Ladies and Gentlemen…do not be jealous. For I received a personal email from none other than…wait for it…
"The Extraordinary Chris".
I pause so you can catch your breath from gasping.
What?…you don't know who he is? How is it possible that you don't know this great man, this Leonardo da Vinci of the Supernatural Realm, this "Cadillac of Men" to quote Futurama…How?
Well I never heard of him either… but I have now. Here is the highly personalized, unique and directed only to my mailbox email he sent me…
Let's review this "Exclusive Missive from the Great Beyond"…
Beginning with the video link…hair and jacket provided by the year 1979. Very classy.
Next, his last name is Voyance…get it? Chris Voyance, who practices Clairvoyance?
He mentions he can "Improve my situation" but why doesn't he just say what it is if he knows it?
And why do I need to know the exact moment he had his revelation, is it confirmation that something really happened or is there some significance to the time of 10:47pm…perhaps a commercial break in whatever TV show he was watching?
Then of course he needs to confirm "some details needed"…and now we get the heart of the matter in which The Extraordinary Chris reaches gently into my wallet and robs me of most of my Ordinary cash.
The bottom of the email has real-life testimonials, complete with photos ripped off from a stock photo website. As usual, no one offers any actual facts or comments that are verifiable, that way no one can question the almost-certainly Less Than Ordinary Chris.
A real testimonial would read like this:
Jesus on Two Sticks, Chris is the Real Deal! I answered his email on a Tuesday night at 5:53pm (during a re-run of Cupcake Wars) and damned if he didn't already know that I had bad gas (from Taco Rico on Dixie Highway) as well as fallen arches. Two days later on my way to the unemployment office, I tripped into the street and found $5 which I used to buy a scratch-off ticket at the Winn Dixie (I lost). Thanks Chris, you da man!
Anyway, I decided to go thru with the reading so I clicked on the button and it linked to this website. I love that comment below the picture of the TV…
"Chris remains humble and accessible even though he had been on TELEVISION many times before. He is a man that you can trust!"
If being on television qualified people as honest and professional then I would be letting Donald Trump do my taxes, get my wine selections from watching The Jersey Shore and let the Kardashians handle my daughter's education.
Anyhoo, after I gave my info it took me to a confirmation page…
I love the fact that Chris asks for my phone number so he can reach me "in case he has an instant vision about my future".
Needless to say, Chris did not call me and I have been forced to figure out my life on my own, make my own decisions and somehow, just barely get on with acting like a rational adult.
Chris…why hast thou forsaken me!
As an extra…here is an excerpt from the Terms and Conditions document, created no doubt by Chris' Extraordinary Legal Team:
Said fortune telling, like the information provided directly by “THE WEBSITE”, shall not be considered, medical, legal, real estate, psychological, emotional or economic/financial advice or advice of any other sort. Furthermore, it shall not be used for making decisions. It should not replace the advice of other professionals. It is of a recreational, cultural and playful nature, in an esoteric and/or spiritual setting, providing a different perspective about the aspects that are the subject of the consultation and information. It is performed based on variables arising from the personal data of the user.
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