Obssession….

From: Chris
To: David

I WANT DOUGHNUTS!!!!….NOT!!!!  Behold the breakfast that was been provided me. Wonder at the awe that is BACON!!!.  

Let us pray, dearest holy Jebus of bacon, I thank you for this bacon, may the bacon be bountiful, and river overfloweth with bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon...amen. 

From: David
To: Chris

Oh…that’s a damn shame…cause today we had doughnuts….WRAPPED IN FUCKIN BACON! AWW YEEAHHHHHHH!

From: Chris
To: David

Mister Marchisotto!!!, Ones does not fuck bacon....One makes love to it.

Do you know where I got this line from? originally its about goats.

From: David
To: Chris

WANTED! HA…good one.

From: Chris
To: David

We both know that you didn't have bacon wrapped doughnuts.  If you did, your taste buds explode and your head melts, it's like looking into the Ark of the Covenant.

From: David
To: Chris

That’s why I had Ayten eat one first…hope you said goodbye.

From: Chris
To: David

Now I want to read WANTED again, such a good comic.

From: David
To: Chris

Im going to go home and wrap my copy of Wanted in bacon.

From: Chris
To: David

You should do that for science,  My theory is that it will cause a black hole that will take you a dimension made entirely of bacon and naked women.

From: David
To: Chris

Mmmmm…naked bacon women.

Coke or Pepsi?

I don't know if this is real but it sure makes me smile to think so. 

It's from the Bits and Pieces website.

Click to enlarge...

Wait...don't I look like an adult?

Saturday morning, we have family coming over for lunch.
Ava takes a shower and dries off.

She runs into my office naked and moons me. 

I pull out a pen and sign my initials on her right butt cheek.

She runs out and shows Renee.

Renee goes completely batshit and says, I quote…

“You are an idiot, what happens if she falls down the stairs and when we get to the hospital they see your name on her ass”?

And I said…"well, at least they’ll know she is my kid".

And that's when she punched me.

The Doctor is In...

It's a quiet afternoon…I'm trying to read a book but it's not easy as Ava is also in the room. Ava has two speeds: Sleep Mode and Super Atomic DeathFire Kaiju-Attack TrainWreck Armageddon Mode.

And I'll be plain...she aint sleeping.

Ava: "Dad, Im bored".

Me: "Why don't you play with the $88,742 worth of toys I have bought for you this year"?

Ava: "I hate all of them…they are sooooo boring".
She says this in a way usually attributed to bored aristocracy in the 16th century who have just run out of peasants to chase through their croquet field.

Me: Putting down my book, because I have read the same sentence 5 times and I still don't know what it means. "OK, what would you like to play"?

Ava: "I'm going to be your doctor…because you have MetaPhilimYesNeh". 
She rolls this out so quickly I realize that I have been setup from the moment she used the words "sooooo boring".

Me: "OK…but after we are done, daddy is going to drink enough cough syrup to keep the voices in his head quiet while he naps".

Ava: "You hear them too?"

Me: "  "

Ava: continuing... "Ok lay down on this couch, I have to run some tests".

Despite her previous attempts to scar me, I still trust her… mostly because she learned how to bat her eyelashes at me when she was a year old and I still don't have a decent defense against it.

I lay down and this is what happens, in order…

She gets a pillow and smashes it down on my face repeatedly, attaches several snack bag clips to my toes and my left ear. Pulls what little hair I have on my head back and attempts to as she puts it: "fix my brain".

From there on, its downhill and I may have blacked out.

When I came to the second time, I had two Nerf styrofoam darts in my nose, she had filled my bellybutton with blue marker and she tied me to the ottoman using my own socks.

Me: "Aaaaigghhh…what the fuck!?

Ava: "Daaaaaad…don't move, you're almost healed"!

Me: "Are you nuts? What kind of a doctor are you"?

Ava: "Can I tell you a secret?…I used to be a mad scientist".

Me: "Why does my bellybutton hurt"?

Last night in Social Media...

It's Steve…Hello Ladies. *wink*

Here is a picture of a piece of pie

I am buying sneakers

I have new sneakers

Aunt Phyllis Wrote on Steve's Wall: Hi Steve, your Mom told me to get on the FaceBook…be careful when you go out with girls, make sure you have a condom.

You have De-Friended Phyllis.

I like Pie: My Top Five Pie Flavors are: Apple, Blueberry, Peach, Strawberry, Boysenberry

Click to High Five Steve

Picture of my cat, Mr Binkles in a wool hipster cap

It's Friday!

Picture of Steve with Beer Bong

Jesus Christ has Poked You

Picture I just found of a cup of cappuccino I drank 8 months ago

Blurry concert photo of Vampire Weekend from two years ago

Hot Dog with Onions

John has Slapped You with a Foul Smelling Trout, do you Accept?

The Weekend is Here…time to Shit Shower and Shave

Getting Mah Drank On 

So SO Sooooo Drunk

Picture of filthy club bathroom toilet

Mor drinkinnnnnnnn…n

Merph..slo56  erhgghhhhh hegh

…layin in alley tryin to sober up

You've Been Taken Advantage of By a Large Man Named Pimpin Pete

At Free Clinic…Sober For SURE NOW.

Steve's Mom Wrote on Steve's Wall: Steve, its Aunt Phyllis, did you stop being my friend? I'm using your Mom's Facebook thing…don't forget that some girls are ok with a boy that has a small penis.

I Think I Killed my Aunt Phyllis

Blurry picture of cop taking out his handcuffs

Steve's Account closed by The Illinois State Maximum Security Penitentiary

???

From Shine.com

I've Seen the Future of Men's Fashion and I'm Afraid

This week, menswear designers took a giant step for all mankind. Now they might want to take a few baby steps back. The London Men's Collection, a week-long preview of cutting edge collections for the Fall/Winter 2013-2014 season, is supposed to offer a glimpse into the future of menswear. Instead it was a harbinger of a fashion apocalypse. Wooden face barricades, toxic waste jumpsuits, and strapless dresses worn by dour male pixies. Ladies, meet your new stylish man. He's your worst nightmare and he knows it.

As if American men aren't becoming effeminate enough

I'll bet if you went skiing in this and got lost, the rescue dogs would 

refuse to locate you.

I can't even begin to understand this one.

This haircut looks like the business end of a sheep.

Unemployed clown? Homeless Santa? Mystery hobo?

I love this last one because it really sums up the whole show.

And just so we know we are all in this together, here are some of the 

comments that followed the pictures.

I sincerely hope this turns out to be an ad for Zoolander 2

The day my husband shows up looking this will be the day he never gets laid again.

My chances with women go up every time a man wears this outfit.

What is even going on...and why isn't this designer in a mental institution

He looks like my dog when I make him wear a sweater....totally miserable

Looks like a gay bar scene from an upcoming Star Wars movie.

What is happening to mankind?

Heavy is the head...

Ava: Im the boss! Im in charge!

Renee to me: Looks like you have a little tyrant on your hands".

Ava looks at her hands front and back: "wait…what's on my hands"?