What kind of a world is this?

Departures are through Gate 1…

Well, my time at this wretched place has come to an end.

I cant help but notice that when people craft their last email, they use words like amazing and wonderful in ways they were never intended. Let me show you why.

You may have eaten a black truffle risotto that was wonderful.
You may have had an orgasm that was amazing.

But you never left a meeting thinking, "that was a wonderful meeting, if only it could have gone on another 2 hours"! Chances are you never said "Isn't our Director amazing"?

You know who is amazing? Albert Einstein, Louis Armstrong, Richard Feynman and Joss Whedon.

So in honor of that I have decided to write what may be the most honest farewell email ever to grace your in-boxes.

It seems that every time someone leaves, they forget all the things that are wrong at this firm, they forgive everyone who treated them poorly, said mean things or generally treated them like shit.

The only reason why anyone does that is because they fear retribution.

I don't.

I have not learned a damn thing from anyone here. Well that's not true. I have learned how to increase my tolerance of poor management, mean spirited acts by studio leaders, incompetence, claiming success for yourself even when you did nothing and a business leadership style that is the equivalent of a chimp poking itself in the eye repeatedly with a spoon.

So here goes… everyone at this firm is NOT talented or creative. There are people here who have retained their jobs for other reasons….they give a good blowjob or they suck up to the boss... Hey, maybe those are the same thing. HA!

As water seeks its own level, too often does the same thing happen to people working at this firm.

There are some talented employees here. I cant list their names for fear that those of you who are talentless hacks will harass them about they're being your obvious betters.

These people aren't paid enough to handle some of the crap I see shoveled in their direction and all so they can miss out on real compensation and acknowledgement.

You know I came up with a saying: "Today will be a constant struggle between killing some of you and killing all of you". I think that says it all.

Let's see, I guess I'll start at the top…

The CEO: I don't even know where to start here. Your ego has supplanted any semblance of trying to maintain a dynamic and effective company, the way you handled the economic downturn was all the proof you need of that. Grow up before you flush the company down the toilet and send 140 people to the unemployment office.

The PR Maven: I would think it would be great to actually have a magazine come to us to do a story rather than you berating everyone at the New York Times until they give in just to shut you up. Then the resulting story would have validity.

The HR Director: I'll make this easy…here are phrases you may not say…ever: 

1. If you are speaking to an employee of Mexican descent, you may not say "That’s not how we do things in this country”. 

2. You may not refer to an employee as Hispanic when they are in fact from Pakistan.

3. When asked for an employee fluent in Korean you shouldn't recommend someone who is Chinese and speaks Mandarin.

The Idea Man: I understand you have a personal preference for a particular pen, however the world simply doesn't stop spinning if you have to wait a day for the order to come in. I realize it seems like your world is crashing down around you but you would do well to remember that people are dying for lack of clean water around the world, your issue is not important in the slightest.

The CFO: Here's a piece of advice. Your job is to tell the owner the financial situation whether its good or bad so he can make a choice on how to steer the ship. When you sugar coat things, there's a good chance he's gonna take us onto the reef at high speed, if you catch my (not subtle at all) meaning.

Legal Department: I don't know much but issuing a threat in our contracts is not the best way to start a relationship with anyone.

Unnamed Idiot 1: Listen, I think its great that your boyfriend is friends with the CEO but really…how long can you spend your days being a life support system for a cup of tea? Shouldn't you try and do something constructive?

General Leadership: The whole lot of you are in desperate need of a management class. Here's some information you clearly aren't aware of…your employees are people, human beings…I know shocking, right? Some other points of interest…stop having sex with your female studio members, stop getting blindingly drunk on the company dime every weekend and for God's sake, listen to what people say…sometimes they are complaining and sometimes they are telling you something important…learn to determine which is which.

Unnamed Idiot 2: Dude, listen just because somewhere in the company, someone has some cake or pie or chocolate…it's not necessarily for you. In fact if you haven't been invited over…don't come over. Buy your own fuckin Skittles.

Toodles!

That sounds about right...

It takes time and real love to discover where someone's buttons are: 
but then you can happily push them until one or the 
other of you is institutionalized”.

- Mil Millington

Hero of the Day...

Rendering by Chris "DragonMaster" Chan

...a few moments ago in Hell...

This is the conversation the girls were just having…

Look at my hair!!!
No, look at my hair!
So many curls!
I never get bedhead because my hair is so straight.
You have a lot of hair!
No I dont, you have a lot of hair!!
HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!!

This might be the stupidest conversation ever and I was stuck 
in an elevator last week while 2 girls argued over how trendy 
string cheese has become.

Praise Be!

See...I'm still cool...

