And now for something weird...

The Food Network, 8pm, Wednesday.

A 14 year old boy in his fathers jacket and tie comes out…

"Welcome to another episode of Cupcake Wars, the show where we pit semi-skilled mostly- unattractive, very-whiny, wanna-be pastry chefs against one another all for the measly sum of $10,000".

"I'm your host Justin Willman, and yes…even though I am a grown-up, this is my real hair".

"Helping me kill this hour that you will never get back are our celebrity chefs"…

"Candace Nelson, a very tall woman who insists on wearing pink lipstick regardless of the fact that on a high-definition tv, she looks like the long-lost sister of Floppo the Clown. Candace also claims to have started the worldwide cupcake craze although cupcakes have been created and sold since the late 1700's…also she invented the internet".

"And let's give it up for Florian Bellanger, Super-French pastry dude, businessman, freelance Hip Hop Artist*, all around good guy and master of the beer funnel. Florian joins us in an effort to lend this show a smidge of culinary credibility so we don't look like both the judges and the competitors were drawn from the local meth-heads living in a nearby trailer park".

"Our special guest judge today is the cunning, savage extraterrestrial hunter from the famous Predator series of films.  "Steve", as he has asked to be called, has been combing the galaxy for the best cupcake in the universe. Welcome to Earth…and our studio".

"Steve": "Incomprehensible alien chattering".

Justin: "Now, now Steve, save those barbed comments for judging the cupcakes".

"Today our theme ingredients are inspired by our alien visitor so as always, you must pick from the "Holy Shit, Who the Hell Would Put That in a Cupcake" table. You must choose at least 3 ingredients".

Cut to the table, Justin begins naming the items on display:

A Trodakian StrangleBeast from Altair 7, Some mildy-radioactive uranium nuggets, Gummi Bears, methane gas, Durian fruit, freeze dried roast beef brought back from the last trip to the International Space Station and asparagus.

Camera cuts to competitors…everyone winces at the mention of asparagus.

Justin: "Ok everyone, you have 1 hour, let's begin". 

They all run off to their respective kitchen spaces and start to brainstorm. 

The camera zooms in on each couple one at a time…

Team One: Mom and Daughter: "OK as long as the Stranglebeast is reasonably fresh, I think we can chop it up, sautee it in methane gas, fold it into the batter and then top it all off with the Gummi Bears".

Team Two: High Strung New Jersey Woman and her beaten down partner: Shaking her sous chef by the lapels…"AIIIIEEEEE, whatarewegonnado! What the fuck is methoon gas, GGAHHAGHAAA"!

Team Three: Tattooed Gay Dude and his husband: "OK , this is just asinine… let's say we need to use the restroom and let's go home while we still have our dignity".

Team Four: Apparently Schizophrenic MILF and her College Step Daughter: "Ok, Ill make the batter and you prepare the fondant, that will leave me time to make the batter and also to make the batter, that's what President Eisenhower wants".

After a montage of people running around, cursing, sweating, wiping, slathering themselves in Crisco and screeching, everything winds down and you have what looks like a pile of filthy animals having just been birthed from a Wooly Mammoth… and the timer runs out.

They line up for the critique.

Justin: "Team One, what do you have for us"?

Team One: "Well, we were a little put off by the surprise ingredients and I'm pretty sure my daughter now has radiation poisoning from the uranium but it did add a nice warm glow to our cupcakes. We created a cornmeal cupcake with a Stranglebeast filling mixed with Marscapone cheese topped with a cute assortment of Gummi Bears". 

In the background her daughter collapses taking down a rack of pans.

Everyone gives a casual glance and then turns back to Justin.

The judges try the cupcake…

Candace: "I think the pairing of the cornbread with the Stranglebeast was pure genius but just dropping a Gummi Bear on top seems like a cheat".

Florian: "In France we have a lovely way of preparing Le Strangelbeast…zis is not zat. But despite your daughters very likely terminal condition, I sink le glow from zee uranium was very inspired".

"Steve": Fires shoulder cannon at daughter, blowing her into a million sticky pieces.

Justin: "Oh, gross… but you have to admire his convictions. Next up, Team Two".

Team Two: "Aiiiiieeeeee, weranoutoftimeimfreakingout! She starts crying and runs out of the studio".

Justin: "Ummm, ok... Team 3"?

Team Three: "We steamed the asparagus to create a airy creme froth which we used as a filing to a traditional vanilla cupcake, the frosting is a buttercream accented with a compote made from a reduction of Gummi Bears, we topped the cupcake with a candied piece of roast beef".

Candace: "I'm impressed that given these ingredients, you were able to create a cupcake that was actually edible".

Florian: "Great use of ze Gummi Bears, sticking with ze classic vanilla cupcake was simply perfect".

"Steve": Fires shoulder cannon at contestant blowing him into a million sticky pieces.

Justin: "I see a pattern forming here… Team Four"?

Team Four: "We wanted our cupcake to be completely unique which is why we used the Durian Fruit and also why I smell like a giraffe carcass thats been picked over in the noon-day sun. Our cupcake has a durian cream cheese filling with a teeny fondant rocketship on the top. We arranged a dozen Gummi bears around the cupcake, each one represents one of my step-mom's multiple personalities". 

Camera cuts to the mom who is having an extremely animated and heated argument with…herself.

Florian: "You know in France at the Eccole De Woo Gives a Toot About Macarons, we would hang the pastry chefs by their thumbs and beat the soles of ze feet with a rolling pin when zed made mistakes. Zis cupcake reminds me of how I felt the day it was done to me".

Candace: Wretching uncontrollably under the desk. "BLLELAAUUURGGHHHHH"!

"Steve" stands up, wipes his mandibles in disgust, grabs his helmet. "I'm out of here".

Justin: "OK we are short one judge and the other needs a few minutes until her bowels stop spasming. After the break we will have whoever "Steve" didn't kill compete in the 1,000 Cupcake Display Challenge".

Commerical break ends…

Justin: "And we're back. Ok no question about it, we've had some setbacks today but you have to admit, it's been an entertaining show at the very least".

"In any case we only have one remaining team but we can't just give the prize away so instead of the regular challenge, the winner of this competition will be determined by hand to hand combat.  You will have to fight Florian in an all-nude wrestling match, Greco-Roman style". 

"HAHAHA... Just kidding of course, Florian is far too French to engage in something that requires him to remove his tie".

"Team Four…you are the winner of Cupcake Wars! Goodnight everyone"!

Show Ends

*Bonus Trivia:  Florian's Hip Hop Name is: Le Grande Petits. He also went by MixMaster Makaroon.