Flight to Hell...

Last Thursday I needed to fly to Atlanta for work. Here's some advice for you and I cant stress this enough…never fly on Thursday…or Wednesday or any other day that ends in the letters “d, a, y”. It’s just not worth it.

My flight is on Thursday at 11:00am, departing LaGuardia Airport.

It is currently Monday at 3:17pm.

I will never make it.

Having purchased my ticket successfully despite Continental’s varied and sundry attempts to prevent it, I know there is no turning back.

In an attempt to stave off any issues along the way, I have literally read the entire Continental website and I can assure you that no one (not even the people who wrote it) seems to understand this mammoth hunk of random and seemingly contradictory rules.

I tried to unravel the mystery that is booking a flight on Continental…the best way to describe it would be if you had to sit at the bottom of a 15-foot swimming pool filled with black ink and try to solve a Rubiks Cube that is covered in dead jellyfish…all on a single breath.

Here are some of the stranger things I found…

Online Check-in

You can check in from your home or office or even your mistress’ home (you know who Im talking about…remember Ms. Kitty? Remember how she called you Little BunnyMan?)…anyway… and print your own boarding pass. And starting in March you can have your boarding pass faxed to you when you don't have access to a printer provided you just found out that it's still 1978 and you own a fax machine. Simply choose the "Request Fax" option during the check-in process and then just try and find a fax machine anywhere.

This procedure gives you everything you need to bypass the lines at the airport, head to security and immediately begin the “Have Your Testicles Fondled By a High School Dropout with Cold Hands” portion of your travel. After your sixth x-ray, you may put your clothes back on and if the repeated exposures to radiation haven’t removed it all…comb your hair.

If you have bags to check, you may try and check them. Be optimistic and ask if a Continental representative will be able to put them on the same flight as you. It’s not likely but if you’re very lucky, your possessions will hopefully land at least on the same continent (and perhaps even in the same month) as you. Remember Continental asks that you kindly arrive 17 hours before your flight even if that is a longer period of time than just walking to your destination.*

You can also choose to receive your boarding pass electronically on your mobile phone or PDA when departing from certain cities. Just wave your iPhone at the people in security as you run by and within seconds you will be tasered, handcuffed and strung upside down to the sweet sounds of a rubber glove being slapped on.

* International flights require bags to be checked at least 28 hours prior to departure. Also, those traveling from Atlanta, Las Vegas, New Jersey or South Carolina have our sympathies.

Who Is Eligible to Check In Online?

Your reservation is eligible for check-in provided you can defeat the Cyclops in mortal combat and:

You depart from a U.S. airport or an eligible airport floating within the orbit of Mars.

Your itinerary contains a total of seventeen flight segments or more.

You are traveling with less than 10 persons in your party or less than 6 cats.

Your middle name starts with the letter X.

Reservations with any of the following characteristics are currently not eligible for check-in:

If your breasts have been so augmented, they no longer make an off-the-shelf* bra to contain your assets.

If you plan to squeal about “the man” and his part in covering up OJ’s murder of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.

If you have ever ordered or had to drink anything called an “Appletini”.

Any paper ticketed reservations, unless it’s on really nice paper like what they print wedding invitations on.

*I was going to say “off the rack” but I thought it was too many boob jokes at once.

Frequently Asked Questions about check-in:

Can I use my cell phone or other hand-held device to check in?

You can try.

What if my computer fails to print the boarding pass?

Then you must pull the power cord from the wall socket and whip the computer mercilessly.

May I check-in for my return flight even though I don't have access to a printer?

Really? You want to know if you can print something without having a printer? Sure, in the same way that you can eat without having any food, breathe without having any air and fuck without having a sexual partner.

Will I be notified and re-accommodated if my flight changes or is canceled after I check in?

Nope…it’s Thunderdome, baby. Every passenger for himself. The only way you’ll know that your flight has been cancelled is if you see its flaming wreckage lying all over the tarmac. Otherwise, your flight remains “On Schedule”. Whatever the hell that means.

What if I want to change my flight but I've already checked in?

I believe Jesus said it best: “too bad, so sad”.

Can I check-in if I bought my ticket at a travel agency?

If you are too stupid to buy your own ticket, then you are too stupid to use the internet, so you probably aren’t reading this.

How do I use Auto Check-in?