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Backstage
Unnamed venue in the Deep South, USA
One man stands inside a crowd of 20…this is Alastair "Ozone" Merriweather...

Jesus give me strength…ok Guys, we all have a job to do…lets do try and get thru it without having another knife fight or any more detached retinas. Remember this isn't easy for me either, every day I struggle with whether or not to just off the lot of you.

We are here to prepare this fine venue for the aptly-named band SupaDoofus…I know, I know, many of you are honored to work with this band…that is simply because most of you are too young to remember real rock and roll but let's not let that stop us from doing the best damn setup we can.

And for God's sake no peeing on the cables anymore…you saw what happened to Steve and I'll be honest I just don't have the stomach to peel yet another blokes burnt meat and two veg off the floor.

I'll let that sink in.

Right then…no one's got comments…brilliant…I'm handing out the instructions now. Please - I know you are barely listening to me - but by all you hold holy…please read this document.

It is only with understanding what is written here that we can avoid lawsuits, accidental stabbings and the not-so-isolated chance of ending this evening in the burn unit.

God speed to us all...

SupaDoofus Pre and Post-Show Instructions.

The Band:

Jimmy The Triffid - Drums
Beano - Bass
Dynamite Wally - Lead Guitar and Vocals
Feelthy Phil - Keyboards and Electric Triangle
Bomarr Silverstein - Chinese Gong

Section 1: Accommodations
Dressing Room: Room must be exactly 30 X 40. It must have no more than 27 windows. Room must be well-lit but not too well lit, we are in our 50's you know. Must have electrical outlets just festooning the place, at least 20 or 30 of them. It must have unfettered access to 2 bathrooms. Dynamite Wally must wash his feet in the sink before the show. NO ONE is to interfere with this ritual. Last time it happened, he refused to go onstage for 3 hours until we coaxed him out with a topless girl whose breasts had been spattered with Twinkie Creme.

Tuning Room: Have you heard us play? We don't need to tune.

Crew Room: This can be the janitorial cupboard, our crew is sub-human, almost non-sentient and wouldn't know what to do in a room with chairs.

Changing Room: Also unnecessary, the band spends more time with their bollocks hanging out than an elderly italian bocce team in shorts.

Section 2: Food
For the love of the Queen Mum: NO ALCOHOL until 9:00pm or its all going to go tits up!

Breakfast: Must be sufficient for 10 people
60 gallon drum of black coffee, no sugar and a large straw with a 4 inch diameter.
36 boxes Krispy Kreme original donuts. 
1 box Krispy Kreme raspberry filled donuts
6 cases Mountain Dew
3 Earl Grey Tea Bags plus tepid water
1 large Pineapple Juice
2 bath towels and 1 bar soap

Lunch: Must be sufficient for 25 people
Soup, any kind except for pea soup…it looks and tastes like Baby Squats
Large Salad, hold the onions but add extra tomatoes
No less than 34 kinds of dressing, 1 should be Low Calorie
Sandwiches, assorted such as ham, turkey and roast beef. No HeadCheese or the band will make it their goal in life to do a "Upper Decker" in every single toilet in the stadium, no matter how long it takes them.
137 gallons of Coca Cola
219 gallons of Dr. Pepper
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist... it's the only thing Beano will drink.
1 gallon of milk
38 bags of Doritos. NO COOL RANCH!
72 bags of M+M's…all brown.

Afternoon Snack
14 boxes of Twinkies

Note: Please serve all meals in the Dressing Room, away from the plebs. The room should be kept at an exact temperature of 21 degrees Celsius. Thats's 69.8 for you yanks.

Dinner: Must be sufficient for 353 people + assorted loose women looking to get in the band's trousers post-show.

Do not deviate from this list or Jimmy The Triffid will make you pray for death.

Please provide 320 regular meals, 34 vegetarian meals, 18 vegan meals and 1 Freegan meal composed of things found in the rubbish bins outside the venue. Breakdown as follows:

4 Whole Roast Suckling Pigs
122 lbs of Baked Ziti
13 pounds of Cauliflower Florets
44 loaves of Italian Bread
2 Boxes Matzoh
108 lbs of Mashed Potatoes
20 lbs carrots boiled to within an inch of their lives
8 Bottles Pepto Bismol
Since we are in the American South, throw in a "Mess O' Greens", whatever that is.
158 Steaks
12 bottles of Ketchup
2 bottles of Catsup
89 Whole Roasted Chickens
52 lbs of Mac and Cheese
61 racks of Chinese Style Spare Ribs
4 tubs of Butter
2 tubs of I Can't Believe its Not Butter
1 tub of I Can Believe its Not Butter
91 Banana Cream Pies
32 Gallons of Peach Sherbet
88 gallons of Sunny D
122 gallons of Diet Coke
81 gallons of Mr. Pibb
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist

For the Vegetarian meals: provide a giant trough of lettuce, provided it was picked gently, String Beans that were massaged by hand every morning, Brussle Sprouts that were sung to sleep every night and just a truck load of corn, so long as it was blessed by Mother Gaia prior to picking.

