Fresh? I think not...

Subway is six kinds of nasty…probably much more than that but for the sake of this rant, lets just say it's six. Here is a real authentic picture posted to the great Interwebs, I have added some helpful comments to help you understand it...

Anyway, my pattern is the same…I go for months and months without eating from that wretched hive of villainy and then one day, my food compass bends a little too far to one side* and I forget why I stopped eating there and then I go in again.

Subway is just horrible... cold cuts and tuna salad in open containers pawed at by semi-educated people who think that hairnets are more of an optional fashion statement than a way to keep strands of unwashed hair out of my bacon and avocado sub.

And on a somewhat related note, I hate asking for the foot-long...part of me is self conscious and jealous as I will never hear those words from a woman but also because I snicker whenever I say it and a 46 year old man should not laugh at unsubtle penis jokes.

Anyhoo..no matter what sandwich I get from there, I know what is in store for me, within a few minutes of eating it, my stomach starts to rebel against me…there is all manner of violent and scary sounds emanating from my gut. It's like the overture for a Symphony of Gastric Destruction and I the conductor have my baton hand tied behind my back and my sheet music is all written in Chinese.

Try to figure that one out…I dare ya.

So as we can see here in this handy diagram swiped from Wikipedia ("motto: Everything posted here is true until it's "updated" by a 14 year old troll in his Mom's basement"). 

Here is the process for me from sandwich to shit…

I guess the best way to sum this all up is this…Subway is the only food that one should eat while actively sitting on the toilet.

Amen.

* This is science, kids! Ask your parents…the Food Compass or FC as I like to call it is responsible for why you wait for everyone to go to bed at night so you can eat an entire bag of Double Stuffed Oreos while standing over the sink. It's also the reason why normal people don't eat Facon or it's wretched retard sibling Tofurkey. A perfectly functioning FC is what makes you crave grease and salt which makes you happy but kills you at 58 years old whereas a damaged FC is why we have vegans in the world today.