August 17, 1989...

From the personal journal of Captain Jack Koosteau...

Here we are on the deck of The Filthy Weasel, a re-purposed Alaskan seal-smacker boat. Our trip long and arduous, we had traveled some 2 and a half miles to get here to the Bay of Booyah.

Here we would begin our study of the rare and elusive Three-Assed Zebra Fish. To give you an idea of the drama and intrigue facing us in this most-remote part of Long Island Sound, I have turned to my diary…

Day One: Hopes are high as we search the fetid grey waters for our quarry. The air is electric or that may be the smell of ozone coming from a nearby sewage treatment plant. Finding the TAZF will be the culmination of my rich and varied career as it has never been filmed in its natural habitat. Dinner was a hoagie from Subway chased with a single micro-waved jalapeno popper.

Day Two: The crew is surly, the tension palpable, Pito Hoonk, the crew bait-master has been eating the chum. I’m fairly certain he is a foreigner as he speaks in clicks and whistles like a dolphin except when he sleeps whereupon he often sits up in his bunk and screeches “No!… she is the too much hairy”!

Day Three: Our quarry has yet to show herself, the crew talk of mutiny and I would be more worried if we weren’t such a close family.

Day Four: Pito tried to kill me today by scraping my eyebrows off with a fishbone comb. I repelled him with a fresh bar of soap. He ran screaming to the galley.

Day Twelve: Crazed Savages! By God, they were hideous, decked out in war paint and feathers, their howling chants crashed upon our ship, the pounding drum beats have made the ships mascot sterile. We waited until they were well away before resuming our game of Uno. Addendum: Apparently the owners of Princess Cruise Lines took exception to my referring to their guests as crazed savages, remember to correct this entry before publishing.

Day Eighteen: Finally some progress. After chuming the waters for 5 days… the Coast Guard ordered us to stop. Pito was chagrined.

Day TwentyTwo: We have almost run out of food. I sent Thomas and the cook to shore. They refused to return. I can see them on the beach, eating their McDonalds and giving me the finger. Oh Ho! Good one lads! Note: we are out of Ranch Flavored Cheetos.

Day Thirty Three: Pito and I remain resolute in our mission but alas we are unable to find the fabled TAZF. We have finished the bait, the stale Yodels and even made an attempt to eat the ship’s mascot Binkles, but he too jumped overboard and made his way to shore. It appears our mission is a failure. Pito’s last words to me as we make for shore, “You like the too much hairy too”?

I slap him.

Marriage Quiz...

With all due respect to the great Dave Barry...

12 questions. - A = 5 points, B = 3 points, C = 1 point.

37-60 points means you most likely engaged in filthy carnal acts in a parking lot within 15 minutes of meeting for the first time.

13-36 points means you can concoct dirty scenarios but rarely find the time, parakeet feathers or Playdoh with which to initiate those ideas.

1-12 points means you have been married for more than 15 years and honestly believe that seeing each other naked should happen only on rare occasions such as to celebrate shuttle launches.

1. Our level of physical affection is:

A. Whenever we are in the same room, furniture gets broken, various fluids are exchanged and the cat ends up superglued to the ceiling.