For the Vegan meals: provide a 20 lb loaf of soy and tofu that has been compressed with bean sprouts, nuts collected from the forest floor (no picked nuts), dirt, crushed leaves and whatever hapless insects that may have ben caught up in the whole process.

For the Freegan Meal: simply scrape the leavings off some poor sod's half-eaten dish into a dirty hubcap. That will be fine.

Note: Please make sure there are no live badgers in the room during dinner, this has caused quite a row in the past.

Section Three: The Post Prandial / Post Show Apocalypse

Ok, this is the end-game here, it's best to just set things up and run for your lives. Personally I check out of my hotel and make my way via taxi to the adjacent  state to await the inevitable police sirens and reports of alcohol-fueled atrocities on CNN.

If you choose to stay and engage in this horror show, please remember, what you see can never be unseen.

Drinks:
3,191 gallons of Whiskey
1 quart Milk
1,500 cans of real beer, no Budweiser, I wouldn't use it to clean my loo.
134 Liters of Vodka
145 liters of Scotch
80 bottles of Southern Comfort
199 bottles of Gin
300 gallons of Orange Juice
2 Cans of Mike's Lemonade
150 bottles of the cheapest white wine you can obtain
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist

Accessories:
600 bath towels, all no less than 3 X 4 feet.
70 bars of soap
188 syringes filled with anti-venereal medication
90 syringes anti-malarial - you'd be surprised at the lot we get at these shows
1 Giganto Box of Baby Wipes
6 Crucifixes and a jar of Holy Water
6 inflatable love dolls -  female
21 inflatable love dolls - male (yes those numbers are correct)
10 corkscrews and bottle openers
700 linear feet of Saran Wrap
13 Hula Hoops
1 Slinky
77 styrofoam cups
Plastic Forks - MUST HAVE 3 tines!
Salt and Pepper
2 Battery Powered Helicopters
10 large tubes of KY Jelly
125 packs of Cigarettes, no Marlboros
1 Latest Issue of Handyman's Workshop
Large Carpet, must be rollable
100 Large Double Lined Plastic Bags (capable of carrying at least 50% of a human body, if things get out of hand.)
12 pack of Napkins
2,380 condoms
400 cigs of "medicinal marijuana" in sizes ranging from "casual smoke" to "WHOA YEAH!".
3 "Who Farted" T-Shirts in size Extra Large
1 twelve oz can of Sunkist

While the kids are away...

Typical Suburban Home, 6:22 pm.

Husband comes in, puts large grocery bag on counter, winks at wife.

Wife, offering to help, unpacks bag.

Wife: "A fifth of vodka, pixie sticks, rubber gloves, brussel sprouts, plastic ruler, water softener, blue play doh, a rolling pin and 3 feet of PVC tubing...

"Im not sure what you have planned tonight but I'd just as soon not be part of it".

Husband: "C'mon! you never want to try anything"!

...watched The Iron Giant last night...

Ava wanted to draw him, so we collaborated on it...

Apropos of Something...

Her: "Silly question - does Mary's signature look like a bunch of bubbles in a way? I got a gift package and I think it's from her but I am only 90% sure".

Me: "Yes...to put in mildly, it's messy. It looks like an octopus with dyslexia and in the throes of a violent Grand Mal seizure is trying to write its name for the first time while underwater...and on fire at the same time".

Her: "Ah ah! Given that description and what I am looking at I am now 100% sure its from her. It makes me wonder if she was a cheerleader in high school....all the cheerleaders in my school signed their name that way".

Me: "a cheerleader? Hmmm...only if there's a high school in Hell".

I'm a Man...I Heed No Warning Label.

Amazon.com 
Veet Hair Removal Creme Reviews from the UK…

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. 

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". 

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

Check, please!

The Spoon.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”  I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

"Oh, certainly!”  Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we could save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'       

Wait... is this a sales call?

Me: Ava... put on your shoes, we are going to be late.

Ava: I can't right now, I have to dress my Barbies…and Ken.

Me: Just do what I say, Im your father.

Ava: Fine.

Me: And listen, I recognize that you have a choice when you talk to your parents, and I thank you for choosing your father. Please think of me again when you need to talk to your parents.

Ava: What?