Help! I've been Kickstarted...

Welcome Lovers of the Cinema…

It’s me! Ernest “CandyLand” Fwipman III, director of films such as the amazing action cult hit “Don’t Touch My Pits”, the comedy stylings of “What’s That Smell?” and the gentle ennui of "Captain KillFucker and the Kidney Crushing Legion of HellDeath 2:The KillFuckening”.

Since none of the major studios will return my calls after the release of my unjustly maligned “Helen Keller vs. The Terminator", Im looking to make a film on my own outside of the studio system and I need your help.

I’ve written something so special that I can barely keep it to myself. What if I told you that I am creating a movie that combines the comedy stylings of Rob Schneider with the action scenes from Rocky III, the hardcore sex scenes from Attack of the Giant Bosoms III and a dash of Weekend at Bernies 2 and starring Vin Diesel, Helen Mirren and Danny Devito?

Wouldn’t you want to be part of that…a financial part of it at least…please?

Well thats the name of the game here, I need your cash so here is what I’m offering in return for your help (money).

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$5  
Gets you an email wherein I thank you for giving me five bucks. Emails may be ghostwritten by my housekeeper or mechanic.

$20
Digital Download of the final film and a TShirt that says “Who Farted?” Suitable to wear to any important event such as a christening of a child you don’t care for or even a surprise visit with his Holiness, the Pope.

$25 
Digital Download of the final film, plus the T-Shirt plus a copy of my autobiography: Direct This! Muthafucka!”.

$50 
DVD of the film, plus the Digital download plus the shirt, 3 copies of my autobiography and the fan belt from a 1972 Plymouth Scamp.

$75 
Everything from the $50 package plus I'll let you walk my dog for a month

$100 
Everything from the $75 package plus I'll let you watch my kids for the weekend while Im in Vegas.

$250 
You get a producers credit on the film and you get to kiss me full on the mouth. 
No Tongue

$260 
Ok, tongue

$500 
Everything from the $260 package plus you get all the behind the scenes clips from the movie including one 44 minute scene where I was accidentally filmed eating Chinese Food while I talk to myself.

$1,000 
Everything above plus you get to attend the premier of the film in downtown Canton Ohio, provided you pay for your own plane ticket and hotel and if possible pick me up at the airport on your way into town.

$2,500 
Everything above plus you get a signed autographed picture of Tom Cruise (photo is made out to "Steven" and says “Thanks for last night, big guy”)

$5,000 
Everything above plus a date with Steven.