Good things come in small...

Me and Renee have a conversation.

Me: "OK if Im going to take Ava to MermaidSwim, can I go see Godzilla Sunday morning"?

Renee: "Sure.  Go crazy.  I’ll give you money for popcorn".

Me: "I wont need it, as you know, I will shake my maracas for the hot girls behind the counter and they will give me free popcorn".

Renee: "So long you hold out for a large bucket, its OK.  Don’t give it away for a small".

Me: "Large Bucket"?...Im confused… are we still talking about popcorn…or vajayjays'"?

Renee: "Popcorn".

Me: "Good, it was a little confusing there. With vajayjays, I thought smaller was better".

Questions they should ask...

Kinkos

1. Are you comfortable telling people that you have to charge them $1.50 to open their PDF by claiming its a "file rendering" charge?

2. Can you attend our 4 week seminar on stapling?

3. Are you surly? If not, can you learn to be?

4. Are you willing to throw your hands up in exasperation and take your break every single time a customer asks you for anything including directions to the water fountain?

5. Do you know the difference between yellow and goldenrod paper?

6. Can you work the dreaded Midnight to 8am shift aka The Meth-head College Students doing their Resumes Mardi Gras?

7. Have you ever xeroxed your ass or mashed your zoobag on the copier glass, for fun?

8. Can you take a carefully collated and color coded stack of 2,789 pages from a very prestigious law firm and drop it on the floor? Can you then copy it and reassemble it completely out of order despite the fact that each page has a page number?

8a.Follow Up: Can you do that a few times per week?

Music Store

1. Do you know the difference between an Electric Guitar and a Bass?

1a. Follow Up: Do you pronounce "bass: like "base or like the fish"?

2. Do you giggle every time you say G String?

3. When heading to the restroom, are you willing to use the phrase "dropping the mike"?

4. Will you sneak into the store after hours so you can practice the drumming part at the end of the song In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins?

5. How many time have you seen KISS in concert, how often it too much?
This is a trick question…you can NEVER see KISS too often.

6. Are you such a good salesperson that you could sell a piano to a racist who doesn't believe that the white and black keys should touch?

7. If a customer comes in asking for sheet music to the truly awful song "Blake's Got A New Face" by Vampire Weekend are you willing to slap them repeatedly about the face and neck until they change their mind?

7a. Follow Up: Can you in fact hum that very song while slapping them?

Comic Book Store - The Sanctum Sanctorum

1. Have you now or in the past owned and maintained a shrine to the greatest comic artifact in human history…Stan Lee's Mustache?

2. What is your take on the Moebius vs. Kirby Drawing the Silver Surfer Conjecture?

3. Are you willing to read the entire Fantastic Four run by John Byrne even though it means not showering for a week?

4. Working at The Sanctum Sanctorum would be good for:

• A. Making me insufferable at ComicCon
• B. Make me more knowledgeable about Jack Kirby's Fourth World Series.
• C. Picking Up Girls.

Note: If you chose C, you are automatically disqualified, girls are as rare at The Sanctum Sanctorum as common sense is in a session of Congress.

5. Do you think that Batman complains about his dead parents too much?

6. Hal Jordan or Guy Gardner?

7. Have you ever had a serious conversation about whether the Thing's wang is made of rock or if he is smooth like a Ken doll?

8. Are you willing to make a clueless mom cry when she comes in for a birthday gift for her kid and asks for a copy of "Washmen"?

Pool Supply Store

1. Are you allergic to Chlorine?

2. Are you trained as a lifeguard?

3. If a pool is 20 feet by 15 feet, 5 feet deep with a ladder at one end and a set of stairs at the other end, how many boxes of Jell-O will you need to fill it?
Bonus points if you know how long it takes for that much Jello-O to set.

4. Are you applying because you saw a porno with the title "Pool Boy Gets It On", Poolin Around", The Pool Boy Gets Me Wet or Mrs. Johnson, you Need a Water Softener Because the Pool Boy is Too Hard"?

5. Do you know which end of the pool skimmer you place in the water?

6. Someone is drowning, they call out for a lifesaver, do you immediately think of the floating device or the candy?

7. In the previous question when you read "floating device" did you automatically think of large breasts"?

8. Have you ever recreated the infamous pool/candy-bar scene from Caddyshack?
Follow Up: Why not? Are you allergic to nuts?

