Gimme a W…Gimme a T…Gimme an F...

I've tried to understand Cheerleaders... I mean I didn't give them much thought before I had a daughter. But now its come up and it takes me back to my college days… you know back when I was matriculating with Calvin Coolidge.

We used to ride our comically large wheeled bikes and try and glimpse a bare ankle or two on the way to our Economics of the New Deal class...

OK, so I'm not that old…anyway…

At the University of South Carolina (motto deleted for decency's sake), I learned just how shallow and demented people can be about this so called "sport". First lets get that out of the way, I do not doubt it takes a long time and dedication to train to do the physical part, the acrobatics are clearly difficult.

However, I always questioned this idea that somehow the cheerleaders and their lesser weenies, the pep squad have any bearing whatsoever on the sport being played. 

I'm reasonably certain and I encourage someone to prove me wrong, (if only to help me sleep at night) that nothing even remotely close to the following conversation has ever taken place anywhere on the planet in the history of forever…

Saturday night 8:48pm

USC is losing to its arch rival Clemson University: 14 to 44. 

There are 13 seconds left in the game.

The team is despondent, they are losing again! There seems to be no way to turn this around.

Quarterback calls a huddle: "Guys, I gotta be honest, I don't have a way through here. Lets just run the clock out".

Head Cheerleader overhears this and runs (bounds like a gazelle) over to the huddle.

She speaks in a overly peppy tone that wouldn't be out of place in a mental institution and she wears a grin that is the whole reason that Batman stills hunts in Gotham…

"Don't worry, guys! We are going to do the best cheer you have ever heard! And you guys will be so inspired that you'll be able to win this game even though the time left on the clock is barely long enough to measure a frog's fart"!

Quarterback: "Guys, she's right! We don't need tactics or skill or performance, we have a group of loud imbeciles who will chant poorly made-up rhymes. That's how we're gonna win"!

The Cheerleaders run out to the edge of the field and form into some sort of elaborate shape.

This is their moment, what they've been training for for months and months, they have endured ridicule at the hands of the smarter and more productive students but now its their time to shine.

Head Cheerleader: "Ready guys! Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who-BWAAAAAAAAAMMMMP"!

And the clock runs out.

A CEO says what?

Me: Are you available?

CEO: For a movie deal, dinner, or to meet the Queen?

Me: No... nothing silly like that. I was thinking you could get a Batman costume and I would be Robin and we could fight crime in the streets of London… Well, until we were inevitably arrested, of course.

Also could you look at this NDA so I can get the client to send me the background files? 

P.S. Also let me know about the whole crime-fighting thing so I can book my flight.

CEO: I was thinking League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I'll be Sean Connery.  I'm working on the accent.

Me: The League…really? Ok but then I get to be Captain Nemo. 

CEO: Better than Robin!

Me: Man! Everyone dumps on Robin.

Until death do us part...

Mr. and Mrs; Slowdunker, attached is your wedding program event schedule, with comments. Please take a few moments to review and let us know if you have any questions. We want to ensure that you and your loved ones make memories that will be forever lodged in your brain like a six-inch rusty nail in an old tractor tire.

On behalf of myself, the esteemed Richard "Dick" Roger Turgid Johnson Jr. and the almost-capable staff here at WillowGreen, we know we will make your daughter's wedding day a special one. 

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Programme - Saturday, July 4, 2009 - Rain or Shine

Location: The WillowGreen Pines and Discount Golf Resort Phase IV.

Location Description: Phase IV is located on three and a half acres of semi-manicured property…"semi" on account of that big dead patch of grass near the groundhog den. And mind the electric fence, Milo touched that a year ago and he still can't pee without shaking.

Groom: Horace Earnhardt Terwilliger III, if we get him out of the drunk tank on time.

Bride: Mylene Suzanne Slowdunker.

Wedding Party

Officiate: The Extremely Reverend and oh so Honorable Thaddeus T. Bookman III.

Maid of Honor: Hillary, The last unwed girlfriend.

Best Man: Well, the bride didn't think he was "the best", if you catch my drift. Thats why she's marrying the other dude.

Readers: Troy "Tonka" Perkins will recite from memory the Lord's Prayer as best he can remember it so be ready for five full minutes of stuttering and a bunch of accidental cursing. Please remember, Troy needs to be cuffed to Officer Thompson throughout the reading...Warden Jeffries' orders.