Your journey will be easier with our new Auto Check-in because the most convenient way to check-in is to make it automatic. Auto Check-in does the work while you relax. All you need to do is race at upwards of 80 miles an hour through our Auto Check-In kiosk, as you pass by, hurl your crumpled up ticket at the kiosk window. Within seconds, one of our highly trained associates will deposit your ticket in the trash.

Flight Status and Information:

We offer a variety of ways to keep up to date on your travel schedule with our online flight status tools.

TripAlert is a service that will notify you every time you travel if your flight is on time, delayed, irrevocably lost in the Bermuda Triangle, the victim of a warp in the space-time continuum, depressed, ill with the flu, cancelled or any other clever excuses we can make up behind the counter.

Please understand that a flight listed as "Delayed" may, depending on the circumstances, depart "On Time." Flights that are currently in the air, half way to their destination may be listed as “Missing”. Flights that have been smashed into pieces by Godzilla may be listed as “Routine Maintenance” and flights that arrive on time to their correct destination will be listed as “Rare”. Unless your flight has been listed as "Cancelled" which is our code for “Went Too High - Burned Up On ReEntry” we suggest you always check-in for the original scheduled departure time of your flight.

Travelling with Animals:

Continental is committed to providing a safe and comfortable travel experience for all of our customers, including pets. And by that we mean that we place as high a priority on you in seat 8A that we do on a filthy, inbred schnauzer with a urinary tract infection named Zeke currently floundering in our cargo hold. Because we share our customers' concern that their pets' flights are stress-free, we tranquilize the crap out of them with hotdogs loaded with barbiturates. Don’t you wish you could do that at home? Our program is called PetSafe®. Under this program, Continental does not accept pets as checked baggage but we sure as hell treat them like it.

The program offers the following options:

Customers can track their animals online at Continental's cargo Web site. This ensures that you know in real-time just how much of the cargo bay is being smeared with panic-pee and terror-diarrhea by your “wittle woogums”. Then you can be prepared with a whole hell of a lot of towels and some bleach upon arrival.

Continental will continue to accept small pets for travel in-cabin. By small pets, we mean those ridiculously sized, hi-pitch whining, hairy creatures that are usually carried in an oversized bag by Paris Hilton. Actually that also describes Paris Hilton herself.

Continental's policy for service animals, such as seeing-eye dogs, has not changed, and they will continue to be welcomed on board and allowed to fly the planes should the pilots become sleepy.

Baggage Frequently Asked Questions

Do I need to be concerned about excess baggage embargoes?
If you have excess baggage, then yes.

I left an item on my flight or at the airport. How do I contact Lost and Found?
You can contact Continental Airlines or pretty much anyone else you like…it aint gonna get found.

What do I do if I have damaged baggage?
If you have damaged baggage? Have you seen who we employ here? These guys are only slightly more gentle than gorillas on heroin and not nearly as bright. All damaged items should be reported in person prior to leaving the airport. Or if you want to save some time, report the damage before your flight even takes off. There’s a very good chance your shit got broken the moment you handed it to the skycap. But that’s what you get for tipping a dollar a bag.

What do I do if I have delayed or missing baggage?
You got me on this one, I don’t see how it’s possible for your luggage to be delayed if you aren’t delayed along with it.

What are the baggage limits for domestic economy class travel?
For maximum baggage weight and size restrictions see the Checked Baggage policy. You can carry:

A purse and a box of tampons or

One wallet and one Batman lunchbox or

A set of regulation golf clubs provided you don’t bring along any ugly golf pants or

A cat carrier filled with pre-1979 issues of National Geographic or

The entire double-bass drum kit from Lars Ulrich of Metallica, provided you can fit it into the overhead bin.

What are the carry-on baggage limits for international travel?
There are no limits on those flights, you will find people who brought along the family goat.

Personal Electronic Devices

It has been determined that certain electronic devices could cause minor interference with aircraft navigational instruments. And let's be honest we’re 100 tons of dead weight falling through the air at hundreds of miles an hour, do you really want to tempt fate here? So, restrictions on the use of personal electronic devices are necessary.

Passengers may turn on and use cellular phones only when the main cabin door is open. This way the electrical voodoo energy from the phone calls can escape out the door before take off. Pagers may be used to receive messages at any time. I guess that’s a different kind of voodoo.

Devices that may be used only when the aircraft is above 10,000 feet in altitude:

Electronic games (including the award winning Grand Theft Auto 9: Shotgun Hookers Boulevard).

Personal computers (impersonal ones as well).