Zookeeper's Assistant

1. Do you look good in khaki?

2. Do you need to wear a hat because you freckle easily? Will you supply your own hat? It must not say Federal Boob Inspector or something even more stupid like Donald Trump for President.

3. You are trapped in the Rhino habitat, it turns and charges at you. You:

• Run and climb the nearest tree.
• Sit down and start reciting the Lord's Prayer.
• Soil yourself violently.

4. Do you know the difference between a Tiger, Tigon, Liger, Ligon, Lion and a goldfish?

5. Have you ever thought about letting the Kangaroo into the Warthogs habitat to see if they would mate and produce the worlds first Wartaroo? What about a warthog and a flamingo to make the first Fartalingo?

6. When is it Ok to fling poop back at the Chimpanzee?

Statistically Speaking...

85% of people polled said they loved the new Star Trek Reboot.
15% were in their mother's basement building JJ Abrams voodoo dolls.

90% of all people polled masturbate…
10% couldn't take the poll because they were masturbating at the time.

71% of all hippies smoked weed and bathed once a month.
29% of all hippies are dead

33% of all mothers steal from their children's Halloween stash
67% of all dads take the rest.

99% of all wives hate hearing the phrase "put the shoes to her" from their husbands.
1% are deaf.

43% of people think that being outside without a jacket you catch cold.
57% or people are not idiots

21% of voters turned out this year
79% realized a long time ago how worthless and futile the whole process is.

25% of people polled say they believe in astrology
75% of people polled believe that the other 25% should return to their home planet

100% of the people polled believers that we should build a rocket and send Miley Cyrus, Donald Trump, Ed Sheeran, Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin and the entire cast of Jersey Shore into the sun.

One ring to rule them all.

The true definition of marriage is a relationship in which you always have 

someone nearby to ask you if you know what the fuck you are doing.

This is why we can't have nice things...

I felt it was time that people at work recognized how great I am… and I was determined to show them even if it meant voting for myself as employee of the month.

So I created this award, printed it and hung it on the door of my office…

…and then I left my desk for 20 seconds and this happened…

Jealousy is such an ugly thing, isn't it?

12 Steps? That's nothing...

Original process:

Client issues an order to us.

New job is created by Jon.

I see the confirmation email.

I log into Quickbooks by entering my username (Studly J. McHandsome).

Create PO.

Issue to client via email.

Total elapsed Time: 3 minutes.

New Process:

Client issues an order to us.

Jon lights some candles and prays to the Gods of Accounting that they will grant his wish.

Marge ignores him.

I see the new order and ask Jon if he can create a PO.

Jon give me “the look” and points at Marge’s office.

I cry a little bit.

Marge chuckles and accidently spills some Skittles down her boobs.

I send client order to Marge and ask with great humility and respect how I can pretty-please with sugar on top... get a Sales Order Number generated.

Marge says I must choose from the following three challenges, if I complete one, she will issue the new number:

1. Must get thru an entire day with using the words Orale! or referring to Hilaleah as the crappier version of Opalocka.

2. Must find a vintage 1977 phone book from Encino California in mint condition.

3. Must provide proof that all the bad things in the world are because tall people keep marrying short people. *

I choose Number 2 because it seems the least likely to result in tremendous pain via a chancletta to the head.

I go on CraigsList to find the phone book.

I get distracted on the site and end up accidently soliciting sex from a midget in Tulsa, Oklahoma. While I have him on the phone, I tell him about Marge’s theory on short people. He agrees, he says that short people plan to eventually take over the world but for now he agrees to ship me the phonebook.

Two weeks later I get the phonebook to Marge.

She creates the Sales Order Number.

I log into Quickbooks using my username (Tremendous Lee Largewang).

Create PO.

Issue to client.

Total elapsed Time: 19 days.

** In the scientific community, this very important theory is known as the Jaramillo Midget-Giant Repose Conjecture.

Hole in One?

Saturday Afternoon
Going to play mini golf.

The place is packed. We get up to the counter...

He: "Are you here to play in the arcade or mini-golf"?

Me: "Mini-Golf".

He: "There's a two-hour wait".

Me: "The only way I'm waiting 2 hours is if the holes Im trying to drop my balls into are attached to a real live woman".

