…Renee and I were talking about my sister Lauren and I said “she is such a drama queen”. Then Ava proceeded to sing this song…
I am a drama queen,
I am a drama queen,
I am a drama queen,
Aunti Lauren is a drama queen.
We like to dress up and go to the ball,
Because we are drama queens.
I am a drama queen,
I am a drama queen,
I am a draaaaaa-maaaaaa queeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnn!
From: Lauren, Assistant to the Director
Do me a favor and go to this website and vote for the W O. Decker, please? The Museum's tugboat is going to this event in upstate NY and it would be nice if we can get some people to vote for her.
From: David
Nah... I voted for TugMyBalls.
From: Lauren
You are an asshat.
From: David
I also voted for... Tug Johnson - The Stiffest Member in the Canal
HA! did you see how many double entendres I got in that one line?
From: Lauren
You are an extra large asshat. Can you now just go vote for the damn tug, please?
From: David
I already did, didn't you read my emails?
From: Lauren
Jerk
From: David
No thanks... I prefer to Tug
From: Lauren
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
From: David
Ah... sweet victory is mine. I broke your wittle brain.
From: Idria
I'm very disappointed that The Little Red Tugboat didn't make it into the list. Maybe we need to hire a rapper to do an album about the voting called "Tug Life." The hit single would be "It's Hard Out Here For a Winch."
From: David
Outstanding.
Thanks for coming by, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to fill out a quick questionnaire to help me decide if we would be compatible roommates. Take your time and answer honestly…
What is your morning routine?
a. 7am. prepare a nutritious breakfast, shower, shave and get to the office on time.
b. 11:53am. Wake in a panic, trip over assorted naked people on the way to the bathroom, wipe face and ass with same towel, hopefully in that order and then run down the street to catch the bus to McDonalds.
c. 4:17pm. Wake up, push used panties out of eyes, knock over bong accidently, hit snooze button even though alarm is not ringing, fall asleep. 8:33pm wake again. See that its dark outside, assume its very early morning, go back to sleep.
How ambitious are you?
a. Im like a Great White Shark tracking my prey across any distance.
b. Housecat, if I hear the can opener, Ill make a reasonable effort to get to the kitchen.
c. Im like a slug glued to a brick covered in motor oil… that watches TV all day.
How often do you bathe?
a. Once a day no matter what.
b. Every time I have a date.
c. That depends, what day is today?
Do you like chicks or dudes?
a. Chicks
b. Dudes
c. That depends, what day is today?
Sharing a bathroom, what are you like?
a. You wont even know I was in there before you.
b. I will use your deodorant only as a last-case scenario.
c. I will shave my gooch on a semi-weekly basis with your Norelco…and leave the hairs in it.
How do you like your coffee?
a. Black, sugar
b. In a mug that says “Who farted”?
c. Like my men, black, sugar.
How often will you buy groceries?
a. Once a week, every other week.
b. Once a month when we run out of Crisco and Fruity Pebbles.
c. Only if an imminent zombie apocalypse is at hand.
What would you do if I was in bed being intimate with my date and you came home?
a. Quietly back out of the room and leave my tie hung on the knob as a sign to others.
b. Yell “ Awww Yeah!!!!! and snap a photo of you with my iPhone.
c. Slip under the sheets and spoon you while offering graphic advice on what you should do next.
Are you into dogs?
a. Of course, I think they can be great companions and protection for our home.
b. You mean ugly chicks? Depends on how high I am, I guess.
c. It’s not like that at all, man…I love her….and besides, it aint illegal in Virginia.
A Jehovah’s witness comes by at 7 am on a Sunday morning, how do you respond?
a. With a gentle urging that they return at a later hour for tea and discussion.
b. I grab their stack of Watchtower magazines and smash their face in... repeatedly.
c. With deadly force.
You are out of clean underwear, what do you do?
a. Borrow a pair of yours, then run out to the store and purchase a new pack for you.
b. Turn em inside out, spray em with Febreeze and I'm good.
c. Underwear?
My parents are coming to visit, how do you greet them?
a. Shake your fathers hand firmly, kiss your mothers cheek and introduce myself in a clear strong voice.
b. Look firmly into your Mom’s eyes and say “oh, yes…it’s MILFer time”.
c. Climb out of bed, bum a cigarette from your Dad, wave my semi-rigid wang firmly at your mom.
The house is on fire, what do you do?
a. Get the nearest fire extinguisher and fight the flames while making sure everyone gets out.
b. Sing loudly “We Don’t Need No Water, Let The Muthafucker Burn”! (see footnote if you must).
c. Grab 4th of July Commemerative Bong, latest issue of Busty Babes and climb over anyone in my way.
* Lyrics made famous by "Rock Master Scott and the Dynamic Three" back in 1984.