Procession Order -
Groomsmen: Heavy James and Rollo
Junior Usher: Little Rollo
Backup Usher: Billy from down at the bait shop
Usher who can't handle the pressure: Kyle
Ring Bearer who drops the rings: Kyle's little brother Kevin
Flower Girl who throws all the flowers at the start and has nothing left by the time she reaches the altar: Sophie
Parents of Bride: Arthur and Janet
Parents of Groom: Guillermo and Alma
Girlfriend of the Extremely Reverend Thaddeus T. Bookman III: Mistique

Music:
Original Steve and his Authentic Pre-1985 SuperBass Quad-Speaker / Dual Woofer Boombox. Feel free to have the guests bring their own mix-tapes.

Bible:
By God

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Schedule

9:00 Tent goes up,  chairs go out and we chase the really aggressive squirrels out of the trees.

9:30 Beer fountain gets setup, Milo will mix together one 50 gallon drum of pecans and one 50 gallon drum of regular peanuts, that there's your appetizer.

9:45 Mosquito spraying, Milo please remember to cover the mixed nuts.

10:00 Placement of the Nascar 2007 Winner Circle Banner. A moment of silence for American Hero Dale Earnhardt.

10:15: Remove screw tops from wine to let them get some air, set out Solo cups and napkins.

10:30: BBQ Pit set up on the wedding grounds, all food items including wedding cake to be slathered in Willowgreens famous homemade "It's So Damn Good, Make You Slap Yo Momma" Mustard Sauce.

10:45: Drinks, chatting with the guests and wandering the Phase IV grounds. Again, mind the electric fence.

11:00: Last chance to take a whiz before the ceremony.

11:15: Guests are shown to their seats, please stay to the left if you are on the bride's side, on the right if on the groom's side and just stand near the back if you came to see if Horace and Mylene go through with this whole mess.

11:30: 15 minute warning, last chance to pull out. I'm sure Mylene wishes she had that warning 8 1/2 months ago.

11:45 Ceremony begins. Procession walks down to a medley of AC/DC's Back in Black, Testament's Practice What you Preach, Suicidal Tendencies Trip at the Brain and Handel's Messiah.

12:00 Recession: Emma Louise will lead the guests in singing Dance All Over Your Face by KISS.

12:05: Chase the squirrels and crows out of the onion dip, tap the kegs and strap on the feedbags!

3:15: Clear out…we got Old Man Fooberman's Funeral at 3:30. As Jesus said after the Last Supper, "You don't gotta go home but you gotta get the hell outta here".*

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* The Bible, Page 861 - Uripadees Upayfordees - Chapter 3 and 4 -Verses 2 thru 9.

Man, this job is killing me...

If only there was a way to block the sun

Lookin' for Love?

Hello, Ladies.

The things people say...

It's a 22 year-old meme but at my office it might as well have been created yesterday…


Me: They both have to go in at the same time.
AA: That's what she said.


Me: It's my birthday, you have to do whatever I want.
AA: That's what she said.


Me: Where the hell do you think you're gonna put that?!
AA: Thats what she said.


Me: It will be quick, I promise.
AA: That's what she said.


Me: Everyone's always squeezing, smacking, and pushing me, I don't complain.
AA: That's what she said.


AA: I want to pull it out and show it to them.
Me: That's what he said.


Me: Didnt I do something huge for you?
AA: That's what she said.


Me: Your stuff wont fit in there anyway!
AA: That's what she said.


Talking about Brazilian all you can eat steakhouse
AN: How much meat can you eat?
AA: That's what he said.


MM: Fuck yes, please please.
AA (in her own head): That’s what she said.


Me: Well, that cant be right, you dont even know where it goes.
AA : That's what she said.


AN: There's something in my mouth.
Me: That's what she said.


AN: FUCK!
Me: (whispering) That's what she said.


DM: This both sucks and blows at the same time.
AN: That's what she said.


SS: Hold on, I'm coming!
AA: That's what she said.


SS: That was fast.
Me: That's what she said.


JP: Let's try and squeeze that in.
Me: That's what she said.


SS: You can squeeze one right here.
Me: That's what she said.


SS: Ooh! it's so big now.
Me: That's what she said.