He: Uhhh.

Just because...

[Run]

Run.. (Run..) D.. (D) M.. (M) C.. (C)

Rock.. (rock.. rock..)

For you! (for you.. for you..)

Fresh (fresh.. fresh..)

[Run]

For all you sucker MC’s perpetratin a FRAUD

Your rhymes are cold wack and keep the crowd cold bored

You’re the kind of guy that girl ignored

I’m drivin Caddy, you fixin a FORD

My name is Joseph Simmons but my middle name’s Lloyd

And when I’m rockin on the mic, you should all applaud

Because we’re (wheelin, dealin, we got a funny feelin)

We rock from the floor up the ceilin

We groove it (you move it) it has been proven

We calm the savage beast because our music is SOOTHIN

We create it (relate it) and often demonstrate it

We’ll diss a sucker MC make the other suckers hate it

We’re rising (suprising) and often hypnotizing

We always tell the truth and then we never slip no lies in

No curls (no braids) peasy-head and still get paid

Jam Master cut the record up and down and cross-fade

[Run]

Because the rhymes I say, sharp as a nail

Witty as can be and not for sale

Always funky fresh, could NEVER be stale

[D.M.C.]

Took a test to become an MC and didn’t fail

I couldn’t wait to demonstrate

All the super def rhymes that I create

I’m a wizard of a word, that’s what you heard

And anything else is quite absurd

I’m the master of a mic, that’s what I say

And if I didn’t say that, you’d say it anyway

[Run]

Bust into the party, come in the place

See the first things come, the music in your face

Girls on the walls, some on the floor

With the DJ named Jay with the cuts galore

[D.M.C.]

So listen to this because it can’t be missed

And you can’t leave til you’re dismissed

You can do anything that you want to

But you can’t leave until we’re through

So relax your BODY and your mind

And listen to us say this rhyme - HEY

You might think that you have WAITED

Long enough til the rhyme was STATED

But if it were a test it would be GRADED

With a grade that’s not DEBATED

Nothing too deep and nothing dense

And all our rhymes make a lot of SENSE

[Run-D.M.C.]

So move your butt, to the cut

Run amok, you’re not in a rut

Each and everybody out there, we got the notion

[D.M.C.]

We want to see y’all all in motion

[Run-D.M.C.]

Just SHAKE, WIGGLE jump up and down

Move your body to the funky sound

[D.M.C.]

Side to side, back and forth

[Run-D.M.C.]

We’re the two MC’s, and we’re gonna go off

Stand in place, walk or RUN

Tap your feet, you’ll be on the one

[D.M.C.]

Just snap your fingers and clap your hands

[Run-D.M.C.]

Our DJ’s better than all these bands

HUH!!

[Run] We got all the lines

[DMC] and all the rhymes

[Run] We don’t drop dimes

[DMC] and we don’t do crimes

[Run] We bake a little cake with Duncan Hines

[DMC] and never wear the vest they call the Calvin Kleins

[Run] Cause Calvin Klein’s no friend of mine

Don’t want nobody’s name on my behind

Lee on my legs, sneakers on my feet

D by my side and Jay with the beat

[Run-D.M.C.] - (ad libbing to fade)

Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay..

We don’t.. we don’t.. we don’t stop!

Don’t.. don’t.. don’t.. don’t stop! (JAY!)

One.. two.. three..

Hollis Crew.. crew.. crew..

For.. for.. for.. for the love now..

Cool T now..

Hah, ?? ..

My, my man Jam Master..

Is in his place to be.. (JAY! Jay.. Jay.. Jay..)

The big beat blaster..

All, the way live..

Re, remember you don’t stop..

Kickin it, and you don’t stop..

Rrrrrrrrrock, d-dot, d-dot, rock the spot..

Stick em.. and you don’t stop, hah..

Run.. rocks it well, we-welle-well..

A-with the clientele..

Krush Groove..

Young ladies in the place..

We, we we’re, we we’re we’re, we we’re we’re (bass)

We we’re in the hottest space..

Ha (ha), Cold Crush, so Larry (so Larry)

Homeboys..

Now we’re talkin autographs..

Autographs.. and autographs..

Fly girls.. in the place, in the place..

Homeboys..

Hollis Crew.. 

{*music fades*}