The house has been robbed, the 74” Plasma TV has been stolen off the wall along with your huge porn collection? What is your first reaction?
a. Check to see if anything important is gone, then calmly contact the insurance agent and file a claim.
b. “… the porn?... Father! Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me”?!
c. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (sound of revolver being cocked).
What is your nickname?
a. Philip
b. The Butt Clencher
c. BongMeister Steve and The Chronic of Doom
How would you describe your ideal roommate?
a. Courteous, intelligent, fair and funny.
b. Huge creamy bazooms as big as my head and reliable access to a trustworthy local weed dealer.
c. Utterly Redonkulous.
Cooking... what is your speciality?
a. Butter and sage sautéed Gnocci with a shallot cream reduction.
b. Whatever is left on the griddle at closing time.
c. Drunk dialing Dominos
I’ve had too much to drink and have passed out on our couch during a party, what do you do?
a. Help you to bed, get you some Advil and a glass of water, close your door.
b. Place a lit joint in your mouth, put sunglasses on your face, take a photo and email it to your priest.
c. Remove your pants and write in magic marker above your ass “One Penis at a Time, Please”.
Three points for every “A”. Two points for every “B” One point for every “C”.
37 to 54 means Perfect match, when can you move in?
19 to 36 means I don’t think we can live together, please leave.
1 to 18 means I have alerted the authorities but Im going to have to Mace you before they arrive.
Me: Please be aware of printing costs, several clients have asked that we keep better track of the spending. Yesterday I found 5 sheets of 30 X 40 glossy paper printed with a single email printed on each. That is hundreds of dollars wasted.
A: Hahahaha who did that?
Me: Ummm…it was you. The Tech department said it was sent from your machine.
A: Really…what did it say?
Me: Here you go…
Oh Dearest Dave,
I write to you in these balmy days of summer wishing we could still be playing Slap N’ Tickle on the mountains in Katmandu. Oh how those days flashed by…you, dressed in your finery of polka dotted vest and clown shoes and bearing a thick lustrous mustache trimmed in gold and me bedecked in cellophane, duct tape wrapped around my head and squawking like a porpoise.
Oh, we thought those days would never end. With passionate monkey kisses,
“Your Love Turtle”.
A: I’m telling Renee.
A: So I’m designing the nursery for my sister-in-law. You already had a kid so any tips on organization/layout/equipment?
Me: Well I’m no expert but the best design would be a room with walls that slope to the middle of the room. At the center would be a drain for the ungodly amount of poop and pee that a newborn produces.
You hang a sprinkler from the ceiling for easy cleanup and maybe a window so it doesn’t have a Skinner Box feel. And the walls should be painted alternating stripes of red and green so the child’s eyeballs are in a constant state of zipping back and forth.
A: That sounds really great. So you just put the baby on the floor?
Me: Well I guess that depends out the degree of slope in the room, doesn’t it? You're the architect...too steep and I guess you gotta suspend the kid from some sort of cabling system or if you’re on a budget, a series of helium balloons.
A: The balloons might be nice, actually. Kind of a whimsical touch.
Me: I agree. You start designing and I'll go find a decent injury attorney.
Deli, Union Square
1:15pm
Im paying for my sandwich. My change comes to 24 cents. Ignoring that my hand is held out towards him, he throws the money into the “tip” jar. I “let” this happen twice already this week.
Me: What are you doing?
Him: It’s only 24 cents.
Me: Yeah…24 cents of MY money.
Him: Well see, every day we split up the tip jar so everyone gets some extra cash.
Me: I’m aware of how the tip jar works, I just don’t think I should be forced to subsidize your paycheck.
Him: It's not like we make a lot of money here.
Me: Well I guess you should have tried graduating from high school, maybe even those limited skills would have helped get you a job where you actually have to work as opposed to bagging peoples lunch.
Him: You’re an asshole.
Me: Maybe so…but if you don’t give me my money, your going to be a grocery bagging dropout with a broken jaw.
Him: Empties jar on to the counter, counts out my money and hands it to me. The owner comes over.
Me: My firm did $20,000 in business with you this year. If this imbecile is here next time I come in, Ill close our account.
Owner: I’ll take care of it, right away.
Me: (I throw the change back on the counter). On second thought you’re gonna need this more than me.
It's Sunday Night...
We're watching a concert on Netflix...Kiss: Live in DC.
Kiss begins playing Love Gun.
Ava: "Dad!…Dad, give me my pink guitar, quick"!
I hand it to her. She turns to her mother.
Ava: "Mom, are you ready to rock"?!
Renee: "Yeah"!
Ava: "Dad, are you ready to Rock"!?
Me: "Hell, Yeah"!
She sticks her tongue out, begins grimacing and wildly flailing on the guitar.
Ava: " I'm gonna jam this right outta your face"!
Me: …wait…what?