Radios (this is in case you manage to play the new hit by Lady “I ripped off Madonna” GaGa and it makes the pilots try to crash the plane).

Calculators - (this one is just for shits and giggles, good luck finding a calculator that you plug in).

Women’s Sex Toys (if you were born before 1956, that’s neck massagers to you).

Shavers (there is no manscaping on any Continental flight).

Electric Snuggie.

Devices that are not permitted for use at any time:

Car battery hooked up to nipples. (Excludes First Class Passengers, ask for Helga).

TVs under 82 inches.

Radio controlled hovercraft with bitchin’ pirate flag sticker on side.

Door Buzzer that plays la Cucaracha when pressed.

Victrola Phonograph, circa 1923.

Passengers are allowed to use headsets during taxi, take-off, landing and crashes to drown out the terrified screams of the other passengers.

Passengers may always use any medically prescribed, physiological instrument, such as a hearing aid, Electric Tittalini ® or pacemakers.

Happy Travels!

This is NOT milk...

I dont care what anyone says.

What comic strips should be like...

and the award for best actor goes to...

So in a rare fit of stupidity and just plain hubris, I am attempting to go see a movie in Manhattan.

A task that has destroyed better men than me.

I check the times to see when Tron: Legacy is playing. At this point I am still being picky about what I see. Since I have not seen a movie in the city since 1998, my brain has blocked out that last attempt. I’ve forgotten that I most certainly will not be able to hear any dialogue so it really doesn’t matter what movie I choose.

I’m going to the Regal Union Square, the theater was refurbished years ago in an attempt to capture the grand experience and design flair of Grauman’s Chinese Theater only with less flair and more prostitutes milling around outside creating a different kind of “experience”.

So I get out of the cab and get on the line. However this turns out to be the line to get New York’s world famous "been-boiling-in-filthy-water-for-7-weeks-dirty water dogs” but now it's too late and I am forced to get three which I will no doubt be “paying” for later. Where intestinal distress will be my battle standard, a toilet my steed and my sweat the lubricant that signifies surrender.

I have no idea what that means but it’s very close to being witty.

Now I am on the right line, I think. But as the line stretches for 10 blocks, I have no idea for sure. To be honest I might be on line for the methadone clinic on 23rd Street where the addicts line up for their treatment every Monday morning and then spend the next 15 hours in Dunkin Donuts drinking coffee and shrieking at one another.

I have quite a wait ahead of me so I try to do some people watching. Some consider this a nice pass time, As a life long New Yorker, I know it’s more important than that. I have to watch all of these people because anyone of them…yes even the sweet four-year old in the Hello Kitty shirt could potentially be the wacko that sinks an ice pick into my neck during the movie.

This is research…this is essential if I’m to avoid a potential head wound today.

Ok….what do we have here?

Teenage couple making out, she has a wad of cash in her hands, too much eyeliner and doesn’t appear to have eaten anytime in the last week. His hair appears unwashed and he has a terrifying large boner in his pants. Note to self: do not sit next to this Kama Sutra in the making.

Two hipster idiots from Brooklyn are here as well. They’re both wearing hats that would be popular on 68-year old Jewish retirees from Florida. They believe this makes them look ironic and interesting. In reality they look like huge douchebags.

Four blonde boys and their Dad. He looks completely beaten down so I hope they are going to see something other than Tron because he will most likely be letting the kids run around the aisles and jump on the chairs and I need to avoid killing a movie patron….again.

Huge Rastefarian in a floral print with a super-white blonde girl in dreds. It might be a sterotype but there is a definite chance he may light up during the movie. Note to self: sit near GanjaMan and Whitey.

Three businesswomen, clearly playing hooky from work, clearly had wine with lunch as they are currently discussing the size of the aforementioned teenage boner and quite loudly.

Fidgety bald man with bad comb over…he is fumbling with something in his pants pocket, keeps wiping the sweat from his chin…or god help me maybe its drool. He is staring at the poster of Natalie Portman in Black Swan. That might account for the drool and I hope that’s what he is going to see as I have no wish to be on the front cover of the Post tomorrow morning as his victim.

Ah! Im at the ticket counter:

Me: “One for Tron”.

Her: “Nuh uh…is sold out. You late”.

Me: I don’t think I'm late, it’s just that your line is so long, it seems to start in Bensonhurst.

Her: “whatevah…wachoo need”?

