To: The Best Staff in the World
From: Your Trusted Friends in Management
As we enter these uncertain times, we feel its best to try and curtail some costs so that we may emerge from this economic slowdown in a better position to keep doing what we do. To that end, we have instituted some new (hopefully low-impact policies) to help us reach our goal.
We have purchased sets of glassware and metal utensils to cut down on the monthly costs of papergoods.
Company meals are now limited to $10 per person for reimbursement
The company nurse has been furloughed. First Aid Kits are now available in each studio.
We have switched to a slightly cheaper brand of toilet paper for the time being.
On sunny days we will open all the shades and turn off the lights to conserve electricity.
We must insist on no new purchases for the library at this time.
Company Insurance will no longer cover cosmetic procedures such as teeth whitening.
To: Those Still Employed
From: Us
As you’ve noticed, our economic slowdown is turning into a depression. On the downside we have had to let go of 50% of the staff, on the upside only 50% of those people are suing us for unfair termination. But keep your heads up, we have a plan. We have some new (and Im sorry to say, stricter) policies which we must enact. Remember this is only temporary.
We had to sell the glassware and utensils. Please drink directly from the faucet and eat your meals over the sink with your hands. This costs $2 per person, please leave your money in the tip jar next to the fridge.
Company meals are no longer reimbursed.
We have abandoned the First Aid kits so if you cut yourself, please go outside to bleed. Your salary will be docked until your wound clots and you can return to your desk.
We have replaced the bathroom toilet paper with low-grit sandpaper. It’s quite bracing!
On cloudy days we will work by candle.
We will be selling books from the library so we can keep the heat on this winter.
Company insurance will not cover hearts attacks unless they are actively happening at the time of the claim.
To: The Savages on the Fifth Floor
From: We Who Sit in Judgement
Ok…its basically a giant hairy financial shitstorm out there and this is how we're gonna deal with it…
Please do not eat in the office anymore, the larger rats have become quite bold. Emma from Accounting was dragged off last week and no one has seen her since.
Company meals? Ha!
First Aid now consists of 4 assorted bandaids and half a bottle of Mylanta
No toilet paper. Please rinse the rag after you use it
Work must be completed by the glow of the EXIT signs.
The remaining library books will be burned for heat this winter.
Company insurance no longer reimburses the families of those employees who are carried off by rats.
With your cooperation and understanding, there is no reason why we cant weather this storm together.
Freakin' hilarious!!!
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