?
For maximum baggage weight and size restrictions see the Checked Baggage policy. You can carry:
A purse and a box of tampons or
One wallet and one Batman lunchbox or
A set of regulation golf clubs provided you don’t bring along any ugly golf pants or
A cat carrier filled with pre-1979 issues of National Geographic or
The entire double-bass drum kit from Lars Ulrich of Metallica, provided you can fit it into the overhead bin.
What are the carry-on baggage limits for international travel?
There are no limits on those flights, you will find people who brought along the family goat.
Personal Electronic Devices
It has been determined that certain electronic devices could cause minor interference with aircraft navigational instruments. And let's be honest we’re 100 tons of dead weight falling through the air at hundreds of miles an hour, do you really want to tempt fate here? So, restrictions on the use of personal electronic devices are necessary.
Passengers may turn on and use cellular phones only when the main cabin door is open. This way the electrical voodoo energy from the phone calls can escape out the door before take off. Pagers may be used to receive messages at any time. I guess that’s a different kind of voodoo.
Devices that may be used only when the aircraft is above 10,000 feet in altitude:
Electronic games (including the award winning Grand Theft Auto 9: Shotgun Hookers Boulevard).
Personal computers (impersonal ones as well).
Radios (this is in case you manage to play the new hit by Lady “I ripped off Madonna” GaGa and it makes the pilots try to crash the plane).
Calculators - (this one is just for shits and giggles, good luck finding a calculator that you plug in).
Women’s Sex Toys (if you were born before 1956, that’s neck massagers to you).
Shavers (there is no manscaping on any Continental flight).
Electric Snuggie.
Devices that are not permitted for use at any time:
Car battery hooked up to nipples. (Excludes First Class Passengers, ask for Helga).
TVs under 82 inches.
Radio controlled hovercraft with bitchin’ pirate flag sticker on side.
Door Buzzer that plays la Cucaracha when pressed.
Victrola Phonograph, circa 1923.
Passengers are allowed to use headsets during taxi, take-off, landing and crashes to drown out the terrified screams of the other passengers.
Passengers may always use any medically prescribed, physiological instrument, such as a hearing aid, Electric Tittalini ® or pacemakers.
Happy Travels!
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