Ladies and Gentlemen...

Backstage
Unnamed venue in the Deep South, USA
One man stands inside a crowd of 20…this is Alastair "Ozone" Merriweather...

Jesus give me strength…ok Guys, we all have a job to do…lets do try and get thru it without having another knife fight or any more detached retinas. Remember this isn't easy for me either, every day I struggle with whether or not to just off the lot of you.

We are here to prepare this fine venue for the aptly-named band SupaDoofus…I know, I know, many of you are honored to work with this band…that is simply because most of you are too young to remember real rock and roll but let's not let that stop us from doing the best damn setup we can.

And for God's sake no peeing on the cables anymore…you saw what happened to Steve and I'll be honest I just don't have the stomach to peel yet another blokes burnt meat and two veg off the floor.

I'll let that sink in.

Right then…no one's got comments…brilliant…I'm handing out the instructions now. Please - I know you are barely listening to me - but by all you hold holy…please read this document.

It is only with understanding what is written here that we can avoid lawsuits, accidental stabbings and the not-so-isolated chance of ending this evening in the burn unit.

God speed to us all...

SupaDoofus Pre and Post-Show Instructions.

The Band:

Jimmy The Triffid - Drums
Beano - Bass
Dynamite Wally - Lead Guitar and Vocals
Feelthy Phil - Keyboards and Electric Triangle
Bomarr Silverstein - Chinese Gong

Section 1: Accommodations
Dressing Room: Room must be exactly 30 X 40. It must have no more than 27 windows. Room must be well-lit but not too well lit, we are in our 50's you know. Must have electrical outlets just festooning the place, at least 20 or 30 of them. It must have unfettered access to 2 bathrooms. Dynamite Wally must wash his feet in the sink before the show. NO ONE is to interfere with this ritual. Last time it happened, he refused to go onstage for 3 hours until we coaxed him out with a topless girl whose breasts had been spattered with Twinkie Creme.

Tuning Room: Have you heard us play? We don't need to tune.

Crew Room: This can be the janitorial cupboard, our crew is sub-human, almost non-sentient and wouldn't know what to do in a room with chairs.

Changing Room: Also unnecessary, the band spends more time with their bollocks hanging out than an elderly italian bocce team in shorts.

Section 2: Food
For the love of the Queen Mum: NO ALCOHOL until 9:00pm or its all going to go tits up!

Breakfast: Must be sufficient for 10 people
60 gallon drum of black coffee, no sugar and a large straw with a 4 inch diameter.
36 boxes Krispy Kreme original donuts. 
1 box Krispy Kreme raspberry filled donuts
6 cases Mountain Dew
3 Earl Grey Tea Bags plus tepid water
1 large Pineapple Juice
2 bath towels and 1 bar soap

Lunch: Must be sufficient for 25 people
Soup, any kind except for pea soup…it looks and tastes like Baby Squats
Large Salad, hold the onions but add extra tomatoes
No less than 34 kinds of dressing, 1 should be Low Calorie
Sandwiches, assorted such as ham, turkey and roast beef. No HeadCheese or the band will make it their goal in life to do a "Upper Decker" in every single toilet in the stadium, no matter how long it takes them.
137 gallons of Coca Cola
219 gallons of Dr. Pepper
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist... it's the only thing Beano will drink.
1 gallon of milk
38 bags of Doritos. NO COOL RANCH!
72 bags of M+M's…all brown.

Afternoon Snack
14 boxes of Twinkies

Note: Please serve all meals in the Dressing Room, away from the plebs. The room should be kept at an exact temperature of 21 degrees Celsius. Thats's 69.8 for you yanks.

Dinner: Must be sufficient for 353 people + assorted loose women looking to get in the band's trousers post-show.

Do not deviate from this list or Jimmy The Triffid will make you pray for death.

Please provide 320 regular meals, 34 vegetarian meals, 18 vegan meals and 1 Freegan meal composed of things found in the rubbish bins outside the venue. Breakdown as follows:

4 Whole Roast Suckling Pigs
122 lbs of Baked Ziti
13 pounds of Cauliflower Florets
44 loaves of Italian Bread
2 Boxes Matzoh
108 lbs of Mashed Potatoes
20 lbs carrots boiled to within an inch of their lives
8 Bottles Pepto Bismol
Since we are in the American South, throw in a "Mess O' Greens", whatever that is.
158 Steaks
12 bottles of Ketchup
2 bottles of Catsup
89 Whole Roasted Chickens
52 lbs of Mac and Cheese
61 racks of Chinese Style Spare Ribs
4 tubs of Butter
2 tubs of I Can't Believe its Not Butter
1 tub of I Can Believe its Not Butter
91 Banana Cream Pies
32 Gallons of Peach Sherbet
88 gallons of Sunny D
122 gallons of Diet Coke
81 gallons of Mr. Pibb
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist

For the Vegetarian meals: provide a giant trough of lettuce, provided it was picked gently, String Beans that were massaged by hand every morning, Brussle Sprouts that were sung to sleep every night and just a truck load of corn, so long as it was blessed by Mother Gaia prior to picking.

For the Vegan meals: provide a 20 lb loaf of soy and tofu that has been compressed with bean sprouts, nuts collected from the forest floor (no picked nuts), dirt, crushed leaves and whatever hapless insects that may have ben caught up in the whole process.

For the Freegan Meal: simply scrape the leavings off some poor sod's half-eaten dish into a dirty hubcap. That will be fine.

Note: Please make sure there are no live badgers in the room during dinner, this has caused quite a row in the past.

Section Three: The Post Prandial / Post Show Apocalypse

Ok, this is the end-game here, it's best to just set things up and run for your lives. Personally I check out of my hotel and make my way via taxi to the adjacent  state to await the inevitable police sirens and reports of alcohol-fueled atrocities on CNN.

If you choose to stay and engage in this horror show, please remember, what you see can never be unseen.

Drinks:
3,191 gallons of Whiskey
1 quart Milk
1,500 cans of real beer, no Budweiser, I wouldn't use it to clean my loo.
134 Liters of Vodka
145 liters of Scotch
80 bottles of Southern Comfort
199 bottles of Gin
300 gallons of Orange Juice
2 Cans of Mike's Lemonade
150 bottles of the cheapest white wine you can obtain
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist

Accessories:
600 bath towels, all no less than 3 X 4 feet.
70 bars of soap
188 syringes filled with anti-venereal medication
90 syringes anti-malarial - you'd be surprised at the lot we get at these shows
1 Giganto Box of Baby Wipes
6 Crucifixes and a jar of Holy Water
6 inflatable love dolls -  female
21 inflatable love dolls - male (yes those numbers are correct)
10 corkscrews and bottle openers
700 linear feet of Saran Wrap
13 Hula Hoops
1 Slinky
77 styrofoam cups
Plastic Forks - MUST HAVE 3 tines!
Salt and Pepper
2 Battery Powered Helicopters
10 large tubes of KY Jelly
125 packs of Cigarettes, no Marlboros
1 Latest Issue of Handyman's Workshop
Large Carpet, must be rollable
100 Large Double Lined Plastic Bags (capable of carrying at least 50% of a human body, if things get out of hand.)
12 pack of Napkins
2,380 condoms
400 cigs of "medicinal marijuana" in sizes ranging from "casual smoke" to "WHOA YEAH!".
3 "Who Farted" T-Shirts in size Extra Large
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist