I think we're drifting….

L: Have you heard about this Telepresence thing we have to attend…

M: No, who has to go?

L: Me and Steve, it's a…

M: I love your necklace... that’s so great.

L: So we have to attend this…

M: Let me ask you something, what did you ever to with the blue dress I gave you.

L: Oh I wear it all the time.

M: How did you get the ink out?

L: I just washed it.

M: Oh good.

L: Are you in London for thanksgiving week?

M: Nope, the week before.

L: Ok good I wasn’t sure.

M: So what’s up?

L: So we are supposed to do this telepresence event on Wednesd…

M: Where is my pen?

L: I'm not sure, I...

M: So I talked to Ella yesterday, she went into the hospital again.

L: Oh my god, why?

M: So what about this telepresence thing.

L: Oh..it's a meeting for new Associ-

M: Are you going to Whole Foods today.

L: Of course, how about 12:3-

M: You know that package still hasn't arrived yet…DAVID! Where is my package!

L: He's not at his desk.

M: Of course not, so what about that telepresence thing?

For the record, I was at my desk, it's the only way I could have heard this entire assault on the art of conversation. At this point the conversation trailed off and then L returned to her desk with no further progress about whether or not to attend the event on Wednesday.

Scooty Puff Jr.

Years ago, there was an episode of Futurama called "The Why of Fry". In it, the dimwitted character Fry learns of his true reason for existing. He is the last line of defense against an alien invasion.

When he finally gets his chance to ride into battle, he is issued a child's scooter called the Scooty Puff Jr.  It's basically a giant wind up toy that he will use to get him into the thick of an impending alien apocalypse...sounds impressive, no?

So every morning on my way to work I see this parade of grown men, many dressed in suits who are doing something just terribly stupid looking, I'm sure some of you have seen it…it looks like this…

and this

Shouldn't there be a point at which grown men should not be commuting to work on skateboards and/or razor scooters?

Surely there is a logical point at which they get out of bed and say to themselves…

"Hell, (or possible "Heck") I'm a 35 year old adult, I have a reasonably well paying job pushing papers around, 2 weeks of vacation per year, a decent health plan and what looks, to the casual observer like a half way decent relationship that wasn't instigated on J-date or thru the use of Rohypnol. Perhaps I should not take my skateboard which most people give up at age 15 and actually take the subway LIKE A FUCKIN GROWN UP"!

Everytime I see one of these guys I think they should be going "Wheeeeee!" as they bounce down the street.

At least then I wouldn't feel embarrassed for them.

gud engleesh...

More often lately, I'm seeing people taking phrases that already had meaning for the majority of the population and changing them so it means something else...


Out of Pocket.

“Im overseas and my phone doesn't get service so I'll be out of pocket for a for days”.

The original phrase has nothing to do with being reachable or connected.

You can be out of pockets if you have  poorly made pants.

You can be out of pocket if you are very small and just climbed out of a pool table.

“Im travelling for work so until I get back, I'm out of pocket for gas and tolls”.
This is the correct phrase. Stop changing shit that works, dammit!


Revert Back.

“We received the documents, we will revert back to you with questions”.

You cannot “revert back” revert means to return to a previous state, therefore revert back means "to go back, back”. So if you go back and then back again, you will find yourself where you started when you wrote that stupid sentence in the first place.

Adults shouldn't say things like this unless they managed to graduate college without taking a single course in English or Grammar. It's that simple.

Gimme a W…Gimme a T…Gimme an F...

I've tried to understand Cheerleaders... I mean I didn't give them much thought before I had a daughter. But now its come up and it takes me back to my college days… you know back when I was matriculating with Calvin Coolidge.

We used to ride our comically large wheeled bikes and try and glimpse a bare ankle or two on the way to our Economics of the New Deal class...

OK, so I'm not that old…anyway…

At the University of South Carolina (motto deleted for decency's sake), I learned just how shallow and demented people can be about this so called "sport". First lets get that out of the way, I do not doubt it takes a long time and dedication to train to do the physical part, the acrobatics are clearly difficult.

However, I always questioned this idea that somehow the cheerleaders and their lesser weenies, the pep squad have any bearing whatsoever on the sport being played. 

I'm reasonably certain and I encourage someone to prove me wrong, (if only to help me sleep at night) that nothing even remotely close to the following conversation has ever taken place anywhere on the planet in the history of forever…

Saturday night 8:48pm

USC is losing to its arch rival Clemson University: 14 to 44. 

There are 13 seconds left in the game.

The team is despondent, they are losing again! There seems to be no way to turn this around.

Quarterback calls a huddle: "Guys, I gotta be honest, I don't have a way through here. Lets just run the clock out".

Head Cheerleader overhears this and runs (bounds like a gazelle) over to the huddle.

She speaks in a overly peppy tone that wouldn't be out of place in a mental institution and she wears a grin that is the whole reason that Batman stills hunts in Gotham…

"Don't worry, guys! We are going to do the best cheer you have ever heard! And you guys will be so inspired that you'll be able to win this game even though the time left on the clock is barely long enough to measure a frog's fart"!

Quarterback: "Guys, she's right! We don't need tactics or skill or performance, we have a group of loud imbeciles who will chant poorly made-up rhymes. That's how we're gonna win"!