Me: I need a ticket to the next showing of Tron. Judging by your syntax, you need another 3 or 4 remedial English classes. Lets try and achieve one of those goals today”.

Her: “…what”?

Me: The ticket, can I have the ticket”?

Her: “$19.50”.

Me: “Im sorry…I’m only buying one ticket, how much is that”.

Her: “I already tol you…$19.50”.

Me: “Damn…for $19.50 I hope I get a Happy Ending after the movie”.

Her: “My friend Alice does that…here her card”.

Me: (takes card).

Anyway, now I’m headed to a series of no less than 6 different escalators to get to the showing. Apparently it’s on the moon, judging by my nosebleed. I’m tempted to leave a trail of crumbs so I can find my way out of the building later.

I stop for “refreshments”…here is where it gets interesting and dangerous. The concession stand is a strange and magical place…things are constantly different from minute to minute. I’m convinced that the same insane computer that sets airline ticket prices is also responsible for pricing the stuff in theaters, You never know how much to bring but let’s be honest, anything less than $70 is being optimistic.

Me: “I’d like the smallest popcorn, no butter and the smallest drink you sell, a Pepsi, please.

Him: “Sup…so that’s a large popcorn with congealed butter flavored oil and a large Coke.

Me: OK…listen, that is not even remotely close to what I asked for”.

Him: “Sorry dude…there aint no small. Small is Large, Medium is Giant and Large is “Hot Tub”. And we don’t have Pepsi, only Coke and the popcorn is 2 weeks old so you’re gonna need the butter to help it get through your lower intestine”.

Me: “I see...tell you what, Ill keep my money and you can go straight to hell, how’s that”?

Him: “Well played, sir”.

I find my seat, not too close to the screen, equally distant from any of the strange beautiful creatures I was just on line with… out of ice pick range…not too close to the drunks…just far enough away from the hipsters.

Perfect…or so I think.

The pre-show begins and by that I mean that if I squint into the semi-darkness, I can see that the teenage couple is mostly naked already so Im pretty sure they’re not going to make it to the end of the film.

On screen…they are showing slides, one of which is a movie jumble that says: “This actor was also governor of California, can you solve the puzzle?” Arno_d Schwarze­_eggar. Clearly this puzzle is designed to be answered by something between "gifted rodent" and "graduate from New Utrecht High School".

Someone near the front yells “Can I buy vowel, Pat”?. His friends think this is the very height of bon mots and they laugh hysterically for no less than 5 minutes.

To my left, the drunk businesswomen are taking turns sipping from a straw hidden in one of their purses. This wont end well.

Above me a cloud of smoke is forming. At first I figure… just my luck the building is on fire but then I realize the hipsters hats will probably be burned along with their ironic bodies so this might not be such a bad thing. A minute later I realize its GanjaMan…Ganjaman and Whitey…Hmmm... that sounds like a bad 80’s sitcom.

Now the previews start, the lights drop lower and I swear I can hear what sounds like balls slapping on ass but that cant be, can it? Then I remember the teenagers and think: yes... yes it can.

Trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4. During one of Johnny Depps lines, one of the drunk ladies yells “You Go Girl”! Im not sure if this is because of his eyeliner or how much she has had to drink so far.

Trailer for Transformers 3. As the trailer ends we see the title: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Someone yells “Michael Bay can kiss the dark of my taint”! Strangely I find myself agreeing with him.

Trailer for The Hangover 2. I’m not sure we needed to make a sequel to this movie and by the end of the trailer, Im sure of that.

Lights go all the way down. A little mellowed out from second hand weed smoke and the movie finally starts.

I fall asleep.

Sal Minella? I went to school with him...

Renee: I think we should consider raising our own chickens, check out this site.

Me: I looked at the site. It addresses some of my concerns but what about the CCF's? That can cause a real problem for the chickens.

Renee: CCF's?

Me: Crazy Chicken Fuckers.

Renee: You keep away from my chickens!

Me: Why? I love chickens, here I wrote a touching song about them.

Gonna get me some chicken

Hafta find me a bird

Sometimes I kiss em

Gonna give em my word

To love them

And squeeze them

And sometime

To eat dem.

That is my Chicken Love

Guitar solo played on 12 string with dried up chicken foot instead of guitar pick.

Chorus chants: Chicken Love is so sweet, love to eat dat birdy meat. Repeat 4 times.

That is my Chicken Love.

©2011 ASCAP IllicitAvianLust Records, Inc.

