Well, my time at this wretched place has come to an end.
I cant help but notice that when people craft their last email, they use words like amazing and wonderful in ways they were never intended. Let me show you why.
You may have eaten a black truffle risotto that was wonderful.
You may have had an orgasm that was amazing.
But you never left a meeting thinking, "that was a wonderful meeting, if only it could have gone on another 2 hours"! Chances are you never said "Isn't our Director amazing"?
You know who is amazing? Albert Einstein, Louis Armstrong, Richard Feynman and Joss Whedon.
So in honor of that I have decided to write what may be the most honest farewell email ever to grace your in-boxes.
It seems that every time someone leaves, they forget all the things that are wrong at this firm, they forgive everyone who treated them poorly, said mean things or generally treated them like shit.
The only reason why anyone does that is because they fear retribution.
I don't.
I have not learned a damn thing from anyone here. Well that's not true. I have learned how to increase my tolerance of poor management, mean spirited acts by studio leaders, incompetence, claiming success for yourself even when you did nothing and a business leadership style that is the equivalent of a chimp poking itself in the eye repeatedly with a spoon.
So here goes… everyone at this firm is NOT talented or creative. There are people here who have retained their jobs for other reasons….they give a good blowjob or they suck up to the boss... Hey, maybe those are the same thing. HA!
As water seeks its own level, too often does the same thing happen to people working at this firm.
There are some talented employees here. I cant list their names for fear that those of you who are talentless hacks will harass them about they're being your obvious betters.
These people aren't paid enough to handle some of the crap I see shoveled in their direction and all so they can miss out on real compensation and acknowledgement.
You know I came up with a saying: "Today will be a constant struggle between killing some of you and killing all of you". I think that says it all.
Let's see, I guess I'll start at the top…
The CEO: I don't even know where to start here. Your ego has supplanted any semblance of trying to maintain a dynamic and effective company, the way you handled the economic downturn was all the proof you need of that. Grow up before you flush the company down the toilet and send 140 people to the unemployment office.
The PR Maven: I would think it would be great to actually have a magazine come to us to do a story rather than you berating everyone at the New York Times until they give in just to shut you up. Then the resulting story would have validity.
The HR Director: I'll make this easy…here are phrases you may not say…ever:
1. If you are speaking to an employee of Mexican descent, you may not say "That’s not how we do things in this country”.
2. You may not refer to an employee as Hispanic when they are in fact from Pakistan.
3. When asked for an employee fluent in Korean you shouldn't recommend someone who is Chinese and speaks Mandarin.
The Idea Man: I understand you have a personal preference for a particular pen, however the world simply doesn't stop spinning if you have to wait a day for the order to come in. I realize it seems like your world is crashing down around you but you would do well to remember that people are dying for lack of clean water around the world, your issue is not important in the slightest.
The CFO: Here's a piece of advice. Your job is to tell the owner the financial situation whether its good or bad so he can make a choice on how to steer the ship. When you sugar coat things, there's a good chance he's gonna take us onto the reef at high speed, if you catch my (not subtle at all) meaning.
Legal Department: I don't know much but issuing a threat in our contracts is not the best way to start a relationship with anyone.
Unnamed Idiot 1: Listen, I think its great that your boyfriend is friends with the CEO but really…how long can you spend your days being a life support system for a cup of tea? Shouldn't you try and do something constructive?
General Leadership: The whole lot of you are in desperate need of a management class. Here's some information you clearly aren't aware of…your employees are people, human beings…I know shocking, right? Some other points of interest…stop having sex with your female studio members, stop getting blindingly drunk on the company dime every weekend and for God's sake, listen to what people say…sometimes they are complaining and sometimes they are telling you something important…learn to determine which is which.
Unnamed Idiot 2: Dude, listen just because somewhere in the company, someone has some cake or pie or chocolate…it's not necessarily for you. In fact if you haven't been invited over…don't come over. Buy your own fuckin Skittles.
Toodles!
No comments:
Post a Comment