The Cheerleaders run out to the edge of the field and form into some sort of elaborate shape.

This is their moment, what they've been training for for months and months, they have endured ridicule at the hands of the smarter and more productive students but now its their time to shine.

Head Cheerleader: "Ready guys! Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who-BWAAAAAAAAAMMMMP"!

And the clock runs out.

A CEO says what?

Me: Are you available?

CEO: For a movie deal, dinner, or to meet the Queen?

Me: No... nothing silly like that. I was thinking you could get a Batman costume and I would be Robin and we could fight crime in the streets of London… Well, until we were inevitably arrested, of course.

Also could you look at this NDA so I can get the client to send me the background files? 

P.S. Also let me know about the whole crime-fighting thing so I can book my flight.

CEO: I was thinking League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I'll be Sean Connery.  I'm working on the accent.

Me: The League…really? Ok but then I get to be Captain Nemo. 

CEO: Better than Robin!

Me: Man! Everyone dumps on Robin.

Until death do us part...

Mr. and Mrs; Slowdunker, attached is your wedding program event schedule, with comments. Please take a few moments to review and let us know if you have any questions. We want to ensure that you and your loved ones make memories that will be forever lodged in your brain like a six-inch rusty nail in an old tractor tire.

On behalf of myself, the esteemed Richard "Dick" Roger Turgid Johnson Jr. and the almost-capable staff here at WillowGreen, we know we will make your daughter's wedding day a special one. 

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Programme - Saturday, July 4, 2009 - Rain or Shine

Location: The WillowGreen Pines and Discount Golf Resort Phase IV.

Location Description: Phase IV is located on three and a half acres of semi-manicured property…"semi" on account of that big dead patch of grass near the groundhog den. And mind the electric fence, Milo touched that a year ago and he still can't pee without shaking.

Groom: Horace Earnhardt Terwilliger III, if we get him out of the drunk tank on time.

Bride: Mylene Suzanne Slowdunker.

Wedding Party

Officiate: The Extremely Reverend and oh so Honorable Thaddeus T. Bookman III.

Maid of Honor: Hillary, The last unwed girlfriend.

Best Man: Well, the bride didn't think he was "the best", if you catch my drift. Thats why she's marrying the other dude.

Readers: Troy "Tonka" Perkins will recite from memory the Lord's Prayer as best he can remember it so be ready for five full minutes of stuttering and a bunch of accidental cursing. Please remember, Troy needs to be cuffed to Officer Thompson throughout the reading...Warden Jeffries' orders.

Procession Order -
Groomsmen: Heavy James and Rollo
Junior Usher: Little Rollo
Backup Usher: Billy from down at the bait shop
Usher who can't handle the pressure: Kyle
Ring Bearer who drops the rings: Kyle's little brother Kevin
Flower Girl who throws all the flowers at the start and has nothing left by the time she reaches the altar: Sophie
Parents of Bride: Arthur and Janet
Parents of Groom: Guillermo and Alma
Girlfriend of the Extremely Reverend Thaddeus T. Bookman III: Mistique

Music:
Original Steve and his Authentic Pre-1985 SuperBass Quad-Speaker / Dual Woofer Boombox. Feel free to have the guests bring their own mix-tapes.

Bible:
By God

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Schedule

9:00 Tent goes up,  chairs go out and we chase the really aggressive squirrels out of the trees.

9:30 Beer fountain gets setup, Milo will mix together one 50 gallon drum of pecans and one 50 gallon drum of regular peanuts, that there's your appetizer.

9:45 Mosquito spraying, Milo please remember to cover the mixed nuts.

10:00 Placement of the Nascar 2007 Winner Circle Banner. A moment of silence for American Hero Dale Earnhardt.

10:15: Remove screw tops from wine to let them get some air, set out Solo cups and napkins.

10:30: BBQ Pit set up on the wedding grounds, all food items including wedding cake to be slathered in Willowgreens famous homemade "It's So Damn Good, Make You Slap Yo Momma" Mustard Sauce.

10:45: Drinks, chatting with the guests and wandering the Phase IV grounds. Again, mind the electric fence.

11:00: Last chance to take a whiz before the ceremony.

11:15: Guests are shown to their seats, please stay to the left if you are on the bride's side, on the right if on the groom's side and just stand near the back if you came to see if Horace and Mylene go through with this whole mess.

11:30: 15 minute warning, last chance to pull out. I'm sure Mylene wishes she had that warning 8 1/2 months ago.

11:45 Ceremony begins. Procession walks down to a medley of AC/DC's Back in Black, Testament's Practice What you Preach, Suicidal Tendencies Trip at the Brain and Handel's Messiah.

12:00 Recession: Emma Louise will lead the guests in singing Dance All Over Your Face by KISS.

12:05: Chase the squirrels and crows out of the onion dip, tap the kegs and strap on the feedbags!

3:15: Clear out…we got Old Man Fooberman's Funeral at 3:30. As Jesus said after the Last Supper, "You don't gotta go home but you gotta get the hell outta here".*

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* The Bible, Page 861 - Uripadees Upayfordees - Chapter 3 and 4 -Verses 2 thru 9.

Man, this job is killing me...