Where am i?

Port Authority, NY

Thursday, April 21st - 5:05pm

Guy: Ladies and gentleman, can anyone help me, I live in Manalapan and my wallet was stolen today. It costs $37 to get home. I have been able thru the kindness of strangers such as yourselves to collect $2 so far. Wont someone please help me with the other $35.

Me: (trying to be helpful)…Wait a minute, it only costs like $15 to get to Manalapan.

Guy: “Thanks, asshole”.

I didn't write this post out of spite or even Fan-Related-Anger-Kondition, which from time to time strikes us all here in the land of geeks, fanboys and other assorted nerds.

I have always been very forgiving with superhero movies. Growing up in the 70’s all we had was Spiderman, which was basically a dude being dragged by a helicopter over downtown Los Angeles (Im pretty sure it was LA, it always looked blurry but maybe that was due to the fact that my crappy TV was manufactured in some communist republic in 1953). Many of you may also recall that about the same time the Incredible Hulk tv show also began its run.

While The Incredible Hulk didn’t have all the amazing appeal of a bug-eyed lead actor, crappy webs, climbing up buildings via a camera laid on its side and a guy leaping around like a spastic crab on rooftops that were clearly nowhere near New York, it did have the mystery of why no matter what Bruce Banner was wearing, the Hulk always seemed to have purple pants on.

So I waited for a “real” superhero movie to come out. And that same year our prayers were answered. We got the still-awesome Superman by Richard Donner. A film that still works today and holds a special place in my heart. Of course, one can never say the same about Superman IV…but that’s a whole other column all its own.

So… onward into the 80’s and 90’s (don’t be afraid)… the nascent phase of comic book movies was upon us. There were some good attempts (The Rocketeer, Superman II, the excellent Alex Proyas film The Crow and of course the game-changing Tim Burton-directed Batman…however there were quite a few misfires…

...some turds will never become jewels no matter how long you polish them.

And to that end, we had Swamp Thing, Supergirl, Superman III and the aforementioned Superman IV, The Punisher and of course the cinematic genius that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and of course Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Mystery of its Box Office Appeal.

Ok, I made the last one up but it does post a legitimate question. And we’ll get to that later.

As a side note Marvel did have a hand, however small in releasing (though not theatrically or even on video) versions of Captain America, Nick Fury: Agent of Shield (with the Hoff!) and Roger Corman’s craptacular version of the Fantastic Four. Barely produced, poorly acted and missing much of what can make comics great, one can only find these pieces of dreck on bootleg videos and DVD’s usually sold by people of questionable hygiene at comic book conventions throughout this great land.

Other points of interest are when Joel “Bat Nipples” Schumacher almost completely destroyed the Batman franchise with a film so badly, edited, so poorly assembled that it became OK for the actors to make fun of it in interviews.

On the upside. We ended the decade with the start of the Blade Trilogy which proved that a solid script by someone who understood the characters could create an enjoyable, fun, well-written story for about a zillion dollars less than what Schumacher had spent to film that whole “roller-skating warriors in the disco from hell” scene in Batman & Robin.

So now we get to the new millennium…now is when things start to get really good. Now is when movie producers and directors start to realize that not only is there a buttload of movies, high-grossing movies that can be made from comic properties but on top of that they have a chance to work with an already established market…a set of rabid lunatics (myself included) who have been salivating over the idea of big money being spent on their favorite characters.

So the comic movie boom really starts in earnest. It gets so out of hand that eventually fanboys will actually utter a sentence they never thought they would…”how many damn comic book movies can you make in one year”?

So starting in 2000 we have the X-Men. To this day I remember staying late at work so I could be alone and watch the (then) hi-res version of the trailer. I got such a thrill seeing Wolverine snap out his claws. I couldn’t believe this was going to be a movie.

When I look back now…it seems the milestones for me were:

1. Superman (Christopher Reeve)

2. Batman (Michael Keaton)

3. The X-Men

Now I cant say I love all the films in this genre. Some work very well, others not so much. Some films like Unbreakable are great takes on the superhero tropes without having the story lead into a much more fantastical realm. Batman Begins and The Dark Knight follow this in that there are no outlandish superheroics as we know them from characters like Superman, Ghost Rider or Green Lantern.

But I do get excited every time they announce a new one and I always go because even when they are bad, they still seem good because I remember when I had no super hero movies at all. Catwoman may be the sole case that disproves that axiom.