B. When we pass in the hall we slap each others asses and call each other by pet names like "PimpleButt".

C. We pass the time during commercial breaks checking each other's butts for actual pimples.

2. How would you describe your spouse?

A. As a total sex god / sex goddess.

B. Occasional sex freak depending on if we have saran wrap, ice and chopsticks on hand.

C. From their latest mugshot.

3. In the past your ideal romantic evening began with:

A. A visit from the police complaining about all the howler monkeys and water cannons filled with ladies underwear.

B. Candles, wine and furry handcuffs.

C. A shot of penicillin.

4. In the past your ideal romantic evening ended with:

A. Arrest and a summons from animal control for the howler monkeys.

B. Burn Cream, Alka Seltzer and a visit from the locksmith.

C. Another stronger dose of Penicillin.

5. When faced with a crisis in our marriage, we go for:

A. Drinks.

B. Counseling.

C. Our assault rifles.

6. We decide who gets to shower first each morning by:

A. Flipping a coin.

B. Taking turns.

C. Knife fight to the death.

7. Under the effects of truth serum, I would reveal:

A. My intense love for my spouse.

B. The college incident where I "experimented" with a chicken.

C. The address for my mistress / gigolo.

8. When dealing with an uncooperative child, we use

A. Patience and understanding.

B. The promise of a new toy and some candy.

C. Deadly force.

9. Women: What was the last book you read:

A. "Your Marriage, How to Make it Great".

B. "Rachael Ray's Cook Like a Miserable Celebrity Asshole".

C. "Edwina's Heaving Golden Bosoms" - Harlequin Romance No 5,879 by Eduardo "StudMuffin" Galoopi.

10. Men: What was the last book you read:

A. "Your Marriage: Why Women Cant Just Shut Up and Hump Like Bunnies".

B. "Penthouse Magazine's Totally, 100% True Uncensored Letters" No. 89.

C. The back of a box of Nutter Butters.

11. Women: What do you wear in the evening to entice your spouse to bed?

A. A see-thru negligee from Fredricks of Hollywood.

B. A semi- transparent t-shirt from Frank's of Downtown Delaware.

C. Twillight Sweatshirt stained with chocolate ice cream, hair in a half-assed ponytail.

12. Men: What do you wear in the evening to entice your spouse to bed?

A. A pair of silk boxers.

B. Nothin'...pants come off when I get home and thats how I go to bed. Take it or leave it.

C. Stained, unwashed pair of Batman pajama bottoms.

Now add up all your points and find a good marriage counselor ASAP.

Ask Problem guy!

Dear Problem Guy,

I just got back from my vacation and I had the worst flight coming back. I booked my flight to St. Louis on an airline whose name I won't mention.

Needless to say the flight was oversold by 200% so there were three people fighting for every seat. The flight was delayed an hour due to, get this, too much sunshine. Then they started boarding us. One seat number at a time until they filled the first 5 rows, then they announced a free-for-all for the remaining seats.

A mad dash ensued with the old, crippled and children tossed aside like so much holiday fruitcake. I finally got to my seat, last row, next to the broken toilet only to find that the guy in front of me had somehow crammed an upright player piano into the overhead bin.

So I had to sit with my suitcase in my lap next to a sweaty, mouth-breathing, stink machine with a bad comb-over who insisted on farting every 6 minutes precisely until a miasma of hazy gas settled over us making me wish I had been seated on the wing of the plane

Three hours late and we finally took off, then the pilot comes on to announce that we will be delayed slightly due to an outbreak of dusk. So when the sun finally sets we get in a line of planes so long that the first plane is being piloted by Amelia Earheart.

Finally we are off. The flight attendant nearest my seat begins to show the emergency instructions which at this point I hope I will have occasion to use. Hopefully before I am overcome by the sweat storm being emitted by my seatmate.

Half-way through the flight, the attendants decide to feed the cattle so they bring out a cart containing no less than 2,000 previously-frozen, previously-heated up and possibly previously-eaten meals for us.

The choice was A. Chicken Cordon-Blech or B. Sandwich of Indeterminent Age. I chose C. Skip Food Poisoning. Rather than spend time giving out drinks. The attendants had the pilot go into a steep 3G climb at which point the drink cart was launched down the aisle. Anything you snatched off the cart, you could keep. I missed a ginger ale by a inch but did get a lovely wrist fracture instead.

The pilot announced we were about to begin our descent at which time, the animal next to me overpowered the oxygen sensors, causing the masks to drop down. For the first time on that flight I was able to breathe fresh air.

As we descended, the drink cart shot back up front and the pilot made an attempt to land on a runway several thousand feet shorter than it should have been. We crashed into the gate and had to deplane by falling down those big foam slides.

Mine was half inflated so I broke my leg. As the paramedics lifted me onto the stretcher, the flight attendant slapped me but my trip was finally over.

Now I think I'm in love with the guy who sat next to me. What should I do?

Advice: I have no idea, to be honest your letter was so long, I zoned out after the fourth paragraph.

Grapefruit Juice and Toothpaste

Things that really piss me off...

Men who wear hats indoors. These "people" should be dragged into the street and have their heads shaven. Take your freakin hat off! If you didn't have time to wash your hair, then don't go out in public. If you have a hairline that is not of this earth, then dont subject us to it, if your frat brothers wrote something embrassing on your head, then show us, it's the only way you'll learn not to do it again.

People who tell other people that their cat/dog/lizard/fish etc. is exactly like having children. If you dont know why this is stupid, then you dont have children.

People who announce they aren’t racist and then tell a racist joke. If you have to prepare people for a joke you find insensitive, then it's not a joke you should tell.

Weathermen...the greatest job ever created. You dont have to be right...EVER. Despite the fact that you have access to technology so powerful it can detect a mosquito farting in Kansas, you still cant tell us if it will rain or be sunny on the very next day.

Anyone who wears their pants so low that they would be unable to run if they had to.These people should be laid out and have hot asphalt poured over them. They will never contribute to society in any way. At least this way, they'll be a place you can park your car.

Anyone who says “Know whut Im sayin”. These people never have any idea what they are saying.

People who say “that’s so funny” but don’t laugh. If you have to announce that something is funny, then you never had or ever will develop a sense of humor.

Anyone with diamonds in their teeth.

Anyone with a “My kid is an honor roll student” sticker on their bumper. No one cares, trust me. No one has ever gone home and said, "I was behind a Toyota Civic today and would you believe it, the driver's kid is an honor roll student"! And don't tell me that you put the stickers on your car for you, thats bullshit. Anyone who puts a sticker on the back of their car is doing so in the hopes that someone else will read it. If it was really just for you, you'd keep it to yourself.

Construction workers who believe that women are absolutely captivated by their hoots and hollers. I was a construction worker for 7 years and not once could I convince one of these street-level romeos that yelling "nice ass"! wasnt going to get them a date.

People who talk during movies. If you want to talk, go to a coffee shop. If you are so dumb you cant follow the movie and have to ask someone, you clearly aren't ready to be in public without supervision so stay the hell home.

People who talk on their phones while they drive. If you are looking to have an accident, go into your kitchen, get a frying pan and smack yourself in the head with it, at least that way, you are the only person who will get hurt.

Paris Hilton...I dont think I need to say anything else.

Guys that wear their school rings or letter jackets even when they’re in their 40’s and 50’s. Just really and truly sad. Its over... you may have made a winning throw when you were 17 but now you're just another schmuck like the rest of us.

People who wear sunglasses indoors and especially when eating with friends and/or family.

Dogs with Bulging Eyes

People who cant ignore a ringing phone.

Anyone who looks at a home library and says “Have you read all these books”? This means the last thing they read was half of the back of a box of Frosted Flakes.

People who think comics are just for kids, basing their opinion on a handful of Casper the Friendly Ghost comics they read when they were 5 years old.

People who complain about everything. HA!

People who dont watch Firefly or the new Battlestar Galactica

People who do watch American Idol.

Paris Hilton...she really needs to be on this list more than once.

Support our troops bumper stickers. This is stupid, everyone supports the troops, they don't make policy, the idiots in the government do...hate them if you like.

Literally...

From: David
To: Alexis
Subject: Could you clear something up for me?

…is that Elton John song, “Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer” or Hold My Clothespins Tony Danza”?

From: Alexis
To: David
Subject: RE: Could you clear something up for me?

I’ve often wondered the same thing. also, is the line in Purple Haze “excuse me while I kiss the sky” or “excuse me while I kiss this guy”?

From: David
To: Alexis
Subject: RE: Could you clear something up for me?

Both are incorrect as proven in the great cinematic masterpiece ‘Nice Dreams” starring the inexorable and always effervescent Cheech and Chong. At one point in the film, the guys are locked in an insane asylum and the guy onstage (complete with insanely high afro and mop handle for a guitar) sings…

“Purple Haze all in my brain”.

“What’s this negro doin on the stage”?

“Im actin funny but I don’t know why”.

“Scuse me while I kiss this fly”.

Then he makes the sound of a fly screaming “help me” and he kisses it.

I hope this clears things up.

Sarcastic?

From: Sarah
To: David

Subject: Travel Arrangements?

David,

Do you know what kind of plane you booked me on?

From: David
To: Sarah
Subject: Travel Arrangements?

Im not entirely sure. I saw a photo of the plane and it appears to be a refurbished 1937 DeHavilland that was used for most of its time to transport live chickens from DeMoines to upstate New York, somewhere near Schenectady.

It seemed a bit beat up but I’ve been assured by the pilot that both propellers have never failed at the same time so you should be fine so long as you pack light.

David

Ask Problem guy!

Dear Problem Guy,

I am currently incarcerated at El Juepo Verde Maximum Security Prison. Some background...last month my fiancé invites her parents over for dinner and a friendly game of Scrabble.

Now, I think I can get along with just about anybody but these two really test my limits. My father-in-law to be is to put it simply a neanderthal. His great pleasures in life are squeezing bugs, coming up with nicknames for his wife's ass and slapping me on the back hard enough to fracture my ribs.

The wife is no better, everything, everywhere is wrong and she will tell you why.

Anyway, after a fine dinner of Chateaubriand and sauteed asparagus spears we adjourned to the smoking room for a fine snifter of Armagnac brandy and some good conversation.

Not really, We had Spamburgers and coleslaw and then we opened up the wobbly three-legged card table and set down to play Scrabble.

After five hours of only two and three-letter words, my fiancé's father tried to spell the word "boat" with an "r" and I crammed my remaining tiles down his throat.

So that's what happened. Anyway what I want to know is this: I'm in here for the next 25 years so do I have to make my bed every day or not?

Advice: Probably not since you will be spending most of your nights hiding in the corner from your cellmate "Tank" and thinking of creative ways to stay awake while clenching your butt cheeks.