And that's definitely an upcoming post all its own.

I think I have seen every superhero film that has been made, even the strange foreign ones that find their way to the US from time to time and appear to have been written, cast, filmed and edited on budgets of less than what I spend on groceries per year. Generally I’m able to find things I like in almost all of them. As in food, books, music, art and really just about everything…taste is subjective.

To that end, I’ve been reasonably happy with what I have seen and I feel that way, as I said, because I went through a period in my life where the best superhero movies were separated by almost 10 years each. That seems so strange now as I write this is 2011 when the 3 months between May and July alone will see the releases of: Thor, Captain America, X-Men: First Class and Green Lantern.

2012 will have Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, The Avengers, The Amazing Spider Man and The Dark Knight Rises

Now it’s not that I’m without criticism of the films. Some examples:

I don’t think Tim Story really “got the Fantastic Four”. The humor part was partially there especially in the shaving cream scene between Johnny and Ben. I don’t think Jessica Alba was right for Sue Storm but I did think the bridge scene was done well, I thought Alicia was well cast and the battle with Doc Doom is pretty good but is it the best adaptation of the comic? I say yes but only because there isn’t anything to really compare it to.

Having said that Fantastic Four 2 gets a lot of stuff right and Im not one of those people who thought that Galactus was screwed up at the end. I don’t think the general public was going to understand Galactus as this 80-story tall guy. Don’t get me wrong, it would have cool to see him assembling the planet destroying machinery on the FF building in midtown Manhattan but it wouldn’t have had the drama of this machine cloud that was swallowing whole planets whole. I think it was a necessary change. I thought the Silver Surfer was perfect, the combination of Doug Jones’ body work and Laurence Fishburne’s voice really sold it.

So again, my love for the genre allows me to take the good with the bad.

Elektra gets a lot of flak for being a bad film but I don’t think it is. It certainly isn’t Jennifer Garner’s fault in any case. She does a fine job with the character and Im not just saying that because I would murder 1,000 people just for the chance to smell her hair. The bad guys were watered down (as was the same case in the first Ghost Rider film) versions of their comic counterparts so there is less tension and drama. The excision of her scene with Matt Murdock also was a bad call.

I loved X2: X-Men United and Spiderman 2 but had problems with both their follow ups.

X3: The Last Stand’s biggest flaw is in the battle on Alcatraz at the end of the film. Here is an opportunity missed. A chance to show off the zillion different mutants that have been created over the years and instead we get guys with lizard skin and what looks like regular guys carrying baseball bats. On the other hand I really loved the fight between Jean Grey and Logan and I thought if anything Famke Janssen did a great interpretation of the Jean Grey - Phoenix manifestation.

Spiderman 3: The film is OK, the biggest problem, I think we can all agree is trying to fit too many villains into the film for Peter to contend with. Venom is most interesting when we see Topher Grace’s acting not the CGI creature. Thomas Haden Church’s Sandman is also well-done. Also, while I have heard many opinions on this, the scene in the club where Peter plays piano (?) and dances brought the film to a screeching halt for me. After that its takes some time to get back on track as far as I'm concerned. It was and remains a huge disconnect for me.

Iron Man and Iron Man 2 both work very well for me. Origin story followed up by Chapter 2 of his story. I think they play well together and I think Robert Downey Jr., Jeff Bridges and Mickey Rourke are genius casting decisions.

I love Daredevil and it may be the first time in my experience where (other than Blade Runner) where a Directors Cut makes a huge difference in the film. I think its well acted, paced correctly and a good watch in general. I have to be honest, I don’t listen to anyone’s critique of that film if it starts with “I hate Ben Affleck”. If your opinion is utterly predicated on an actor you don’t like, you most likely are not giving the film a fair shake.

Watchmen is probably another post all on its own. I found it to be epic (in the real sense of the word). It was an audacious undertaking for Zack Snyder and the cast but I think they got it right despite making changes to the crisis point of the film. It works on its own and I think that’s one of the things all directors fight against when they work in this genre.

You’re trying to make all these diehard fans happy, along with the regular fans and on top of that trying to make a good film that will appeal to the average person who has no knowledge at all about the source material.

It’s not an easy thing. It is in fact the biggest hurdle that Watchmen itself faced and I’m still not sure they completely cleared it.

I like both Hulk films for different reasons. Clearly Ang Lee was an interesting choice for the first and I appreciate the more cerebral take on the Green Goliath especially in light of the fact that a great deal of that character deals with the mental battle between the two parts of Bruce Banner. However most people wanted to see the Hulk smashing things and they certainly (yours truly included) were not sated by the whole “Hulk Poodle” scene. The CGI is amazing in that you only need take a look at the scene where the Hulk bursts out of the base in the desert, you could swear it was a real person out there.

The Incredible Hulk is a much more fun film, the battles are bigger and the Abomination while not exactly like his comic counterpart was well done, his CGI was freaky and scary just as it should be and Tim Roth is great.

I think both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight are amazing films. I would go so far as to say that TDK is a flawless film in its acting (before this film I didn’t think I would like another take on the Joker…I was wrong) and execution. Just a fantastic film. It is of course closer to an urban terrorist drama than it is to a superhero movie but I think the Batman character is well-lent to that particular trope. I don’t know if it would work with other comic book characters.

I freaking love Superman Returns. I think Brandon Routh nailed that part and I think Bryan Singer did a magnificent job with that film. Having said that, I think the film works better if you see it for what it really is, which is almost a retelling of the original Donner Superman story, a film that attempts to wipe away the stench of Superman II and IV. There is no new ground tread here. We get basically a more updated, more realistic (and some might say more Christ-like) Superman than before.

To this day the scene where he falls from the sky, hits the park and the trees blow back from the force is one of the best things I’ve ever seen filmed.

And on the other hand, there are films I think missed the mark completely and aren’t really viewable more than once. Some examples are Wanted, which was a great comic series but ended up as a watered down vehicle to show off how bad-ass Angelina Jolie can be, The Surrogates, The Punisher and The Punisher: War Zone, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (more on that later), Judge Dredd,, Jonah Hex and a few others.

The problem suffered by these films is generally the same. Somewhere along the line in development, the goal of using the characters and their history gets sidelined by someone who doesn’t really understand the source material or is listening to a producer who knows nothing about comics or they make changes to make things “palatable” to the general movie-going audience.

I realize that this is a generalization, that the vast majority of people involved in these adaptations are working to create the best film to satisfy the largest audience hopefully without sacrificing the story or its characters so everyone can make a buttload of money.

On the other hand there are a huge number of idiots whose main concern is how many toy Batmobiles they can sell at Burger King when the film is in theaters. Those people, the ones who think you must trade good storytelling just to push more crappy products on an already saturated market should be slapped repeatedly about the face and neck.

And that leads to changes that piss off the diehard fans and generally make the film weaker overall. A perfect example of that was the adaptation of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Now here is a comic book that should not have been made. Fans of the Alan Moore comic know that this series is best read by someone who is well-read. It helps to know some literature and history to properly understand all the references that have been woven into the stories. In fact there is a 2 volume series by author and librarian Jess Nevins (Heroes & Monsters and A Blazing World) in which he breaks the comics down page by page to explain all of the characters, locations and incidents that Moore deftly wrote into his stories.

There is that much material in each book.

I don’t mean to sound like the original comics are not accessible to everyone but the stories are so much more rich if you understand exactly what is happening as opposed to reading the stories as if they were typical superhero tales. It does work on that level but it is only a shadow of what the books really can convey.

So, the studio then waters down the very basis for these great stories in order to make it “understandable” to the typical movie-going audience. In my experience I can see why they do this. Generalization Alert! Audiences, particularly American audiences don’t like films that require them to think and they certainly don’t like films where things aren't wrapped up nicely in a clear and obvious manner.

I call it "Happy Ending Syndrome" and it has no place in most films.

It’s that very reason why so many excellent films (especially ones from abroad) rarely get the respect and accolades they should from the general film-going populace.

How’s this for dumbing it down? The character of Tom Sawyer doesn’t exist in the original comic series. Somewhere in development someone mentioned that American audiences would not want to see a film in which there were no American lead characters. Allan Quatermain, Mina Harker, Nemo, Hyde and The Invisible Man are all from other parts of the world.

So they brought on Tom Sawyer, made him a Secret Service agent (which seems very roughly based on the later books by Twain), crammed him into the film as a love interest for Mina Harker (which is also a diversion from the original stories where she and Allan Quatermain have a relationship) and then throw a bazillion dollars of CGI at us in an effort to make us believe we are being entertained by good story and dialogue.

It probably works for someone who has no idea what the source material is.

But it doesn’t work for me.

And that's my two cents.